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Chiefs beat Jets: Moral losses

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NOTE: Yes, this is satire. No, it's not as funny when you have to point out it's satire. But you know how the Internet is ... Also, this is best read in Ben Stiller's voice from Dodgeball.

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

It's a sad day in Chiefs Kingdom.

Yesterday, in front of thousands of adoring fans, the Chiefs laid a big fat egg for all the NFL to see. They might have been there physically, but clearly they left their hearts in the locker room (or perhaps on the field at Kauffman Stadium with the rest of Kansas City). They might have come to play, but the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets came to win.

The Jets outgained the Chiefs in the only stat that really counts, scoring 364 yards against the paltry 309 yards the Chiefs managed to scrounge up. Sure, the scoreboard only shows points (how stupid is it that it's 2014 and we're still using something as quaint as "points" to decide the outcome of games?), but the moral scoreboard read "the Jets very nearly almost came close to doing something resembling mounting a comeback. Maybe."

That's completely unacceptable. This is the National Football League. Someone forgot to send the Chiefs the memo that parity is something for fake sports, like the NBA until the playoffs. Being ahead by a paltry 14 points when time runs out might be good enough for November, but is it going to be enough to win games in January? I can't say for sure, because math is evil.

And while we're on the subject of evil, someone needs to say it; Anthony Fasano has clearly sold his soul to something not of this world. How else can you explain this play? I'm all for winning, but it needs to be done the right way: slinging the ball 40 yards down the field at least 15 times a game, not making shady deals with Lucifer. You can bet your bottom dollar that Peyton Freaking Manning would've made the scoreboard operator take those seven points down.

In fact, someone needs to get a memo to the NFL about the travesty that is a touchdown "catch" not made by a wide receiver. How is that still worth six points? The minute they change that rule (and it's a decade overdue) the Chiefs offense is going to be stagnant. Did you here the Steelers have 17 touchdowns to receivers? How are the Chiefs ever going to average 25-plus points a game?

(Checks team offense stats)

Well, nevermind on that. But I'd bet you my youngest child the Chiefs would be averaging 35 a game if the receivers were the ones catching the touchdowns instead of tight ends. I'm just saying. The truth hurts.

Speaking of truth, I think it's time someone finally lays it out there when it comes to this defense. Sure, after facing the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Philip Rivers, the Chiefs are giving up a second best in the league 17.3 points per game. But again, let's look at the big picture (and bigger numbers) people. The Chiefs are a not-as-high-as-second FIFTH in the league in yards allowed. You might be OK with mediocrity, but I'm not.

How can the Chiefs expect to continue to win if they can only hold the Jets seven points beneath their average for the season? Letting Mike Vick and something-something-something Simms carve the Chiefs up in the fourth quarter to the tune of 232 yards was just embarrassing. It was like the defense was just GIVING away easy short passes on the last few drives. What kind of strategy is that? Sure, it might prevent a big gain over the top, but who's ever even heard of such a thing? When you've got the lead it's time to release the hounds, not lay back.

If someone wanted to be some kind of sunshine pumper they could say something like "The Chiefs played well beneath their best football and still beat the Jets by more than the Packers, Patriots, and Lions." But that kind of attitude from fans literally leads to teams losing games. If we relax, the team relaxes. They need to see us literally sweating when they're walking the street. If we stay hungry, they stay hungry. Because fanhood.

Yeah, I'll take the win. I guess. But it's time to see some urgency. And they better not lose the yardage war again due to a bunch of terrible plays in the fourth quarter.

I expect better this next week. 41-7 would just about do it for me as long as they allow under 200 total yards. Just remember: games are won on the field, and the field is made up of yards. Ipso facto, yards ARE wins. It's just science, people.

I sure hope the Chiefs manage to rebound from such a soul-crushing win.