OK, here's the thing. I wasn't even planning on doing an entry in this year's Arrowhead Pride mock draft. I have a lot going on in my personal life and with that adding onto the disenchantment with this year's offseason, I was perfectly happy taking a true offseason off of football, except for maybe popping by to see how the draft is going.
But then I saw Joel say that no one had taken the Denver Broncos and I figured I could find the time to do a reasonable amount of homework that it would take to simulate a John Elway draft pick. Will it be the same pick as Horseface would? Maybe, maybe not but it doesn't really matter. Why?
Because the Denver Broncos are a damn joke. (Note by Joel: Suddenly, I'm regretting this mock draft pick.)
In fact, I think a more accurate name for the Broncos would be The Peyton Mannings. They have a Hall of Famer and 52 unlikeable plugs that would make for nice special teamers for my hometown Calgary Stampeders. I know, I know, they have played in some playoff games in the past several years. Heck they even won a couple, which is a hell of a lot more than we've done.
However, that doesn't change the fact that the team that Sarah Jessica Parker built is one Peyton Manning commercial shoot injury away from being 2-14.
This reminds me: Did you hear about the commercial Peyton Manning passed up? Me either. Folks, we are officially three years away before Peyton Manning is selling adult diapers with Tony Siragusa. "When I pooped myself in the playoffs, I'm glad I'm wearing the hidden comfort of Depends!"
The truth is, the draft has never been important to John Elway. Maybe it goes back to his Stanford days when he flat out refused to play for the team he was drafted by. Hell, he whined so much about being drafted by the Colts he almost quit playing football and signed with the Yankees. Maybe it's because he's so bad at drafting that he felt the need to sign 92 percent of the free agents that hit the open market this last year. I can't remember a single team being built through free agency ever winning a Super Bowl, but keep it up Mr. Ed ... sign a couple more 30-plus year old free agents with injury concerns, maybe nobody will notice that you have no idea what uou are doing in the draft.
But CRAAAAAAIG, Seabiscuit drafted Von Miller! That dude can flat out ball!! Can he? Sure he had a couple of fine years when he tore up the league with a bunch of sacks. Since then the only thing he's torn up is a bunch of paychecks from suspensions and his ACL. I suspect he'll lead the league in sacks in 2016, but unfortunately for him it will be the CFL.
If you haven't figured it out yet, I pretty much hate everything about the Broncos. The city of Denver is basically a dumpier version Calgary. The color orange is perhaps the biggest aborted mashup of two colors since teal. I probably even hate horses more than Eric Berry does. Even as a small boy I cheered when Atreyu's horse drowned in Quicksand during The Neverending Story.
Anyways on to the pick. Like I said, it doesn't really matter who I pick because whoever Secretariat picks is going to bust hard so I almost feel bad for the kid who gets picked here.
Let's go with WR Jared Abbrederis, who would fit in nicely in the recently departed Eric Decker. Sure he is projected to be a third or fourth round pick, but maybe if they put Abbrederis in Decker's old jersey, smear eye back all over his face and have him whine after every call, Pey Pey will never know the difference. Or maybe I'm still pissed that Abbredaris' fumble in the 2012 Rose Bowl cost me $500 and I hope he rots in Denver trying to haul in passes from Brock Osweiller.
In any event, I just can't wait for Flicka to be exposed as a fraud once Peyton is tired of continuous playoff choke jobs, and starts shilling Papa John's full time.
- Houston Texans (kuchiefs13) - South Carolina DE / LB Jadeveon Clowney
- St. Louis Rams (chiefsman7588) - Auburn OT Greg Robinson
- Jacksonville Jaguars (Steve The Hedge) - Louisville QB Teddy Bridgewater
- Cleveland Browns (NigerianNightmare) - Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel
- Oakland Raiders (seein'red) - Clemson WR Sammy Watkins
- Atlanta Falcons (chiefstruelove) - Texas A&M WR Mike Evans
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (kswanson) - North Carolina TE Eric Ebron
- Minnesota Vikings (kcsno56) - Buffalo OLB Khalil Mack
- Buffalo Bills (Aesthist) - Central Florida QB Blake Bortles
- Detroit Lions (BuckTheFroncos) - Oklahoma State CB Justin Gilbert
- Tennessee Titans (mrchiefs101) - Alabama S Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
- New York Giants (Akr_baby) - Pittsburgh DT Aaron Donald
- St. Louis Rams (chiefsman7588) - Louisville S Calvin Pryor
- Chicago Bears (Ben Mitchum) - Michigan State CB Darqueze Dennard
- Pittsburgh Steelers (SacramentoDrew) - Texas A&M LT Jake Matthews
- Dallas Cowboys (LocoGonzo) - Florida State DT Timmy Jernigan
- Baltimore Ravens (Ben S) - Michigan OT Taylor Lewan
- New York Jets (Kdub64) - Oregon State WR Brandin Cooks
- Miami Dolphins (SayHeyWerd) - Notre Dame OT/G Zack Martin
- Arizona Cardinals (Koopaztown) - Auburn DE Dee Ford
- Green Bay Packers (kaiser1118) - UCLA LB Anthony Barr
- Philadelphia Eagles (Matt in KC) - LSU WR Odell Beckham Jr.
- Kansas City Chiefs (R2J) - USC WR Marqise Lee
- Cincinnati Bengals (Robert Mayes) - Mizzou DE Kony Ealy
- San Diego Chargers (TheDudeAbides007) - Virginia Tech CB Kyle Fuller
- Cleveland Browns (NigerianNightmare) - UCLA G Xavier Su'a-Filo
- New Orleans Saints (BeeRadd) - Florida State WR Kelvin Benjamin
- Carolina Panthers (citadelchief) - Virginia OT/G Morgan Moses
- New England Patriots (death2norm) - Notre Dame DE Stephon Tuitt
- San Francisco 49ers (Smitty713) - Ohio State OLB Ryan Shazier
- Denver Broncos (craig in calgary) - Wisconsin WR Jared Abbrederis
- Seattle Seahawks (misterbrain)