As expected, a dominant win in the first game leads to mathematically UNpossible expectations. As resident drunk, rather, kool-aid drunk, I fully expect this team to go 28-0 and this year. Yes, I saw Peyton Manning throw 7 touchdowns. I still fully anticipate winning 9 more games than we play this season. That's how bad we beat the Jags. Might I remind you, the Jags picked 2 times lower than us in the draft last year, mostly. That means...if we had picked 16th, they would have won the Super Bowl. They aren't exactly slouches, mostly.
Now that I've alerted you of my current mindset, I thought it would be a good time to offer a set of fight club-esque rules on jumping on the bandwagon without completely offending the die hards. Actually, me. I'm worried about you offending me. I'm a bit of a misanthrope and especially don't like when people do a 180 on their interest/fandom/beliefs.
As always, this is pretty tongue in cheek. Don't give me the "who are you to judge?" comments. I am Uncle Phil. I am Harry Stone. I am Reinhold. I am...showing my age.
1) If you're new to football, don't act like you are not
This seems self-explanatory, but just in case...
If you don't check football news 365 days a year, know nearly every player in the league, know what a down is, etc., that's fine. Just don't act like you do. I don't know as much about the intricacies of defense as, say, a KaloPhoenix, but I have no problem admitting that. My biggest qualm with this sort of bandwagon jumper shows up after a couple losses when, if they're still around, they get hypercritical in ways that make no sense. They're also quick to throw stones when they catch wind of die hard fans supporting a losing team.
If you only like the chiefs/football because it's the "in" thing, that's fine...dress up, play the part, ASK QUESTIONS. Just don't act like it's a way of life until it is.
These fans are the type to love the team until they lose more than 2 games. They will then lose interest. That, too, is fine. Don't expect to be taken seriously by us.
Approved dialogue: "Did you see the game Sunday? Man, I'm not a big football fan, but BOY...we sure beat up that cat team with the weird helmets"
"I don't know much about football, but I think we're gonna be the team that plays in between the Super Bowl commercials in the winter"
No-No: "I'm glad we won, but Andy Reid should have used his challenge flag at the end of the game."
2) Do not go overboard, Goldie Hawn
I'm all for people cliff diving into fandom. Buy every jersey. Yell. Cry. Bleed.
However, you need to act like you've been there, by acting like you haven't been there.
What I mean is this: If you are new to Chiefs Nation, welcome. Go batshit. I just implore that you don't talk about your struggles. I'm 31. Derrick Thomas:me::Len Dawson:older than mes. I don't know the highs of a super bowl. I only know what a wide kick against the Colts feels like. I only know how it feels to lose a game to......the Colts with no punts. I only know about the Gunther/Romeo down seasons, and that Marty Schottenheimer should be on Mt. Rushmore.
I know of a time before, but I'm not going to act like I suffered through the 70s and 80s because, well, I didn't. I know my team's history, but I don't claim the highs or lows because, as a fan, it's bad enough to have a visceral reaction to things you've merely witnessed. I don't need to pretend I was on the Titanic to know that it sucks to drown.
Approved: "After that game that Chase Daniel started, I really see the difference between Daniel and Smith"
No-No: "Tyler Bray? More like....Tyler Palko."
"Succop's missed kick made me sicker than when I read about the 1993 playoffs on wikipedia!" (actually, that's admitting your previous ignorance...I'm iffy on my own made up examples)
3) Don't refer to players by their first names (Especially the QB)
Their last name is on their jersey for a reason. You don't yet know these people. Leave that for the people who really know them like their moms and...us.
Approved: "Houston is such a beast he is going to make them bring back those weird Halloween alter-ego things from the 90s"
"#69 isn't playing tonight. He has a groin."
No-No: "Alex really looked good out there. I missed the game, but he looks JUST ENOUGH like Ryan Gosling for me to have something in my spank bank" (again...might be ok. I can't spit at love)
"If Alex could keep his head on straight, we wouldn't have lost this game. This team sucks"
"If Alex could keep his head on straight, we could see his eyes which...would be wonderful."
side note from a true fan: About 30 times a game, I say "Quarterback Gosling" to the tune of the 21 Jump Street theme. I'm not saying you have to do this, but...I don't know why you wouldn't.
4) Welcome to Arrowhead Pride
(click above for a dance party)
I have been bashed in the past for broaching this topic, but...
If you're going to post a fanpost, think it through. I don't care whether or not you're a decent writer. I don't care if I agree with you. I care that you put time into it. If you're incapable of stringing a paragraph together or find yourself typing words to reach the minimum, it doesn't need to be a post. Go comment on someone else's post. Start an argument. Prove your point. Have fun. You don't HAVE to put in a quarter if you only have 2 cents. Also, use FanShots, kids.
I say this a million words into a Seinfeld post about nothing. I just want to offer some variety in a seriously wacky time around here. And to shatter a glass house.
Approved: Anything that has some thought.
No-No: Posting a similar post to the last three posted because your opinion is too important to be a part of the comment sections that actually drive this site.
Posting an obvious statement and reiterating it until you reach the minimum word count.
Posting 17 of your own Mock Drafts in the offseason.
Fanshots of your penis (trust me...they get taken down quickly)
5) Get Drunk and/or Party
My name is RelaxingPoo, and I like to party.
If you don't know what's going on, drink. If this Chiefs team has an arrow pointing up, and you don't want to miss out on the social gatherings that follow. Just get messed up and have a blast.
Science has proven that yelling is at least 300% more fun whilst inebriated. Science has also proven that if you are uncomfortable in a situation like, say, not understanding the game as well as some blowhard at the football party, drinking will make you more comfortable. For bonus points, get drunk and belittle the blowhard.
Don't drive. Especially if you go to the games.
It must be noted, that, although I'm not saying Chiefs players, especially those new to the team, cannot follow my advice, I do recommend them skipping this step during the season. For every fun/woman loving Derrick Thomas/Jared Allen who can produce under any circumstances, there are a million Larry Johnsons/Tamarick Vanovers/Bam Morrisses/Jovan Belchers/VON MILLERS(?) that just piss their lives away. Looking at you TyBray. Stay away from the god damned jet skis.
6) STAY OFF MY LAWN!!!
Basically, I'm a hypocritical curmudgeon. I spend most of my life wanting Kansas City to really, REALLY embrace their teams, and then, when it happens, it makes me miserable. I thought I wanted a packed Kaufman until I realized that it just makes it harder to get to the bathroom when games are solely a social gathering.
All I'm asking, I guess, is if you decide to jump on the chiefs bandwagon, really jump on. Become a fan. In good times. And bad times. Be on their side forever more. That's what fans are for. If you're going to be hypercritical, be like saints or aiken, do it because you expect more from something you love.
My real problem with the Chiefs and their budding popularity is the fact that, like Kaiser Soze, the new fans will be gone like poof.
Let's build an ark and hole ourselves up for years and years of fandom. We have a fun team. We have a great coaching staff. We have an owner who is trying his damndest to win at a sport he's learning more about everyday. A city that supports its team is harder to let down.
Let's do this, kids. As always...golden girls theme.