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Arrowhead Pride staff stats: Just the facts, man

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

Writing and working for Arrowhead Pride is pretty fun. I'd rate it somewhere between a good game of Risk and re-watching old episodes of Scrubs (that first one is a compliment. I swear. I love me some Risk).

You get a chance to interact with great football minds, and Joel. You also get a chance to meet a bunch of really nice people, and Chris. But mostly, you get the sense of satisfaction that you're contributing to the best Chiefs website out there.

There's only one problem with Arrowhead Pride. It is a problem so glaring I'm somewhat surprised Obama hasn't had the place shut down by now. It's a problem that, in today's age, is so inexcusable as to be borderline insulting to anyone and everyone who clicks a button or types in the letter "a" in their browser to get to this wonderful place.

Somehow, some way, there are no PFF ratings for this site's staff.

(waits for the frenzied shouting to die down)

I know. I know. This cannot stand. Anyone and everyone who follows the NFL knows for a fact that without a system of numbered grades, there is no way to know anything about anyone. Why would I read Matt's stuff to figure out what I think of him as a writer when someone else could assign a number that TELLS me what kind of writer he is? What kind of hippie / commie / fascist idea is it that I won't have the comfort of a totally objective numeral to determine the value of each and every staff member here? Seriously, I'm getting angry just thinking about it.

I'm not the only one, either. A quick Twitter search revealed to me that approximately 98.7 percent of people on Twitter need ratings in order to determine rankings, with a shocking 97.8 percent of THOSE people viewing power rankings as the most important thing about any institution.

On a quick side note, that idea makes sense. One has to wonder how many of the world's problems would be solved with a "country power rankings" as determined by a numerical ratings system called "stats?" I can't say for sure, but all of them.

So without further ado (I think 350-plus words of ado is plenty), it's time to fix the final problem with Arrowhead Pride. No staff member is immune. It is so on. I can say with 100 percent confidence that there will be numbers grading people, which research shows makes something at least three times more reliable.

The following categories shall be judged by an unbiased individual who will remain anonymous. These are all based on suggestions by various readers, way too many to hat tip (though I believe it was AP users severn58 and ChiefChad who initially suggested the idea).

Grit Comments Snark Media Editing Homerism Parentheses Use Sweatpants Use Hot Takes Aex Smith

I'd explain the various categories, but it's a lot more fun to just give the grades now. Who needs explanations for this kind of thing? There are numbers for these grades, people. So you know you can trust the process.

Staff Member Grit Comments Snark Media Editing Homerism Parantheses Use Sweatpants Hot Takes Alex Smith
Joel Thorman 9.7 -1.1 3.5 7.4 3.6 3.3 1.5 20.5 1.3 11.6
Chris Thorman 0.8 -5.4 7.4 8.1 -9.2 2.8 0 -2.1 0.7 0.8
Matt V. 5.5 1.3 2.9 0.5 5 4.9 2.3 1.1 -4.6 5.4
Clay Wendler 4.4 -4.2 11.8 17.5 n/a -5.7 0.7 0 5.8 3.3
Craig Stout -2.4 -2 3.1 4.3 3.4 0.4 1.1 0.8 -2.3 1.9
Matt Conner 0 -2.7 -1.9 1.1 6.1 1.1 0.4 -1.2 1.1 0.9
Woodman212 11.5 -11.5 n/a n/a 1.5 0 0 14.3 0 0
stagdsp -4.5 14.2 -7.7 0 1.2 15.9 1.4 0.3 2.5 10.4
NJ Chiefs Fan 8.2 -1.1 2.9 1.2 2.2 -1.1 8.8 1.1 -1.6 6.7
MNchiefsfan 2.3 5.4 7.6 -7.9 -2.6 8.2 25.9 -4.5 8.2 28.8

Pretty comprehensive stuff, I know. With these numbers, we can now determine the ever-present question... who is, in fact, the best? I assure you, this process has been done in the most objective way possible. The categories were painstakingly picked, the numbers agonized over for days. In other words, nothing anyone else says anywhere about any of these people matters.

Chris Thorman: 3.9

Any analysis of Arrowhead Pride staff begins with the Original Thorman Bro. Chris earned himself a high "media" score through the magic of being confirmed on Twitter. I have no idea what that means, but I know it's important and only happens to really famous people. I think it has something to do with knowing Oprah, but I have not been able to confirm this yet.

On the minus side of things, you can't just ignore a negative -9.2 grade in Editing. I mean, there's a reason people say "blame Chris." At least, I think there is. There must be. After all, look at his grade. What do you mean, circular reasoning?

stagdsp: 33.7

This is a true underdog story. I don't think I've ever seen stagdsp write an article. I have no idea if he's capable of even forming a cogent sentence outside the comment section. And let's face it, the man lacks any snark whatsoever, with the lowest grade of the entire staff.

But you can't deny the man's omnipresence in the comment section and the quality of said comments. And nobody... I mean NOBODY... dominates in Homerism the way this guy does. It carries his grade, which just goes to show how positivity can lift you up like a bunch of drunk guys at a wedding attempting to lift the bride bar mitzvah-style. I mean, sure, she falls and gets injured on the most important day of her life, but the point is she was LIFTED, man. Don't hate on a great analogy.

What were we talking about?

Clay Wendler:  33.6

If you're thinking "who?" when you read this name, your life as a Chiefs fan is incomplete, as you've missed out on roughly 9,000 fantastic videos.

It's this media mastery that earns Clay a fantastic grade, despite having negligible scores in other areas. How does the man get a "snark" score despite hardly ever commenting? Because when you're as snarky as Clay Wendler, that sticks around for a decade. Red Tribe Cinema. Look it up now, thank me later.

NJ Chiefs Fan:  25.1

A jack of all trades, master of none, NJ Chiefs fan is the quietly productive player no one ever talks about. All he does is crank out Arrowheadlines day after day, week after week, month after month. He's an unstoppable force that moves at the pace of a glacier but is inevitable as... uh... well, a glacier.

So what if a lot of his positive scores come from articles he's linking? That's the beauty of being the glue guy; you get credit for the stuff others are doing. He might not have quite as high a score as a Wendler or a stagdsp, but he'll win you games all on his own some days.

Also, some of the best threads are when NJ drops in out of nowhere to detonate a snark bomb or a great meme. It's like unicorn; rare, but wonderful when it happens.

Woodman212:  I'm Scared

Woodman is always present. His unblinking eyes gaze across the fields of Arrowhead Pride, mercilessly seeking the one thing he most desires; something to devour.

It is said that at one time Woodman was like one of you. But time twisted and reshaped him, and he is only less evil than his master Joel Thorman in that for a time he served another. But his lidless eye is now mastered by none, and master of all it surveys.

So basically, Woody is Sauron, and I'm afraid to count up his score for fear my computer screen will dissolve into an eye staring back at me. One does not simply type about Woodman212.

Matt Conner:  4.9

Sometimes numbers and grades are cruel. Like when they drastically underrate a guy who does a little bit of everything to keep the team ahead when the clock hits zero. There's something to be said for showing up every day, doing whatever the team needs, and heading home without any fanfare.

There will be no parades for Matt Conner. He won't be signing any endorsement deals any time soon like the flashier Clay. He's not internationally recognized like a Chris Thorman. And he certainly doesn't strike terror into the hearts of millions like He Who Shall Not Be Named (I think I mixed up nerd source material there). But all. He. Does. Is. Win.

Matt Conner, in other words, IS Alex Smith. Which makes his low Alex Smith score all the more shocking.

Craig Stout: 7.9

In the first draft of this column, Craig Stout possessed a grade of 1,044.6. Then I removed Beard Length, Derrick Johnson Obsession, and ginger-ness as categories and he plummeted faster than Johnny Football's hype after seeing actual NFL action.

It's a shame, too. Because Craig Stout has all the talent of a Hall of Famer. He can do it all. He basically invented advanced stats for defense before they were called advanced stats. Everything that's come since then has been a pale imitation of Craig's legendary defensive breakdowns. One day, legend has it he will rise from the ashes like... like... oh, it's some kind of bird. It'll come to me eventually.

Matt Verderame: 24.3

There's no easy way to sum up Matt Verderame. But one AP user sure did try.

Frankly, I used to think your writing sucked, and scoffed when you said you put out a magazine (that was you, right?).

You have completely reversed my thinking. This is some serious A-plus content.

Matt V has shown that grit and hustle can bring you from the gutter of Arrowspread's disdain all the way to the top of the mountain; Arrowspread's admiration. And isn't that why we're all here?

It's worth noting that Matty's only negative grade comes because of his intense, searing hatred for hot takes. If he ever decides to fully embrace that staple of football writing, he'll be unstoppable. He absolutely watches more Chiefs film than this author does. And that's true of maybe 5 people on earth outside of Andy Reid's coaching staff.

MNchiefsfan:  71.4

MNchiefsfan is the J.J. Watt of advanced Arrowhead Pride staff statistics. MNchiefsfan makes Marshawn Lynch's playoff PFF scores look pathetic. MNchiefsfan once bored a man to death with a 5,000 word film review on Tyson Jackson only to revive him by slapping him across the face with a cardboard cutout parenthesis. MNchiefsfan makes the world a better place. MNchiefsfan was inevitably going to destroy all competition in any objective race. MNchiefsfan is the greatest. MNchiefsfan wrote this paragraph.

Oh, what's that, you wanted a quote from someone who ISN'T me? Fine. Take it away, Mrs. MNchiefsfan.

(so I may or may not have gone upstairs and woken up my almost-asleep wife to ask her the following question. The fact that I am still married is somewhat remarkable)

What is it that made MNchiefsfan's victory in this ranking inevitable?

"Other than the fact that you're referring to yourself in the third person right now?"

(I don't like how this started off. This may have been is a mistake)

"Well, to quote a president's wife..."

(Pause. We can see where this is going. All you fools are about to here about how I'm basically a president. And not one of those lame ones that no one can name, either. But, like, a really great one. This has the makings of a quote I'm going to put on my background and look at when I'm feeling down about my writing ability)

"... don't be silly, baby. Had I married any of those other guys they would've won."

(Dang it, woman!)

Joel Thorman:  61.3

It says something that when I say "The Blogfather" here, about half of you know who I'm talking about. That's just taking things to a whole new level. The only reason Joel Thorman didn't blow the rest of the world out of the water was his shocking lack of parentheses per word. When your ratio drops down to 1:1, you're not going to take down the champ.

But I think we can all see the direction this is headed. Joel's sweatpants aren't going anywhere. In the meantime, that Alex Smith score propping me up is only going down from here, given that I've written every word one can legally write about Alex Smith in a calendar year.

For now, though, the numbers don't lie. In the most analytical method possible, we've determined not only who the alpha dog is of Arrowhead Pride, but we've also discovered a shocking truth; not one staff member has a negative overall rating. I know, not even Craig.

I'll see you next year, Thorman. I'm not losing this crown without a fight. I'll wear sweatpants to court if that's what it takes.