Sometimes the PARADE has a little trouble coming up with who to put on notice.
Not this week...
I cannot stress enough that I am NOT making this up, it is 100% true, again not making this up...
Via I Dislike Your Favorite Team the PARADE has learned that Denver's long-time personal nemesis of mine place kicker Jason Elam has co-written with his pastor, a football-themed adventure novel about a terrorist plot titled, again, NOT MAKING THIS UP:
MONDAY NIGHT JIHAD
Cover via Tyndale House Publishers
Christ, I can see why Plummer decided to cash in his chips and move to Idaho.
The Devil courtesy of The Denver Post
Seriously, I hate this guy, and I'm not even going to get into the weird aspects of the Pat Tillman implications. I won't even get into how weird this I find super Christian athletes, i.e. Mike Sweeney and the entire Colorado Rockies franchise apparently.
No, the Parade is putting crazyman Jason Elam on notice because he capable of thinking that a Christian themed thriller wherein Islamic Terrorism is combatted by football is a good idea. He's like Dan Brown and Kirk Cameron had a love child and it was raised by Howie Long with nothing but choose your own adventure books. In a sense he's equating the NFL to the Knights Templar.
I mean the thought process has to be: "Hank Williams Jr. has beard, terrorists have beards, Hank Williams Jr. likes to blow stuff up, terrorists blow stuff up, all my rowdy friends yes I see where this leads..."
Mr. Elam's muse:
Completely insane, clearly.
This explains why it's impossible to ice him though. He's completely gone, seriously, there's just a vacant stare daydreaming about Bocephus blowing up Mile High occasionally interrupted by someone telling him to go in and kick a field goal. Why do you think he's number 1? Anything else would blow his mind.
On a personal sidenote, I had a friend who at random chose to be a Broncos fan even though he was from New Jersey. As a result, he once came up with this terrible rap:
I don't talk to girls,
I don't chase or need 'em
I kick b****es to the curb
like I was Jason Elam
I think it's safe to say that if Jason is kicking anything to "the curb" it's because he literally thinks they're a football or possibly a terrorist/the devil.
UPDATE:
You've got this Goo Man they want you to think we came from. It doesn't make sense to me.
I don't care what your view on evolution is, I think it's safe to say that "Goo Man" wasn't exactly what Darwin was getting at.