Dear Mr. Reid and Mr. Dorsey,
I know that we have not yet met, but I'm hoping that this letter will start the wheels in motion to change that. I love me some Chiefs, so when I heard that the two of you would be joining the organization, I got really excited. I think you are both very skilled at what you do, but I confess, that isn't why I was so pumped up.
I got excited because I knew I never had a chance with Mr. Pioli who was...we will just say "stand-off-ish" with fans.
The first day of the NFL draft is my favorite day of the year. Day 2 of the draft is in my top 5 days of the year. I always have a party at my house in which about ten of us enjoy the draft together, loudly criticizing the Broncos and Raiders at any opportunity.
Gentlemen, I am asking for something that only a few people ever get to experience: I would like for my brother and I to spend the NFL draft in the Chiefs War Room with you and your staff, just to watch the way things go down. Whether it is for only one day, two, or all three, it would be an honor and a pleasure.
Only you men can help make my dream come true. One time to experience the draft in the Chiefs War Room would be a highlight of a lifetime.
I've thought about it, and I understand that you will have reservations on several different fronts. Let me see if I can answer your questions up front:
- Distractions: It would be great if we were allowed to ask questions, but if that would cause a distraction, my brother and I will agree to only speak if spoken to. Our goal is not to distract you and your team. It is to enjoy the draft in the coolest room on Earth for that one special weekend. If you would prefer our utter silence, my brother and I will communicate with each via pencil and paper, which will provide ourselves in totally sweet Trapper Keepers. You can keep said Trapper Keepers and all notes after the draft to ensure complete confidentiality, although most of the notes will read something like, "Al Davis would have drafted that guy in the first round," or "I hope Elway blows this pick," or "YEAH! Chiefs rock! Can you even believe we are sitting here?!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm sure there will be an abundance of excessive exclamation points.
(Image may not accurately reflect choice of Trapper Keeper)
- Confidentiality: Of course, confidentiality is of the highest importance regarding all of your work during the draft. First, we would never break confidentiality, and are willing to sign an NDA to such affect. We will not bring phones with us, and will stay cut off from communication. If an NDA and a removal of all personal communication devices would suffice, then great. You could let us go home at night after meetings in order to sleep in our own houses. But if you need to keep us locked up at the Chiefs facility until the draft is complete, we understand and accept. In such case, we will provide our own sleeping bags, and we can either shower on site, or if we must remain in a locked room away from all communications, we will provide enough lemon-scented wet wipes (they also kill cod and flu viruses), deodorant, and other accoutrements as to ensure a non-offensive odor for you and your staff.
(We've already purchased 240 of them. Do you think that will be enough?)
- Food and drink: I'm sure you bring in your own food and drink for your team, but of course would not expect you to provide for us. We will provide our own food and drink, and will keep such out of the way so as not to make a mess or take up too much space. We would prefer to be allowed to drink beer, but if alcohol is off limits in the War Room, of course, we would abide by your rules. If you would like us to pay for everyone's food and drink during the three day period of time (or whatever time you would allow us to join you), it would be our pleasure. Do you guys like pizza?
(No it's not. But it does taste fantastic.)
- Cost: Entry can't be free. I recognize that. Otherwise everyone in KC would be asking you for this opportunity. I don't know what it would cost, but I'll be honest guys, I don't have a lot. With three kids and my wife going back to school, things are tight. However, I am sure I can do something, or pay it off over time. I have a 2000 Acura TL with 121,000 miles on it. Would that suffice? I will be your on-call caddie, although I don't know anything about golf, so I'm not going to be much help. My brother is a good artist. We could provide you each with your choice of artwork. Just tell me how I can appropriately compensate you as well as Mr. Hunt for such a fantastic opportunity.
This is one of his pieces, for real. Actually, it's yours now.
I'm sure there's something I've forgotten, but believe me, we can and will accommodate your needs in order to make this happen.
I know the likelihood that you read AP is small, but perhaps someone you know will share this letter with you. If you are open to this request, please reply in the comments or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will be watching with bated breath, however, most of the emails I receive are saying they can help with my sexual stamina or invite me to provide my banking information to the Prince of Nigeria.
Sincerely and hopefully,