We've really reached the point where our lust for all things NFL has reached Khal Drogo-like levels, aren't we? We'll grab onto the slightest piece of information with the ferocity of a young dragon battling for a fish. We'll study the smallest tidbits with the seriousness of Tywin Lannister penning a letter condemning some poor soul to death. We explore the possibilities like Prince Oberyn ... well, that's probably as far as we should go there.
Anyway, my point is that we're all pathetic. Do you realize that we've known for MONTHS (or weeks? What year is it again?) who the Chiefs were playing this season? And that the idea that the exact order of those games will somehow shed light on the chances of a win or a loss is more ridiculous than Robb Stark's belief that his honor required him to execute a key ally (that's the last one, I swear)?
But that's today's NFL. It's an unstoppable juggernaut that laughs at the meager ratings all other sports conjure. More people watched the Chargers and Bengals Wild Card game last year than Game SEVEN of the NBA Finals. The Pro Bowl outdraws playoff matches in baseball. I'm pretty sure Peyton Manning could have ESPN tape him throwing passes to his dogs and 10 million people would tune in. We heart the NFL.
And just because I have absolutely no idea how the Chiefs' season is going to play out (honestly, I could see the Chiefs anywhere between 6-10 and 12-4) doesn't mean I'm going to miss out on the chance to make some bold, authoritative, and doubtlessly-way-off-base predictions for our schedule. Time to figure out how the Chiefs can go undefeated. And just for fun, how could they go all Detroit Lions and lose every game?
Week 1: Tennessee Titans
Why The Chiefs will go 1-0
One of the easiest ones to argue all season (which, considering the Titans are an average team, says something about the Chiefs schedule). The Chiefs go 1-0 because they're a better team. Alex Smith and company (with a brand-new wide receiver fresh off the first round) will come out firing, and the defense will show that last season's finish was the aberration. Dexter McCluster will drop three passes and delight half of AP. Arrowhead will be ROCKING.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-1
Because karma is a terrible thing, and she's been watching all the mean things people have said about poor Dex. He'll return two punts for touchdowns and make Dave Toub look somehow mortal. In the meantime, Smith will look like Weeks 1-9 Alex Smith in all the wrong ways, and the defense will prove that we all owe Kendrick Lewis a major apology for scapegoating him. Plus, the Chiefs are favored. That rarely works out well.
Week 2: At Denver Broncos
Why the Chiefs will go 2-0
John Elway screwed up bad taking Aqib Talib (who had half a great season last year and gets hurt more than Brodie Croyle) over DRC (who was lights out all year). DeMarcus Ware is a big name, but has had his sack numbers decline in each of the last two years and had SIX last year. Yeah, big upgrade over Shaun Phillips (10 sacks last year), Broncos fans. Also, Terrance Knighton, the glue of Denver's defense last year, won't be able to play up to the otherworldly expectations that are now upon him, especially now that he's got his mind on his money and his money on his mind. Plus, Manning will finally lose his Tiger Blood and start to decline. It has to happen someday, right?
Why the Chiefs will go 0-2
The Broncos averaged 9,000 points a game last year. The Chiefs gave up 10,000 points a game down the stretch. That right there is some terrible, terrible math. Also, there's at least a 50 percent chance that John Elway is actually the Devil. Also, DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller going against a very, very young offensive line, along with a brutally good receiving group against a secondary that had, um, issues to end the season.
Week 3: At Miami Dolphins
Why the Chiefs will go 3-0
Because KC Wolf is a wolf, and wolves eat fish. It's science. Also, I have a feeling Tamba Hali is looking forward to adding Branden Albert to the list of LTs he's victimized. You know, in a non-practice setting.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-3
Because dolphins are actually mammals, not fish. And wolves are afraid of mammals. It's science.
Week 4: New England Patriots
Why the Chiefs will go 4-0
Were the Patriots REALLY that good last year? I mean, they made it way further than the Chiefs did in the playoffs, but if I were to judge teams based on that every team the last 20 years would be better than the Chiefs. Let's not pull at that thread, though, and just say that Arrowhead on Monday Night Football is not going to be a friendly place for the Patriots. I'm genuinely curious if Vince Wilfork hasn't begun to slip, which means Jamaal Charles probably knows for sure he has.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-4
Because if Elway isn't the devil, Tom Brady almost certainly is. The Chiefs defense's track record against elite QBs last year was ... spotty. Yeah, that's the word. Spotty.
Week 5: At San Francisco 49ers
Why the Chiefs will go 5-0
Alex Smith seems like a really, really nice guy. He deserves this. Would there be ANY victory sweeter for Smith than one where he chucked 4 touchdowns to beat the coach who passed over him? This will very likely go one of two ways, and if it goes Smith's way he'll lead a victory and get his revenge. C'mon, Lord, prove to me that good things DO happen to good people.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-5
Have you LOOKED at the Niners roster? Top to bottom, they're stacked. The way they played the Seahawks (who then proceeded to demolish the Broncos) right to the wire, and many would argue they had that game won until choking it away. This is the game, even more so than the Pats or Broncos (MAN that early schedule is rough), that will show where the Chiefs are at.
Week 6: Bye
I firmly believe the Chiefs will manage to fight off the bye and remain 5-0. I have faith.
Week 7: At San Diego Chargers
Why the Chiefs will go 6-0
The only reason the Chiefs lost to the Chargers last season was Tamba Hali and Justin Houston going down. Prior to that the Chiefs were THROTTLING them. Then the backups proceeded to win the second game, with the Chargers needing two of the worst calls of the season to get the "W" on paper. The starters will be extra motivated to get the win they know the scrubs earned.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-6
Keenan Allen and Phil Rivers. Feel free to watch them basically victimize the Chiefs secondary on live television in that first game.
Week 8: St. Louis Rams
Why the Chiefs will go 7-0
Sam Bradford is Sam Bradford. He makes Alex Smith look like Joe Flacco. They just aren't going to put together a good offense. It can't happen. And all those pass rushers don't mean much if Jamaal Charles is running for 180 yards and three touchdowns.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-7
That defensive line is scary, scary, scary. And I have this really sinking feeling they'll draft Aaron Donald and set a league record with 115 sacks this next season. Watch for that. It could actually happen.
Week 9: New York Jets
Why the Chiefs will go 8-0
As I was writing this sentence, Geno Smith threw four interceptions and Mike Vick got hurt again. Rex Ryan can make a competent defense out of any group, but this is just not that good a team.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-8
Have you watched Sheldon Richardson? Hey, remember that time the Chiefs could have drafted him and played him next to Dontari Poe? Good times.
Week 10: At Buffalo Bills
Why the Chiefs will go 9-0
Buffalo is a team that looks good on paper. But no matter where you go in life or what you do, Buffalo will always be Buffalo. Their fans were created to be miserable. That's not going to change. Plus, E.J. Manuel has a bit of "being overrated due to small sample size" going on.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-9
Because Buffalo is that one guy at work you hate but keep getting put on committees with, and he somehow ALWAYS manages to make you look bad. That's what Buffalo does to the Chiefs. It's a tradition at this point that started with Joe Montana's blank stare on the sideline in the AFC Championship game.
Week 11: Seattle Seahawks
Why the Chiefs will go 10-0
The 'Hawks are a very good team, but they're being slightly overrated after totally stomping on the Broncos (pauses to re-watch the Super Bowl and giggle). Yes, they're an exceptional group, but they're also a group that people were writing off due to a lack of offensive firepower last season. Yes, they blew out the Broncos, but they also barely squeaked out wins against multiple inferior teams. Denver's offense was tailor-made for Seattle's defense the way Rocky at the start of Rocky III was tailor-made for Clubber Lang. We don't rely on finesse and timing in our offense, and like every other team of that nature, Seattle will struggle more with us than they do with that cutesy Madden offense in Denver.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-10
C'mon. That's just a really, really, really good team. And I have a feeling Russell Wilson hasn't even come close to his ceiling as a player.
Week 12: At Oakland Raiders
Why the Chiefs will go 11-0
We've had the Raiders number in Oakland for years, but now they sport a defensive line featuring LaMarr Woodley, Justin Tuck, and Antonio Smith. That means Alex Smith is in trouble ... provided Oakland has perfected that youth serum and puts all those guys back in 2010 or so. Barring that? They'll overcompensate for the way the Chiefs screens killed them last year by laying back and Smith will have all day to pick them apart. Maybe The Artist Formerly Known As Matt Schaub can win a shootout, but I'm not seeing it.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-11
There's an off-chance all those pass rushers listed above actually play well and recover a bit of their spark. AND that Matt Schaub recovers enough of his confidence to play QB at a competent level. It could happen. Plus, division game against Oakland? Never take it for granted.
Week 13: Denver Broncos
Why the Chiefs will go 12-0
Since the Chiefs are 11-0 already, can you even IMAGINE what Arrowhead is going to be like on a primetime game against their most hated rival? It's going to be the Roman Coliseum out there (sorry Eric Winston). There's a 50 / 50 chance Manning is knocked unconscious by sound alone. People will go deaf and one day brag to their children that the last sound they heard was Arrowhead at 220 decibels (come at me sound nerds).
Why the Chiefs will go 0-12
I think we already covered that Manning is evil, right?
Week 14: At Arizona Cardinals
Why the Chiefs will go 13-0
At some point last year, Carson Palmer was replaced with a non-wheeled jugs machine shaped like Carson Palmer. No one noticed, except to marvel that Palmer's mobility had really picked up. Also, that offensive line makes sieves angry when they're compared to it, since they at least stop SOMETHING from getting through.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-13
That defense is pretty scary (like every other defense in the NFC West). Also, I wouldn't put it past Darnell Dockett to pull out a paintball gun and start shooting Alex Smith in the eyes pre-snap.
Week 15: Oakland Raiders
Why the Chiefs will go 14-0
See the Denver game above. Arrowhead will be stupid-loud at this point. Oakland just isn't that good. Remember 3rd-and-48? Do you? Hey, at least Schaub is known for performing well under pressure and ... oh.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-14
Because once, when I was in high school, I stole a girl from one of my buddies and completely violated the Bro Code. That's bound to catch up to me at some point. I feel like this day is when it could happen.
Week 16: At Pittsburgh Steelers
Why the Chiefs will go 15-0
The Chiefs will have something to prove against Todd Haley, despite the fact that he's been gone for years. Also, the Steelers offense is run by Todd Haley, so we've got that going for us. Big Ben can only carry that team for so long, and their time to be mediocre has finally arrived.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-15
Big Ben leads the league in "How in the name of all things holy did he not get sacked on that 30-yard throw????" It's a gift, and if he's still on his feet at this point in the year there could be trouble.
Week 17: San Diego Chargers
Why the Chiefs will go 16-0
Because this year, the starters will DEMAND to play the last game. And even if they don't, the scrubs already proved they can whale on the Chargers. And this time, there won't be refs that can't count or think that getting a first down stops the play to bail them out.
Why the Chiefs will go 0-16
Because at this point, it would feel like destiny. Of COURSE the Chiefs need to become the "other" team that went 0-16. Because doing it first would at least mean living in infamy. We can't even win at losing.
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