Sadly, last year did not work out as we had planned. With the Super Bowl still fresh in our memories, and Ray Lewis on his way to the sunset (or probably off to give some speech), the Ravens failed to live up to the annual expectations of being world champions.
What this "mock draft" doesn't show is the countless employees I've terminated to help send a message. If you aren't going to perform, I won't get rid of you. Instead, I'll get rid of all your friends. That guy that runs out during a timeout and squirts some water in your mouth? Gone. The guy who cleans your jersey and babysits your kids on the weekends? You guessed right - that guy has now joined the same guy who dropped the bottle of bleach in the Chiefs laundry for the last three Octobers ... unemployed. And what about that big guy that hung out with Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw in the movie the Blindside - a movie that practically everyone who didn't read the book fell in love with? That guy, my employees, is toast for a ghost.
Which solemnly brings me to my pick for the 2014 NFL Draft ...
Michigan OT Taylor Lewan
Surprise! Really rabid Ravens readers (quad-R's, or more geometrically inappropriate, 4x4s) won't actually read this pick, simply because they are tired of seeing the same pick over and over and over again. They skip straight to the second round, therefore skipping the Lewan pick.
Go over the Baltimore Beatdown and everyone will ask you, "How ya Lewan?" It's getting that bad.
After doing an impressive job handling Jadeveon Clowney at the Outback Bowl, Lewan confirmed his decision to move to the offensive side of the ball in high school, bringing with him every defining characteristics of a Ravens player - tough, nasty, weaknesses that are actually positives (problem with this kid is he hasn't played a lot of tackle, ya know?).
He's well known for his off the field trouble. Thankfully, I truly believe that throwing a lot of cash at a problem will always solve it, so that is exactly what we in Baltimore (edit: Calgary) intend to do with this kid. Get him on board and immediately wash his sins off with Benjamin after Benjamin after Benjamin (and we ain't talking about Kelvin, either).
All funny business (self edit: good business) aside, this pick does make plenty of sense. With Eugene Monroe on the left side, Lewan can plug in perfectly to the right side of the line, helping to improve what was a rather shaky offensive line.
Although Lewan's technique does need improvement, he was succesfully able to disguise himself as Jake Long, and it won't be Long until he shows the improvement that he's capable of either. That combined with being an excellent physical specimen and an improving MRP (Marginal Rate of making Pancakes) both in and out of the kitchen, Taylor Lewan can help improve the Ravens offense on day one, and possibly save me from having to fire some more under-the-radar employees.
- Houston Texans (kuchiefs13) - South Carolina DE / LB Jadeveon Clowney
- St. Louis Rams (chiefsman7588) - Auburn OT Greg Robinson
- Jacksonville Jaguars (Steve The Hedge) - Louisville QB Teddy Bridgewater
- Cleveland Browns (NigerianNightmare) - Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel
- Oakland Raiders (seein'red) - Clemson WR Sammy Watkins
- Atlanta Falcons (chiefstruelove) - Texas A&M WR Mike Evans
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers (kswanson) - North Carolina TE Eric Ebron
- Minnesota Vikings (kcsno56) - Buffalo OLB Khalil Mack
- Buffalo Bills (Aesthist) - Central Florida QB Blake Bortles
- Detroit Lions (BuckTheFroncos) - Oklahoma State CB Justin Gilbert
- Tennessee Titans (mrchiefs101) - Alabama S Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
- New York Giants (Akr_baby) - Pittsburgh DT Aaron Donald
- St. Louis Rams (chiefsman7588) - Louisville S Calvin Pryor
- Chicago Bears (Ben Mitchum) - Michigan State CB Darqueze Dennard
- Pittsburgh Steelers (SacramentoDrew) - Texas A&M LT Jake Matthews
- Dallas Cowboys (LocoGonzo) - Florida State DT Timmy Jernigan
- Baltimore Ravens (Ben S) - Michigan OT Taylor Lewan
- New York Jets (Kdub64)
- Miami Dolphins (SayHeyWerd)
- Arizona Cardinals (Koopaztown)
- Green Bay Packers (kaiser1118)
- Philadelphia Eagles (Matt in KC)
- Kansas City Chiefs (R2J)
- Cincinnati Bengals (Robert Mayes)
- San Diego Chargers (TheDudeAbides007)
- Cleveland Browns (NigerianNightmare)
- New Orleans Saints (BeeRadd)
- Carolina Panthers (citadelchief)
- New England Patriots (death2norm)
- San Francisco 49ers (Smitty713)
- Denver Broncos (craig in calgary)
- Seattle Seahawks (misterbrain)