Off Season thread. Let the robots decide!

Stolen from this Reddit thread. Let's play the Random Rankings game!

  • I've listed every team in order from worst to first. Each team has a number correlating to where they finished in final power rankings. See below.
1 Chiefs 9 Jets 17 Cowboys 25 Packers
2 Jaguars 10 Bills 18 Steelers 26 Seahawks
3 Eagles 11 Buccaneers 19 Giants 27 Texans
4 Raiders 12 Chargers 20 Bears 28 Broncos
5 Lions 13 Saints 21 Bengals 29 Patriots
6 Browns 14 Dolphins 22 Redskins 30 Falcons
7 Cardinals 15 Panthers 23 Vikings 31 49ers
8 Titans 16 Rams 24 Colts 32 Ravens

  • Second step. Hit this link and it will give you a random sequence of numbers. Each number represents a team as explained above. The first team had the worst record in 2013-2014. The last team is your 2014 Superbowl Championship winner.
  • Make a case for each team's 2014 season and where they finished in your final standings.

Here's mine.
(1) 29. New England Patriots
Vince Wilfork and Tom Brady have a head on cart accident while Golfing and tear their ACL's. Making matters worse, Bill Bellichik was Brady's caddy and unfortunately suffered irreparable brain damage. Having lost his mind Bill Bellichik, In a mostly incoherent rant suggests Josh McDaniels be promoted to take his place.
Robert Kraft, never questioning the mighty hood, turns the franchise over to Josh McDaniels who immediately trades Rob Gronkowski, Stevan Ridley, and the Patriots 2013 draft class to the Toronto Argonauts in exchange for the newly signed Tim Tebow.
Everything turns out exactly as expected as the Patriots finish 2-14, their only wins come against the BIlls and Jets.

(2) 9. New York Jets
Mark Sanchez is bad, Geno Smith is bad, and David Garrard is bad. The Jets are the Jets.

(3) 25. Green Bay Packers
In week one the Cardinals lead with a trick play which sees Clay Matthews somehow end up in a jug of Gatorade on the Packers sideline. In a fit of steroid fueled rage Matthews rips the limbs off of the nearest person, who just so happens to be Aaron Rogers. Devastated Mike McCarthy leaves coaching forever and Clay Matthews is suspended indefinitely while the league investigates the "situation."

(4) 13. New Orleans Saints
(This could actually make sense in reverse)
Drew Brees' skills start to deteriorate at a Phillip Rivers like pace, having no defense to speak of things go bad quickly. New Orleans fans collectively weep as they watch Chase Daniel annihilate their sorry defense in the same game that sees Drew Brees throwing 6 picks to the Chiefs defense.

(5) 10. Buffalo Bills
E.J Manuel shows why everyone thought he was a huge reach in the first. Doug Marrone is in over his head, and to top it off Stevie Johnson blows up the locker room over frustrations with perennially losing. Literally straps dynamite to the locker rooms and blows it up. Why so serious?

(6) 26. Seattle Seahawks
Russel Wilson has a sophomore slump of epic proportions. The Defense crumbles, having so many superstar talents new DC Dan Quin unable to balance it all and it implodes on itself. Still, their talent affords them a few victories.

(7) 6. Cleveland Browns
It's all about that steady progress for the Browns. Working with Norv Turner, Brandon Weeden starts to look like a competent starter toward the end of the year which sees a bad season end with 3 straight victories against the Jets, Steelers, and Bears. oh my.

(8) 27. Houston Texans
The season starts out bad for the Texans dropping 3 straight. Kubiak, not wanting to be back on the hot seat, throws T.J Yates in at QB in an act of desperation. While Yates manages a few victories, things still continue to spiral. When Kubiak tries to go back to Schaub he estranges both QB's, forcing the Texans organization to fire him mid season. Wade Phillips finishes the debacle.

(9) 12. San Diego Chargers
The media storm surrounding Manti Te'o is too much for first time Head Coach Mike McCoy and first time GM Tom Telseco. Rivers continues to regress, although he's still good for a few unexpected win. It becomes clearer that the Chargers need to blow it up and start over after finishing dead last in the AFC West.
Unfortunate they end up in a position to barely miss out on all of the top flight draft prospects

(10) 21. Cincinnati Bengals
Bengals take a huge step back. AJ Green goes down early with injury and the rest of the offense falls apart. NFL fans quickly discover that Andy Dalton isn't starter material as long as he doesn't have one of the best WR's in the NFL to throw to.

(11) 14. Miami Dolphins (AFCE)
The Dolphins become only the second team in NFL history to make the playoffs with a losing reord. Their season is mostly bad however they benefit from being in the worst division in football.
They suffer an early exit from playoffs at the hands of the Raiders as Lamaar Houston throws Ryan Tannehill around like a rag doll.

(12) 22. Washington Redskins
Robert Griffin III comes back fully healed and the Redskins start out red hot and go 5-7 to start the season. However Robert Griffin III goes down with another injury and is placed on IR. Kirk Cousins comes in and isn't quite what fans thought he was. All playoff hopes are dashed near the end of the season as the NFC East turns in one of the most impressive seasons of any division

(13) 24. Indianapolis Colts
The Colts had an inspiring 2012 season and amiss all of the glory and spectacle laid a fact that everyone was choosing to ignore, like a 17 year old on the night of his graduation. All of his friends are with him celebrating and having a good time, however somewhere tucked in the back of his mind he knows that after tonight, he won't see 90% of the people he called "friend" ever again. But he will ignore this reality, just for tonight.
For the Colts reality is that they beat a very easy schedule and got a lot of things to break their way in very crucial moments. Pagano is unable to mimic the success that Arians had with the team and takes a step back. Andrew Luck has a bit of a sophomore slump after losing Arians as a mentor.
However all things considered things are looking up for the Colts, a third place finish is nothing to be ashamed of for their young roster.

(14) 20. Chicago Bears
Another team taking a step back. Trestman looks like he is in over his head and malcontents like Brandon Marshall start the implosion of the Bears. Unable to replicate the success Lovie Smith had with a less talented team than the one afforded to him, Trestman finds his seat starting to heat up after just one season.

(15) 18. Pittsburgh Steelers
Todd Haley gets Terrance Copper, Steve Breaston, Leonard Pope, and Jerheme Urban back together while secretly filling out all the necessary paperwork to cut Landry Jones and sign Tyler Palko in the middle of the night. Then starts calling controversial 9 step drop plays where a screen is set up 15 yards down field.
Rothliesberger, despite the suspicious play calling has a good season at the halfway mark, at this point Todd Haley gets frustrated and decides to just injure Rothliesberger himself, breaking his leg during halftime against Buffalo.
The whole crowed is baffled to see Tyler Palko trot out on to the field. The camera pans to Todd Haley with a joyous grin and a single tear streaming down his face. They go on to lose every game.

(16) 7. Arizona Cardinals
Bruce Arians proves all those who doubted him as a head coach wrong and shows that the Colts success was in large part because of him. Arians and Palmer do a masterful job of complimenting a solid defense and see huge strides made in their first year with the team. If it wasn't for a surprisingly strong Rams squad, the Cardinals would have had a shot at playoffs.

(17) 31. San Francisco 49ers
Kaepernick gets off to a rusty start. Defensive coordinators break the Read option and the trend dies in 2013. Quarterbacks like Russel Wilson and Colin Kaepernick struggle to adjust to being in the pocket QB's. Toward the end of the season Kaep starts to figure it out but it's too little too later for the 49ers.
Jim Harbaugh and company lick their wounds and look forward to next season.

(18) 23. Minnesota Vikings
Christian Ponder gets off to a horrendous start dropping 6 of the teams first 7 games. He isn't getting much help from Adrian Peterson who doesn't quite look like the same back that he was a year ago, visibly worn down from the weight put on his shoulders a year ago.
Their three first round selections look like long term projects to say the least and what talent they have left on their defense is noticeably eroding with age.
During week 8, Ponder is throwing another stinker, and the Vikings look like they are going to give the Packers their second win of the season. Then, Lezlie Frazier gets desperate, he resorts to the one thing he had hoped he would never have to. "Cassel my son... ARISE!"
Cassel trots on to the field after halftime, as he does, APer- DontHassleTheCassel face covered in tears and pants wet with a smelly mixture of excitement pee and reproductive fluids, starts a slow clap that takes, and turns in to thunderous applause that spreads across the entire state, they all know, they've known all along. It's always been Cassel. Jared Allen removes his Mullet in tribute and Odin himself blesses Cassel's arm to be all that it can be. IN the process the name on the back of his jersey burns into thin air and when the ashes settle and cling on to his jersey it reads "Razzle Dazzle."
Razzle Dazzle goes on to come back from a punishing 3-0 deficit that saw 17 turnovers in the first half. Taking the Vikings offense and Blair Walsh into the 40 8 times en rout to a 24-6 kicker bonanza. Cassel goes on to post a 7-2record as a starter with the Vikings as Blair Walsh destroys the record for most points scored by a kicker in one season.

(19) 3. Philadelphia Eagles
Chip Kelley turns the franchise around in a big way. Mike Vick goes down early and forces the young Matt Barkley in to play. Although he struggles with typical rookie problems, he has a season that reminds everyone why he was once considered the best QB in the draft.
Although they miss playoffs, great strides are taken in Kelley's first year, finding a franchise QB in the third round and taking the league by storm.

(20) 32. Baltimore Ravens (AFCN)
The Super Bowl hangover hits the Ravens early. Joe Flacco gets a little "too comfy" with his big contract and the defense, despite having talent, finds itself in an awkward transition phase without Ed Reed or Ray Lewis that takes too long to get out of.
Despite all of this the Ravens still make the playoffs because a pitiful performance by the once proud AFC North. They take a quick exit.

(21) 30. Atlanta Falcons
In the most disappointing of endings the Falcons post a stellar record only to be excluded from playoffs, missing it by just one game.
The entire city of Atlanta bows it's head in reverent empathy as Matt Ryan apologizes to Tony Gonzales for not being able to take the team to the super bowl on his last ride.

(22) 17. Dallas Cowboys (NFCWC)
The Cowboys squeak in to playoffs by the hair of their chin. Tony Romo finally puts it all together and Montee Kiffin shows everyone that he can still run with the big boys. However the Lions playoff run starts with a merciless beatdown of the cowboys.

(23) 2. Jacksonville Jaguars
Gus Bradley does an admirable job taking the after thought Jaguars on a ride to almost getting in to playoffs.
Blaine Gabbert pays the Jaguars organizations trust back in full as he turns in a 4000 yard season to pair with a top 15 defense coached by one of the greatest defensive minds of the decade. Still despite the dream like turn around, a surprisingly dominant AFC West steals both wildcard spots.

(24) 28. Denver Broncos (AFC-WC)
The Broncos season goes as planned, they come in and win a bunch of games and look good doing it. What nobody expected was how well the Chiefs and Raiders were going to be.
Manning tacks on another NFL MVP award and enters the playoffs as the first wild card team favored to win the super bowl. The Broncos however suffer a second round exit at the hands of the Titans.
Not surprisingly Manning chokes hard in Nashville, giving the Titans their first playoff win since their super bowl run. Bud Adams is seen flipping off Peyton Manning and saying "I told you so you douche."

(25) 16. St. Louis Rams (NFCW)
The Rams shock the world and turn out to be the best of what was thought to be a very strong division.
Sam Bradford has a breakout season in a large way going over 4000 yards and coming close to Peyton Manning's TD total at the end of the season.
Despite losing to what looked like an unstoppable Cam Newton led Panthers squad, St. Louis fans are more than happy to take an early exit from playoffs and laugh at Redskins fans who had to watch all their draft picks lead another team to playoffs.

(26) 8. Tennessee Titans (AFCS)
Jake Locker, Kenny Britt, and Chris Johnson turn it around to form one of the most balanced attacks in the NFL. Although their defense is often left wanting in terms of production the offense carries them through the season to an AFC South crown.
The surprisingly efficient Raiders outscore the Titans in a heart racing shootout in the second round of playoffs.

(27) 5. Detroit Lions (NFCN)
The Lions take advantage of their weak division and jump out to a solid start to the season. Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford lead a deadly passing attack that always scores when it needs to.
A second round exit at the hands of the Buccaneers ends their season.

(28) 15. Carolina Panthers (NFCWC)
The Panthers have a dream season as their killer tandem of DE's is unleashed on teams who can only hope to stop Cam Newton. The Panthers play Colts ball and run up the score then kill the passer. Efficient football.
It looked like Cam Newton had his team super bowl bound until they met a Giants team that simply does not lose in playoffs.

(29) 11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers(NFCS)
Greg Schiano turns in a sterling sophomore campaign as he leads his team all the way to the NFC title game. Josh Freeman isn't all that much to write home about however, Doug Martin solidifies himself as the best back in the NFC. Revis island unleashes the wrath of Gerald McCoy on to NFL offenses, and the entire unit improves because of it.
In a battle of wits and near equal talent. Tom Coughlin takes the young Schiano to school

(30) 4. Oakland Raiders (AFCWC)
Matt Flynn finally gets his chance and absolutely steals the show. To go with that, Darren McFadden turns in his first full season as a Raider and goes for nearly 2000 yards.
Denarius Moore steps up and becomes a top notch #1 WR and the Raider defense executes Dennis Allen's defense to perfection.
Things are looking good for the Raiders heading in to the title game, but they get overwhelmed by the Kansas City Chiefs

(31) 1. Kansas City Chiefs (AFCW)
I promise you I did not rig this
Alex Smith shows enough to force teams to respect the pass, Andy Reid unleashes Jamaal Charles on pitiful 4 man fronts and Charles goes for 2000 yards rushing against the most relaxed run defenses he has seen in his entire career, behind the best line he's ran behind in his entire career.
The defense becomes vicious under Bob Sutton's attacking mentality and leads the league in sacks. The Chiefs suffer very few injuries and the ones they do suffer don't linger for very long. A lot goes right and the Chiefs take the Lamaar Hunt trophy back home along with coach of the year accolades for Andy Reid.
Memorable season for a team and a coach that really needed it.

(32) 19. New York Giants
Eli Manning decides it would be pretty cool to win a Super Bowl for New York in New York so he does. It seems like the Giants have two plans. Miss the playoffs or win the super bowl THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

Well that took a lot longer than expected but it was fun. give me your standings in the comments

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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