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2016 NFL mock draft: Texans find a replacement for JJ Watt

With the 22nd pick in the 2016 Arrowhead Pride mock draft, Houston Watts GM ta2tony21 selects...

/inserts cliffhanger here

Some player who won’t help them beat the Chiefs. Like. Ever. Obviously the Watts have a lengthy list of needs if they ever want to aspire to beat the Chiefs (who, Gods being kind, get to play these chumps a third time in two years) starting with quarterback, running back, wide receiver, tight end, offensive tackle, guard, center, safety, cornerback, inside linebacker, outside linebacker, nose tackle, and most importantly of all: defensive end.

You see, in the year since JJ Watt was last spotted cutting firewood in the woods (borderline cannibalism if you ask me) in a football uniform with no gloves (things only rednecks notice), he has developed a severe case of ichthyophobia and diarrhea. But mostly ichthyophobia. Which, if you didn’t know, is the fear of fish. Or rather, Fish, if that’s what you call him. You know, that or, uh, His Fishness, or uh, Fisher, or El Fisherino if you’re not into that whole brevity thing. What in God’s holy name am I blathering about, you might ask? The bums lost, sir!

…JJ Watt is scared of Eric Fisher. I mean, I bet he fakes an injury the week the Watts play the Chiefs. Oh, he’ll be active come game day, but he’s totes sitting this next one out.

So where were we? Oh yeah, selecting a draft pick for these southbound pachyderms with oversized belt-buckles that rival their over-estimation of BBQ so conservative it matches their political tendencies.

Well, considering all of the team needs for the Houston Watts it really only comes down to two options. The first and easiest option being a DE to fill in for JJ’s 15 sacks per game (as projected by [Fansite deleted by the editor]) when he decides to ask for a mulligan against KC this upcoming season; someone is going to have to play every position on defense while Baby-J is getting his diapers changed on the sidelines. The other option here at 22, in fact my dark horse pick of the draft, is just one frickin’ special teams guy who can tackle Knile Davis before allowing him to run 106 yards for the playoff game-deciding score.

Unfortunately, since no such human being exists, at least not one known to man not named Chuck Norris, the selection here has to be Boy J’s replacement ...

Ole Miss DT Robert Nkemdiche

Shit, what’s the worst that could happen?