Rating your hottest Kansas City Chiefs takes

We’re still early enough in the offseason that the film review bug hasn’t QUITE bitten me yet (well at least it hasn’t burrowed its way into my brain and laid eggs. It’s latched on for sure, though. This analogy is getting a little too real for me, so let’s move on). Because of this, and because I’m also not ready to write a “what I would do if I were John Dorsey” article yet (that’ll probably be next time).

So what to do? Well, like any true professional, I turned to my readers.

I felt like rating some hot takes. And boy, did you all deliver. Please let it be known that if I did not use your take, it either

1. Wasn’t hot enough, or
2. Was close enough to another hot take that I didn’t want to double up

Also, it could be that I secretly dislike you and am passive-aggressively trying to destroy your self-esteem by ignoring your suggestions even though I pretend we’re cool. That’s probably not what’s happening though...

Anyways, once I thought about this, I realized I needed to give more than just a number. Therefore, each take will also be given a real-life (or not-real-life) equivalent to make clear just how objective I’m being here. Let’s have some fun, and by the way... I really hope most of you were just kidding with these. Because if not... well, phew.

Heat Index: 0.1

I include this only because I want to give an example of a take that is the opposite of hot. This take is Minnesota in the winter. It’s outside my window right now (where it’s a balmy negative something zillion below zero). And by that, I don’t mean Shane is outside my window. He probably isn’t.

Heat Index: 8.5

Well, that got real in a hurry. This take is a hot stove. Not a pan ON the stove, but the actual heating coil. You’re gonna melt some skin, but odds are it’s not gonna torch the house or kill you or anything like that.

Literally the ONLY reason this take isn’t a 10 or higher is that right now, Justin Houston is on a lot of Chiefs’ fans bad side. Which ... I guess I get to an extent. He’s been injured a lot the last two years (well, really the same injury, but whatever). My comeback to any idea of trading Houston is pretty simple: he is, quite literally, one of the best 10-15 PLAYERS in the NFL. You don’t trade that, you build around it. He’s had one injury that happened late in the season in 2015 so lingered into 2016. It’ll be OK.

By the way, these picks aren’t in ascending order, so it’s not like every take will be hotter than...

Heat Index: 7.5

Man, poor Andy Reid. The man coached the daylights out of an offense that was consistently inconsistent in its execution, and he takes way more blame for the loss in the playoffs than he should in my opinion. Because of how common this take is, it gets downgraded to a curling iron. It’ll burn you, but you’re not getting 3rd degree burns around here.

Heat Index: 9.0

This take is a welding torch that’s somehow gone out of control and is aimlessly setting stuff on fire. It’s insanely hot to the touch, wildly dangerous, and is probably going to get someone killed. Sure, maybe losing Berry won’t kill the Chiefs, but propel them to the Super Bowl???? James, you deserve that gif and should feel terrible. But I still love you.

Heat Index: 5.7

This is a car hood on a hundred-degree day. It FEELS like it’s burning you when you touch it, but when you jerk your hand away there’s nothing there. One might even call it a “slightly above average” level of heat. Did you see what I did there? Tell me you saw what I did there.

Honestly, the only reason this take is even that hot is because Alex is getting a little long in the tooth to be called the guy of the future. I think Reid loves him and is going to roll with him for the foreseeable future.

Heat Index: 2.8

This is a pizza five minutes after it’s come to your table. It’s still warm, but even your 3-year-old daughter is eating it without a problem.. Everyone with eyes saw that the running game struggled to get going at times (though Reid would go away from it too quickly for my taste, but I digress), and that Tyreek Hill made it look better with a few “there he goes” big plays. They’ve got to get that figured out.

The only reason this has some warmth is that I think the run game suffered in part due to the passing attack not being dangerous enough. But overall, that’s one lukewarm take.

Heat Index: 7.8

This is a car engine still running after traveling for a couple of hours and is a little low on coolant. You are going to be burned badly in many places, and probably lose a finger due to that stupid fan too (is that a part of heat? No. Am I mad with power and just adding painful things? Yes).

Look, I get the concern after the Chiefs dropped a disappointing playoff loss to Pittsburgh. But the idea that the D/ST is going to, for whatever reason, regress in scoring while not improving in other areas doesn’t fit to me. The Chiefs suffered plenty of injuries this year and held their own. There’s no reason to think they’ll take a step back, WHILE assuming Oakland (for some reason) will improve again.

The Chiefs beat plenty of good teams in 2016. They’ve got every chance to do it again in 2017, and when you look at that roster I can’t see fewer than 8-9 wins even if things go sideways.

Heat Index: 9.4

We’re reaching The Human Torch levels of heat here, the main reason being that in 2017, no NFL team’s number one need is a running back. It just isn’t. I know Ware slowed down after a great start and people were a little let down with West, but the modern NFL is just not a place where running back is that crucial. Plus, Jamaal and stuff (I’m working my way towards believing again).

Heat Index: 8.9

We remain at scorching levels of heat here, but the ONLY reason for that is it’s something that I think a lot of fans will push back on. Me? Eh... I don’t know. The more I watch Poe the more I think that he’s a 5-tech trapped in a nose tackle’s body. The thing is, he’s got the athleticism to keep up further outside, so it’s not like he really needs to be put in a box. I think his strength/athleticism combination is better than his pure brute strength, and would love to see him get a shot at 5-tech.

Heat Index: 7.0

You know what, we’re hot here, but not THAT hot. Without looking at the other examples I’ve used to stay consistent, I’m gonna say this is a pizza pan immediately after coming out of the oven.

Since the Pats just won the Super Bowl everyone is all over them, but the fact of the matter is the Chiefs were a better matchup against them than either the Steelers or the Falcons. They can play man coverage, blow up receivers, would’ve actually CAUGHT the several “potential picks” Brady threw (which people are ignoring, especially vs. ATL, because the end result is all that matters in the NFL), and would’ve been able to get some pressure on Brady (with an inferior OL to what Pittsburgh has).

That said, this Chiefs team was so inconsistent on offense that it’s tough to imagine them not ultimately losing. I think Belichick runs the ball 50 times and we all vomit.

Heat Index: 9.7

We’re on the surface of the sun. The only reason it’s not higher is that Parker did play really well in 2016. But besides that, I need to get to a different one before I burn my fingers typing about this take.

Heat Index: 9.6

Everything is burning, I can’t escape! We’re still trapped on the sun!

Look, I get it. Kelce lost his cool during the playoff game. He also threw a flag at a ref in one of the more immature moments I’ve seen on a football field.

On the flip side of that, he goes to BAT for his teammates, clearly works hard at his craft (look at the way he carries the ball and his route running now as opposed to his first season if you want proof), and holds himself to a ridiculously high standard. Don’t believe me? Check out his interview with BJ Kissel (remember that guy???), in which he comes down on himself for not playing well this season. The guy desperately wants to be great.

Is he a showboat at times? Yes. Does he need to let his emotions carry the day less? Absolutely. Does he have the attitude I want from a team captain? You bet.

Heat Index: 9.2

We cannot get out of the inferno. Marcus Peters is going to see that tweet and probably (and by probably, I mean definitely) find your phone, take it away and punt it. I’m just saying.

To be fair, he’s not a great tackler. But he’s willing to hit and wraps up... usually. Ever notice you don’t see a ton of YAC when he’s in the area of a catch? Or see him blow up a WR screen? He can tackle. It’s just not a strength of his ala Brandon Flowers.

Something about that tweet being made by that name made me lose my will to live. I’m pretty sure it’s the idea of someone who is so desperate for the Chiefs to draft QB they change their Twitter handle to reflect it, only they secretly believe said QB will be a wild disappointment. It’s so dark, guys. There’s no way out. I can’t even give a heat index here. Let’s stop thinking about it.

Heat Index: 5.9

We’re on the warm end here, but only because Pittsburgh running all over the defensive line made me REALLY miss Allen Bailey. There’s value on a guy who is strong as an ox and doesn’t move when pushed, even if he doesn’t rush the passer. While you don’t want that guy to be your best DL, you want him available.

It IS at least worth thinking about, though, how well the DL held up (to an extent) without Howard and Bailey. And, more specifically, how Chris Jones became IMMEDIATELY the best player on the line. It makes you think...

Heat Index: 9.9

We’ve gone nearly full supernova here. Basically, for the Steelers to beat the Chiefs, they required the offense having a supremely “meh” day (with issues from Alex and the receivers on different plays), a flip of a coin turnover (tipped pass going right to a defender), and a really, really iffy holding call down the stretch. In other words, the Chiefs, on a very average day for them, took PIT to the limit. They should’ve won that game by 3 touchdowns.

Heat Index: En fuego

That take is so hot I didn’t even check to see if I used the Spanish words there correctly. Or if they even mean what I think they mean.

Heat Index: 8.8

We’re still talking crazy hot, but we’re not quite at molten lava. Look, I get that we all love Tyreek Hill’s big-play capability and he performed above expectations... but take some time to watch Maclin’s routes as the year wound down. The man was getting open. This idea that he’s suddenly washed is crazy.

(Face melts)

I think we’re done here. Thanks for the takes, guys.