(Caution- Strong language. Not my intent to offend anyone. It's how I talk.)
They say the first step in a twelve step program is the hardest. The simple admission that you are powerless to control your Chiefs fandom. I would really like to know who "they" are. I'll bet a two peckered owl in heat "they" have never, ever.... fucking never ever had their goddamn heart ripped out and shown to them like Chiefs fans did this last weekend. It was like Kalima in Indiana Jones and the flippn' Temple of Doom. How in the name of Gods green earth and all that is holy do you give up a 28 point lead? How? Just fucking how?That game was in the fucking bag with a big red bow tied on top. Just make a tackle. Tackle anybody. Hell take a fucking penalty. Horse collar, face mask, anything, park three guys on the goal line and make them run three plays to get in. Just for the love of God make it stop!!
But I guess I have to admit it. I have no control over my Chiefs fandom. Because if I did I would be gone right now. I have been watching this playoff shit show for so long that I basically have come to accept the fact that as a Chiefs fan I must turn over my desire for control to a higher power. I have been strong willed in thinking that I am somehow special as a Chiefs fan and deserve more than the average fan. Wait. What? The average fan doesn't have to suck on a 28 point bag of dicks for an entire offseason. If only if only Chiefs fans got what average fans do. How about a playoff game that doesn't end in complete humiliation and destruction of my psyche. Cocksuckers.
But this desire for control. I must surrender my desire for control and an outcome that is beyond my control. I must have faith and turn over my personal desire for a Chiefs playoff victory and Superbowl to a higher power. I'm just not quite sure how to do that yet when JESUS IS LAUGHING AT ME!. HE IS SITTING THERE POINTING AND LAUGHING. "LOOK AT THAT DUMB BASTARD AGAIN.' Says Jesus. "HOLY SHIT THIS NEVER GETS OLD." ROFLMAO!!!
But it's a process. It's not an event. I can't just say "OK. I'm healed. The higher power is going to fix all this." Surely there is a plan in place for me and other Chiefs fans like me. The ones who drink all the koolaid and wake up in a pool of their own filth. Serenity now. Serenity now.
But I haven't walked away. Hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm in this shit for the long haul. Till death. Till fucking death. Over time this will provide me with opportunities for personal growth that I can't begin to comprehend. A path for personal and spiritual growth that will lead me to Superbowl Nirvana. But I swear to God right now. If the Chiefs ever lose a playoff game like this again, I will be in a bell tower 'cause somebody gonna have to pay the piper.
So here I am. A gosh darn Chiefs fan. I can't help myself. FML. No gaurantees.
So I am asking the higher football powers. You know. Hunt. Dorsey. Reid. Please please please. Get us a fucking safety. And a secondary coach. And a defensive coordinator. With an IQ higher than a bowl of chowder. Some guys or hell even gals that don't fold like a K Mart tent when the pressure is on. Because let me tell you something. What that secondary put on the field last Saturday looked exactly like what is in my adult undergarment after lying prone on the goddamn living room floor for the last three days. To say that it wasn't pretty is well....what understatement is to hyperbole as Kendrick Lewis is to tackling.
But thank you Mr Hunt and Mr Dorsey and Mr Reid for Alex Smith. I know you tried your best with that hire. He was all of awesome and a little more. Hope he is in a Chiefs uniform for the next five years. Also he seems to not be a douche bag like Manning and Rivers. That's a plus.
And I know I was wrong about our defense. I really thought they where the real deal. I understand now it was a mirage. Wishful thinking. The over consumption of koolaide combined with a near ten year fast from quality football. I got confused. I mean good defenses don't necessarily win football games but shitty ones sure as hell lose them. But that's water under the bridge right? I mean my mother always told me you can't look up a dead horses ass. Bygones be bygones. I forgive you.
Just please get rid of Kendrick Lewis. That's all that I ask and I promise I will never ask you for anything else again. Until next year. And please lift the curse. We need the curse lifted so we can make a run at the Super Bowl next year. Not that I'm asking for something you can't deliver. Just you know, let us control our own destiny. If that's ok with you?
And the draft. Please don't let us fuck up the draft.