This is probably the most brutally honest post I will ever manifest on the internet. Not only the most brutally honest but the most emotionally charged piece constructed as well. I've frequented this blog for years, dating back to the beloved Priest Holmes and Trent Green era. It's hard to believe I was barely in high school during that time and now, at the ripe age of 24, it feels as if that period occurred during a different lifetime. There is red and gold blood coursing through these veins of mine. Always has been since I was running around in diapers. My mother used to tell me how, at the age of two, I'd watch a Chiefs game and attempt to emulate the players, wrapping my fragile body around my father's leg in a futile effort to drag him to the ground. I reminisce upon those times with a heavy heart, knowing they are gone forever, realizing I've lost practically everything.
Fellows, this Chiefs fan has fallen on extremely hard times. I have called Kansas my home for all but two years of my life, and I couldn't ever dream of leaving. But living here has also been a curse. My entire family has abandoned me. I'm homeless and living in my car, have been since February. I have developed a severe medical issue due to being cramped in my car at night. No homeless shelter will allow me a place to stay (explained a bit later). My place of employment decided it was somehow best to separate me from the company. I have only one best friend, but she has a job and family to take care of--it's rare I get to see her at all. Armed with $200 a month for food, some clothes, and an eight-year-old laptop, I constantly search for that seemingly unattainable light at the end of the tunnel. Now, many of you may wonder what could cause my family, friends, and job to push me out the nearest exit. It wasn't because of drugs or alcohol. It wasn't because I have a bad attitude. It's because that baby I alluded to earlier, that baby who everyone considered a mere tomboy, was born with a conflicting gender imprint. I am a transgender male who has successfully transitioned into a body I feel I was meant to have shortly after conception.
I'm not expecting everyone to understand; that isn't the point of this post. Though my situation is enough to bring any grown man to his knees, I refuse to bow down without a fight. As silly as this sounds, I look forward to football season and college basketball season (sorry, KU football, but you inspire such a minute amount of hope) to take my mind off this gnawing pain. I have cultivated this impenetrable facade, passing myself off as this cheerfully optimistic individual so as to hide the chinks in my armor. It comes quite naturally to me, really. Pretending I'm okay when I'm not--I lived that way most of my life and became a master of deception. I'm growing tired of lying, mainly to myself. I'm learning to live around this gaping hole in my heart left by everyone's absence in my life. I know when the Chiefs take the field tomorrow night, I'll probably hide my face and shed a few tears. Not simply because it marks the return of football but because I finally have something to look forward to. The Chiefs and Jayhawks are my beacons of light in a world which has suddenly grown dim. I know this must sound absolutely insane, but when you have practically nothing even the smallest things matter. I promise, no matter how things turn out this season, I will continue to root for the Chiefs and Hawks with the same vigor, the same insatiable passion I've always possessed for them. I will never give up on my teams. I will never give up. Period.