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Breaking News! Chiefs Sign Rosie O'Donnell

Thinking her playing days were over, Rosie is stunned by the news.

With the retirement of Will Shields, the Kansas City Chiefs are in a desperate position to fill their offensive line. In a rather shrewd move today, the Chiefs have signed former The View co-host Rosie O'Donnell immediately following her departure from the show.

The deal, reported to be worth two lesbian weddings and a drum of Diet Coke, will pit O'Donnell against NFL players nearly half her size. Chiefs GM Carl Peterson said, "Rosie had fallen off of everyone's board. Except ours. This is what I do. Sign. Quality. Players." Citing her previous sports experience in A League of Their Own, Peterson sees Rosie being a starter right off the bat. "What doesn't she have? Size. Tenacity. HUGE legs. You know offensive linemen need strong legs."

After the press conference, Peterson opened up a prescription bottle, emptied it into his mouth and drunkenly walked down the hall, cackling out loud to himself.

When asked about the signing of O'Donnell, Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards had this to say:

This is what's great about Rosie. This is what the greatest thing about sports is. She plays to win the game. Hello? She plays to win the game. She doesn't play it to just play it. That's the great thing about Rosie: she plays to win, and I don't care if you don't have any wins. You go play to win. When you start tellin' me she doesn't matter, then retire. Get out! 'Cause she matters.
Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.

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