An ode to Dave Toub, Kansas City Chiefs special teams coach

USA TODAY Sports

KC Chiefs special teams coach Dave Toub is better than you. Or you. And everyone else, too.

Dave Toub knows more about crafting an elite special teams unit than you, me, and every other special teams coach in the NFL put together.

Dave Toub could make an All-Pro returner out of Stephen Hawking.

Dave Toub could turn Steve Breaston into the greatest special teams blocker that ever lived.

Dave Toub could convince Deion Sanders to un-retire just to be a gunner for the punt unit... and teach him how to tackle.

Dave Toub is going to make Knile Davis a superstar.

Dave Toub +Travis Kelce = teams forfeiting due to no one being willing to cover kicks.

Dave Toub made Devin Hester famous, not the other way around.

Dave Toub should coach America's team in the Olympics.  For every single sport.

Dave Toub makes me HAPPY when returners elect to bring the ball out of the end zone from nine yards deep.

Dave Toub has, at some point, been asked to serve as a covert operative overseas.  He did so with aplomb, saving the world several times and being all humble and stuff about it.

Dave Toub will actually tell you what he thinks about a player.  This might be the most incredible fact about Dave Toub.

Dave Toub should not be allowed to be a head coach.  Because honestly, would that even be fair?

Dave Toub once came across 11 tough young guys beating the crap out of an older gentleman. After defeating all 11 of those young toughs in hand to hand combat, Dave Toub then turned them into a crack special teams unit.  Within a week.

Dave Toub is the reason the Raiders and Chargers called John Dorsey last night and forfeited the game in order to save their special team units the humiliation of facing a special teams unit coached by Dave Toub.

Dave Toub makes it OK for me to use the word "unit" multiple times in a column and not feel weird about it.

Dave Toub is cooler than Dustin Colquitt. OK, I take that back. No one is cooler than Dustin Colquitt. But Dave Toub is, like, right there.

Dave Toub makes me actually wonder if we wouldn't be better off having Jamaal Charles return kicks and punts.  The ceiling on that combination is roughly 40 touchdowns in a season.

Dave Toub is the reason teams are going to be penalized for kicking the ball out of bounds on kickoffs against the Chiefs at least half a dozen times this year.

Dave Toub does not care how mediocre the Chiefs special teams play was last year.

Dave Toub is here to coach elite special teams units and chew bubble gum.  And he's all out of bubble gum.

Dave Toub is a machine sent back in time from the distant future, where the NFL has been turned into a flag football league.  Because he has been forced to learn how to prevent opposing teams from even grabbing a returner's flag,

Dave Toub has developed a blocking system so advanced that opposing players aren't able to get within four yards of returners.  Either that, or...

Dave Toub has the Chiefs special teams units carrying tasers underneath their uniforms.  These are the only two explanations for how the special teams blocking went from some of the worst I've ever seen to absolutely lights out.

Dave Toub knows that him being the coach of the Chiefs' special teams is unfair to every other team in the NFL.

Dave Toub does not care.

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