FanPost

RED FRIDAY: BYE WEEK FUELED BOLT BEATDOWN!

Ryan Matthews walked into a bar. It sprained his MCL. And pulled his hamstring. And gave him a concussion. And broke his clavicle, strained his calf, twisted his ankle, fractured his hand, tore the ligaments in his other ankle, knocked him unconscious and broke his foot.

BAM!

HELLO BOYS!!! I'M BAAACK!!!!!

hello-boys-o.0.gif

IT'S RED FRIDAY ONCE AGAIN BITCHES! SPORTING KC ARE CHAMPIONS, THE ROYALS ARE WORLD SERIES BOUND, AND THE CHIEFS ARE ABOUT TO KICK HELL OUT OF PHYLLIS RIVERS AND THE DOLTS! WHAT A GREAT TIME FOR KANSAS CITY, BABY!!!

SO LET'S GET FIRED UP! IT'S TIME FOR A TALL COOL GLASS OF FULL TILT, ALL IN, LAST MAN STANDING, CALIFORNIA BASHING, RIVERS TAUNTING, TE'O CATFISHING, HATE FILLED KOOL-AID!! RED KOOL-AID...SERVED IN A TOBY KEITH SOLO CUP ON TOP OF AN ELMO PELT COVERED IN BLOOD ON THE SURFACE OF MARS!!! RED FRIDAY!!!!

WARNING: EXPLICIT FANDOM!

I know they are only voices in my head, but man to do they have some GREAT ideas! Lunatics only!

53bc9d609c274e8be99e90842310c49b.0.jpeg

Red Friday? Okay...maybe Red Friday and a half. I'd like to personally thank the boys at Apple and their NINE HOUR install of OS X Yosemite for that one! NINE HOURS! That's three times longer than it will take our Chiefs to pummel the ever loving shit out of the Dolts and half the time it will take for surgeons to remove Dontari Poe's size 18 from Phyllis River's vaginal cavity.

BAM!

Our boys are now 2 and 3 on the season. And do you know what the HypeMachine calls 2 and 3? PERFECT!!! Exactly where we thought they'd be and on track to round out another AFC West dominated playoffs!!! We are one third of the greatest division in football! The center of the NFL universe! And now it's time to cement our rightful place in the sun!

When the Chiefs kicked hell out of Hoodie and the Ugg, the Pat's eulogies wrote themselves. And this Sunday, when our whirling dervish of berserk Chief warriors finishes their demolition of those powder blue pretenders, the headlines proclaiming their demise will fuel a Dolt funeral pyre that will light up the heavens.

We are going to burn that joke of a city to the ground! But why make fun of their little LA wannabe town when there's so much Phyllis material to work with? Oh never mind, who can resist a quick San Diego rant?

Your city sucks! Your weather sucks! Your potholes suck! Your natural history museum is pink, your zookeepers beat their Pandas, and your Sea World divers manually masterbate killer whales.

Your sports teams are a fucking joke! Your fans are so shitty they chased away the Clippers...THE FUCKING CLIPPERS! You're one of only eight teams to never win a World Series, your ballpark is named after the only store that let's my dog shit in it, you've never won a Super Bowl, and your periwinkle uniforms look like a fuck stained Smurf mattress.

Your greatest claim to fame is not being Mexico and your douchebag quarterback is the lovechild of Sloth and SpongeBob:

philip-rivers-chargers.0.jpg

=

Spongebob-Wallpaper-spongebob-squarepants-33184546-1024-768.0.jpg

+

sloth-goonies-actor-8axq9xgd-e1392502295660.0.jpg

Baby Roooof. Baby Rooooof. Hey Patrick...Phyllis love Chunk!

BAM!!!

Sutton and the Red Death are gonna shut him down like free speech in China--with Justin Houston and Tamba Hali rolling in like tanks through a tea party. Last year, with those two men on the field for 27 minutes, the Chiefs held little Philly and his crew to two 3-and-outs, two first downs, 66 total yards and 3 points. Well, THEY'RE BACK BITCHES! With a vengeance! And with Bailey, Wilkerson, Walker, and Ford in the mix now too, that front seven is gonna eat!

Their o-line has been bashed and bled like they're kneeling at the trough in Terminus! It is time to finish them. I want to see pressure! I want to see sacks! I want to see fear reflected in the eyes of the douche as he braces for impact on every drop back! I wanna see Brandon Oliver ripped in half! I want a secondary so bored they ALL get penalties for going to the ground when they lay down on the field for a relaxing nap!

I want King "My Belly" Dunlap-over-my-britches benched by the second quarter! I want hits and fumbles and picks and picks-six! I want Justin Houston to use the ACL of Antonio "Has Been" Gates to floss little pieces of Ladarius "I'm still fucking" Green out of his teeth! I want a defensive gameplan so brutal they arrest Sutton for WAR CRIMES!

And by the light of the seven I want some fucking special teams! IT IS TIME, MASTER TOUB! CLAIM YOUR THRONE! I want the Brazilian Bambino bombing fifty-yarders with kickoffs that land in San Fernando. I want DAT running back touchdowns on our OWN fucking punts! I want Knile Davis' three little touches to go for 309 yards and 18 points! Let's bleed this game from every orifice and bury those chumps 35 to nothing before the douche even touches a pigskin!!!

And what a douche he is. One squirt of this asshat could wipe away the not-so-fresh feeling from a whole gang-bang of Chargers.

RiversDirtball.0.jpg

Hey fellas, ever seen a douchier douche than this?

tumblr_ljx1deOr6h1qdbhiqo1_500.0.jpg

Damn, boy. That is one douchie douche.

philip-rivers4.0.jpg

What the what? I'm twice the douche of that guy!

rivers-1406135182gkn84.0.jpg

Eh, I dunno. Douche one? Douche two? Douche one? Douche two?

philiprivers3-300x208.0.jpg

Hey, that's bullshit, everyone knows I'm the most douchetastic.

tumblr_l8wkzyHqwA1qdbhiqo1_500.0.jpg

Hehe. I heard they tested his douchocity and he barely scored demi-douche on the douche-meter.

MockingRivers.0.jpg

Hey, that was our super special douche-bro secret!

riverspalm-600x337.0.jpg

I knew it. I'm surrounded by douchebags.

BAM!

This is the man we are supposed to fear? This is an MVP candidate? Oooooo...look at his quarterback rating! WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?! Who has he beat? The Bills, Jags, Jets, and Raiders? That's a strength of schedule that makes the Big Ten look like world beaters.

This man is nothing! He's an epic choke waiting to happen! A pretender ripe for the trap! He doesn't even register as a speed bump on our path to glory! He is worm food and should be swallowed whole and shit out as such!

He must be beaten. He must be broken! His will must be crushed and his bowels wrest from his gizzard! The devastation visited upon him must be so complete that at the end of sixty minutes of hell, he is left muttering only one barely comprehensible phrase. You know the one Phyllis, so take it home buddy:

worst-day-ever.0.gif

THAT. WAS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER.

BAM!!!

Your time is over douche boy!

OUR time has BEGUN!

The dawn of the age of Chiefs is at hand!

So rise up Chiefs nation! Rise up with the fury of a scorned and dismissed franchise!

Rise up and demand a return to past glory!

Fear not your record or your struggles, for WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!

Every journey begins with a single step, and our next step will be stamped down upon the THROATS OF OUR ENEMIES!!

SO LET'S GET PSYCHOTIC!!!

IT'S TIME TO RIP, TEAR, PILLAGE, HACK, SLASH, MAIM, PLUNDER, AND RAZE OUR WAY LIKE A SCOURGE THROUGH THIS DIVISION!!!!

IT'S TIME TO TEACH THESE CALIFORNIA PRETTY BOYS WHAT SMASH MOUTH FOOTBALL REALLY LOOKS LIKE!

END THE PRETENDERS!

IT'S DOLT DASHING TIME!

IT'S FREAKING RED FRIDAY!!

GO CHIEFS!!!

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.