Today is a special day in the mailbag. Not because of anything particularly special about what I'm going to do. Me doing something special sounds difficult and time-consuming. I like my routine and intend on sticking with it (I'm a creature of habit; I order the same thing at most restaurants because I know what I like).
No, today being a special mailbag has nothing to do with me. Instead, we're going to have a guest appearance by the greatest woman ever to walk the Earth. My world, my muse, my really tolerant wife. Yep, that's right, Mrs. MNchiefsfan is back by popular demand.
After making a brief guest appearance to say kinda / sorta mean things about Albert Wilson (her "he looks like he likes to watch football" comment was pure, solid gold), I was asked to have the better half participate in a mailbag. With that in mind, she'll answer a few questions about attending games, fantasy football, and what annoys her about me (yay).
But first (since this is, you know, a football blog), let's hit a couple of mailbag questions about football.
@RealMNchiefsfan @ArrowheadPride what is the single biggest factor to the chiefs success this season— Kevin Chaney (@TheChaneSaw) August 14, 2014
Alex Smith, and it's not close. I've said it repeatedly; if Smith plays the way he did to close the season last year, the Chiefs offense will make some noise. If he plays like he did during the first half of the season (competent, but that's it), the Chiefs offense won't be significantly better and will struggle against the very good defenses we have on the schedule.
It's a quarterback league now. That's just the way it is. Now, the potential emergence of Travis Kelce, the blazing speed of De'Anthony Thomas, and what LOOKS like a highly motivated Dwayne Bowe could all combine to us seeing a much better offense than we expect. But at the end of the day it depends on Smith. We'll see what happens. Now if you'll excuse me, i need to go swing a dead cat around my head seven times at midnight in a local graveyard.
@RealMNchiefsfan Football question - if you were not a Chiefs fan, which NFL team would you root for and why?— Matt Loper (@MattJLoper) August 14, 2014
Gotta be the Vikings. For starters, I'm from Minnesota. 90 percent of my friends are Vikings fans. It would definitely be nice to be able to care about the same team they do. Part of the reason I joined Arrowhead Pride four years ago is the fact that literally none of my friends care about the Chiefs enough to talk about them with me (at least at the level I'd like to talk. The backup guard situation is interesting, and you'll never convince me otherwise!).
Additionally, I'd really love to be close to the team I root for. You guys from KC have no idea how lucky you are to be able to attend games whenever you feel like it (and have the requisite cash on hand, of course). Crap, I'd settle for a chance to watch training camp. It really stinks not being local sometimes.
Finally, I like the way the Vikings are headed. Teddy Bridgewater was far and away my favorite quarterback from the draft. Mike Zimmer is a good defensive coach. Norv Turner knows how to run an offense. They've got more playmakers than they're given credit for. I think the Vikings could be primed for a quick turnaround.
Also, congrats Matt, you get two questions, because you intrigued me with this next one...
@RealMNchiefsfan Non-football: A) better film: Terminator or Terminator 2? B) five best sitcoms of the last 20 years.— Matt Loper (@MattJLoper) August 14, 2014
First one is easy; Terminator 2, hands down. Even though it's less original (obviously), people forget how UNBELIEVABLE the T-1000 was at the time that movie came out. His hands turn into blades! It does not get scarier than the T-1000.
And sitcoms of the last 20 years? Whoo boy. That's a tough one. There is literally no way that I won't be strongly disagreed with, regardless of who I pick. There's also literally no way I'd pick the same five every time. So here are some qualifiers. No "Seinfeld" (too easy). No "Scrubs" (I picked them for an award another time). All picks must come from this list. No nostalgia picks ("Boy Meets World," "Full House," "Family Matters," etc.). With that in mind, here's a list with brief explanations. And know that too much thought went into this and I changed my mind 34,953 times.
5) Better Off Ted
Legitimately hysterical. Seriously, watch this show. Of course, I'm very certain this is pretty narrowly tailored to a certain type of humor, so one of two things will happen when you watch this show (it's on Netflix): either you'll disagree with me completely and think I'm a moron, or laugh until your side is killing you. There is no middle ground with this show.
4) Everybody Loves Raymond
I know, it's a lame "married people being funny about marriage" pick. But you know what? It's funny to married people, who make up 95% of America's population (or something). It's a funny show, and one that has pretty high re-watchability for multiple seasons. That's rare.
3) That 70's Show
It definitely stumbled at the end (quick note for TV executives; when you lose your two biggest stars, it's time to hang it up. You're welcome, I await my check), but it had multiple strong seasons. Granted, this ALMOST falls under a nostalgia pick due to the fact that some of my teenage years coincided with this show perfectly.
Overall, it's strong. There's tons of moments that cause outright laughter, some legit moments of "realness," and a VERY large amount of re-watchability (in case you haven't noticed, that's a big factor for me). Also, Red Foreman is an American icon. You'd THINK it would get old hearing him threaten to put his foot places (well, one place), but it never does. Ever. Red Foreman would beat the crap out of you if he were still alive today at 90. And you know it.
"You know Kelso, my wife tells me there's nothing I can do about you dating my daughter, but you and I both know that's not true... I could kill you."
2) How I Met Your Mother
Another one that lurched to a halt. But this show was highly original and told an interwoven story that was genuinely impressive. Very solid writing with tons of unique "in" jokes (making "lawyer'd" and slap bets an actual thing is just flat-out impressive), lots of heart (the actor who played Ted Mosby was born to play sad sack), and two characters that were completely one-of-a-kind in Barney and Marshall.
Also, Marshall's just incredible. All kinds of awesome. And you can't prove I'm wrong. Lawyer'd.
1) The Office (American version)
People remember the rough season without Michael Scott and with James Spader. But the show actually recovered pretty nicely in the final season, and the finale was one of the better-executed and more satisfying finales I can remember. But really, The Office is on top for what it did during its first 6-7 seasons. I'll give you three reasons it stands alone.
First, there's the fact that this show had way, way, way too many funny moments to even start listing them. Michael vs. Toby. "I declare bankruptcy." Threatening to burn Utica to the ground. Even the outtakes are insanely funny. Everything Creed did. Kevin's hopelessness. Dwight's insanity. The pranks. And of course Michael. Always Michael. This show's humor will absolutely hold up in 20 years.
Second, "The Office" actually went beyond humor and turned a bunch of caricatures into characters. Nowhere was this more evident than Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute. They were both hollow jokes of human beings when the show began. Punch lines who had no soul. By the time the show ended, you cared about those two arguably as much as you cared about the early "heroes" of the show. And about those heroes...
The universe-imploding chemistry of Jim and Pam has not been and will not be equaled on the small screen. Ever. The lone challenger is Coach Taylor and Tami, and they have the disadvantage of starting off as married on their show. Remember watching Jim finally suck it up and go for it on Casino Night? Admit it, you've never rooted that hard for a fictitious character in your entire life. It's tough to remember now because it's been awhile, but those two were THE "holy crap those two are absolutely in love in real life and if that's not true I hate everything" couple of television. If I were Jenna Fischer's husband I'd be legitimately concerned.
Those three facets make "The Office" stand alone among sitcoms. At least, that's my opinion this second. Give it a few minutes and I'm sure that'll change.
@RealMNchiefsfan Who wins the kicker battle?— Chris Clark (@KCChiefs_58) August 14, 2014
If you'd asked me a few weeks ago I would've said Cairo Santos. But watching Ryan Succop hit a 54-yard field goal with plenty of room to spare makes me ask myself; is his leg strength REALLY an issue? He's been booming the kickoffs to the back of the end zone without a problem as well.
Neither would surprise me, but I think it's Succop's job to lose right now.
All right, time to bring in the pinch hitter. Mrs. MNchiefsfan has graciously volunteered her time, and here were the questions she got... the next section is all my better half.
Mrs. MNchiefsfan Mailbag
@RealMNchiefsfan @ArrowheadPride What's the obstacle for Women playing Fantasy Football? I can't get my wife into it.— Ryan Tracy (@RyanTracyNFL) August 19, 2014
There are a few of problems with fantasy football for most women. For starters, it's too much. You already want us to learn the names and positions of every Chiefs player. Now we're supposed to learn the names of EVERY player? And we're supposed to know what they're going to do every week? You're asking us to care way too much for something like fantasy football.
A better idea would be a fantasy football league for women that focuses on stuff we can actually figure out. We could guess things like:
1) What player is the most likely to do a really cocky end zone dance.
2) What player thinks he isn't very good and will look sad during the game.
3) What players secretly hate each other.
4) How many times players will fall down during a game. It seems like it's about a thousand.
5) What player is going to do something stupid to make his team lose.
Women would win against men in guessing those things every time.
But I don't think you've thought this through. Do you really want your wife playing fantasy football? Right now, she watches the kids and does housework while you stare at the television and add up numbers and stuff. Who is going to do that stuff if she's going crazy for fantasy football? You. You're also risking her actually beating you in front of all your friends. I don't think most husbands are ready for that. Maybe leave it alone?
@RealMNchiefsfan @ArrowheadPride Would she ever go to Arrowhead Stadium with you and watch a game?— Andre de Souza (@Knightwolfbr) August 19, 2014
I already went to Arrowhead and watched a game with my husband. I was pregnant at the time and feeling nauseous, so it wasn't that much fun for me. But he was so happy that I enjoyed that part.
I think I would like it a lot more if the Chiefs had a dome. We were on a side with shade and it got really, really cold. In case you don't know this, women don't like being cold. We hate it. It ruins everything, even food.
If the Chiefs want more women to want to go to games, they need to figure out something with the cold. I think a dome would be great. I also suggested to my husband that they make all seats box seats, or heat all the seats. I know that would cost a lot of money, but it would make me like the games a lot more.
@RealMNchiefsfan Name MNchiefsfan's five most annoying personality traits.— Matt Loper (@MattJLoper) August 19, 2014
Nice try. If you want me to embarrass my husband you'll have to figure out a more clever question :)
So that's that end of Seth's mailbag. He likes to end things with a joke or something, but instead I'll just say thanks for the questions and go Chiefs!
(MNChiefsfan note; for future mailbags, email to MNchiefsfan@hotmail.com or tweet to @RealMNchiefsfan. Thanks to my wife for being willing to participate in my mindless column. And guys, that was NOT a challenge to come up with more clever questions to embarrass me. At least I don't think it was)