FanPost

Week 1 Preview - Jacksonville: The Shortest Mile

The NFL season is a marathon. Twenty-six punishing miles spread over 17 weeks, meaning each week is worth like.

Probably five or six miles.

Minus the bye week, which there are still practices going on so maybe that only counts as a half of a typical game-week value, adjusting the equation to something like 26 miles divided by a more realistic 16.5ish weeks. Then potentially factoring in post-season play, assuming a wild card berth, and you're looking at I'd say maybe like 10 miles worth of figurative marathoning per week +/-.

The point is it's a grind (like a marathon is also, qualitatively), testing the human limits of will and endurance and fortitude of all parties involved, especially Jets fans. The first stop on this mixed metaphorical marathon train is literally the Jacksonville Jaguars (not literally Jaguars (author's prediction -Ed.)).

This team is flat out pathetic. Last season they lost 14 of their 16.5 games, which was the worst record in the National Football League and probably also in the world. They were so bad they had to coin-flip for the first pick in the draft, which they also lost. Then, despite being in desperate need of a quality, long-term solution at quarterback and in traditionally prime draft position to acquire a candidate, the proverbial morning's catch that year was not exactly fresh, so the sorry jerks had to settle for a consensus "safe pick" and drafted instead of a brand new QB someone who not only never lays finger one on ball (best case scenario) but likely also is hauling around an oversized pituitary gland at the top of that diametrically lavish neck of his.

Bitches.

--------

Scouting Report:

Offense:
Exhibit 1) A human bowling ball
Exhibit 2) Who cares

Defense:
Pointless

Special Teams:
Punter: likely receives IV drip by 3rd Q
Touchback catcher: Keenan McCardell? I don't really know. Sources vague. Probably someone will come out on the field specifically to do this though.

Keys to Success:

JAX – If the not literal Jaguars' starting warm body hike-taker/MJD-ball-hand-offer Blaine Gabbert. manages to complete 50% of his drop-backs, he could theoretically give the Kansas City defensive backs cause for concern maybe removing one of their earbud things.

KC – A) Get to airport with plenty of time for check-in, security, maybe picking-up last minute snack/magazine, hopefully foregoing any boxes of to-go burritos con queso this time (TORIBIO)
B) Bring all uniforms/shoes/pads/stuff/other stuff
C) Make sure everybody is on the plane
C a) Like not in Home Alone but the opposite, so someone's job is to make sure everyone's in the van or whatever and not stuck at home doing hijinks (TORIBIO)

Bottom line:
If Kansas City loses this game, the fanbase (we) will be up to its (our) necks in sky*. If Kansas City wins, the metro area streets will be filled with a cascade of cracks and high-pitched whistles emitted by the audible unclenching of one million sphincters, +/-. There also might be a lot of suction-cup noises mixed into that as well. Possibly this even happens in Fairway.

Dear Team,
This is the shortest mile of the marathon. Please God don't let them blow it.
Sincerely,
Everybody

P.S. Remember we're watching you. This will be on TV, and lots of people will be able to see it.


*as in the falling variety

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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