Every year, when the NFL schedule is released, millions of fans make snap judgments as to how the schedule will work out for their favorite team.
Thousands of NFL analysts / reporters write articles on what the schedule means.
Thousands MORE write articles mocking all the attention the schedule release gets. Oddly enough, many people who write those articles don't seem to understand that they're perpetuating the cycle and not even kind of original. But that's a whole separate topic.
You all know the truth; making predictions based on the record a team had last season is bound to be so full of holes that it's borderline useless. You really think the 49ers are going to be REMOTELY as difficult a draw as they were last season or the season before? Or that the Chargers will be the same team as their record last year if they trade Philip Rivers (please, do it. Trade him. Do it!). You know it, I know it, even people that don't follow football know it.
Between the schedule hype, the backlash to the schedule hype, and now the backlash to the backlash of the schedule hype, there's absolutely nothing of real note I can tell you about the schedule you haven't read at least 3-4 times already. You have seen any and all possible ways of dissecting, breaking down, and analyzing the schedule. There's no possible way for me to make predictions that won't be repetitive. There's nothing more for me to do that wouldn't be redundant. I'm being repetitive and redundant while talking about repetition and redundancy.
Chiefs Schedule Predictions: The Coin Toss Edition
There's only one way to see what fate has in store for the Chiefs this season. I'm going to leave it up to a little thing I like to call destiny (and gravity, and physics) to determine how the Chiefs will fare this season.
Heads is a win, tails is a loss. If you don't understand why "heads" is the good side of a coin flip, I simply cannot help you. You're probably one of those people who thinks toilet paper should unroll from the back side too. There's a word for people like you. Wrong.
Anyway, let's make some predictions
(Late note- I really did flip a coin 16 times in the middle of my office. My legal assistant now believes I'm certifiable. Which should help cut down on small talk during the workday. It's a win for everyone)
Week 1: @ Texans- WIN
We're off to a good start. I'm glad we're doing this.
Week 2: Broncos- WIN
I've never had an idea this good. I think it's safe to say we're not out of the realm of possibility for 16-0.
Week 3: @ Packers- LOSS
Week 4: @ Bengals- WIN
Even coins know Andy Dalton is not a good quarterback.
Week 5: Bears- LOSS
Ouch. I assume this means Smokin' Jay is going to make a comeback.
Week 6: @ Vikings- LOSS
It's a near-certainty that I'm going to be at this game, so this one hurts. Also, it hasn't taken me long to get really, really, hung up on whether this coin says "heads" or "tails." I feel like this says something important about human psychology. That or I'm crazy. Maybe a bit of both.
Week 7: Steelers- WIN
We're back on track. If this ends up 8-8 I'm going to be very upset.
Week 8: Lions- LOSS
I blame London for this loss. Stupid London.
Week 9: BYE
My OCD prevented me from simply skipping a week. It's a rough day for my ability to pretend I'm normal.
Week 10: @ Broncos- WIN
I'm just so happy.
Week 11: @ Chargers- LOSS
That ended quickly. This really is eerily similar to actually living through a Chiefs season, no?
Week 12: Bills- WIN
We OWN the Bills! OWN them! Also, I'm terrified of what that defense is going to look like under Rexy.
Week 13: @ Raiders- WIN
Week 14: Chargers- WIN
Revenge on the Chargers. Good job, coin.
Week 15: @ Ravens- LOSS
I really look forward to this loss, as it'll definitely spark a lot of constructive, informative discussion as to the merits of Alex Smith vs. the merits of Joe Flacco.
Week 16: Browns- WIN
The Revenge of The Bowe Showwill have to wait at least a year.
Week 17: Raiders- WIN
I dropped the coin on the floor, but DIDN'T LOOK before I picked it up and slapped it onto the back of my hand. That counts, right? Yeah, that counts.
Final Record Prediction of Fate and Science: 10-6
I can't think of a single reason as to why this prediction isn't just as likely to be correct as every other prediction out there. I'm glad we took this journey together. And if you (like me) found yourself caring about the results of these coin flips as we went along, then I'm happy to report you're just as sick and twisted as I am.
Oh, you want a REAL though on the schedule? Um... I guess it's a good thing to get the Thursday Night game out of the way as early as possible, considering guys won't already be worn down. And you'd better believe I'm going to do everything in my power to be at that home opener.
Beyond that? I have nothing for you. But then, neither does anyone else. So... you're welcome.