In front of a green screen, Hap Hazard flails like a firecracker sizzled down to the nub. The monitor shows that behind Hap florid images of Kansas City fountains appear.
Are you a former top prospect that has recently sputtered out? Or maybe you haven’t produced in years? Are you a middle-of-the-road professional athlete past your prime? Well I have a place for you!
The monitor rotates out the picture of fountains and up slides a split photo, on one side is Kauffman Stadium on the other side is Arrowhead Stadium. Hap continues to dance like a flamboyant Godzilla, karate chopping the Jumbotrons on the screen.
Well, I’ve got a place for you! Kan…zuh…City…MOH! Fountains! Bar-B-Que! And what can keep you ordering a Z-Man and fries nightly? OVER COMPENSATION! That’s right athletes, if you have been underperforming for years, don’t worry, Kansas City WILL pay! Maybe you haven’t started in a while, or maybe you got replaced half-way through last season. No need to worry there either, because Kansas City has a starting job for you! East coast or west coast media a problem? Kansas City can help there too! The media here loves to take it easy on their underperforming stars. That’s right, you can remain a star, even if you aren’t!!!
Cut! Francoeur! You’re up!
Jeff Francoeur emerges from the shadows behind the control booth, sneaks up on the director that has swiveled his chair around, and flicks the soft canvas underneath the director’s chair, landing a direct hit on the director’s sagging testicles, a lightning bolt of pain curdles in the director’s stomach. Francoeur then hops up in front of the green screen donning a Royals uniform, a large fake bazooka in hand, with a camouflage bandana snug to his pronounced brow, illuminating bulging eyes. A look this crazy has never been seen before.
That’s right bitches. I play right field for the Kansas City Royals. After leading the Rangers to the World Series, I expected to start for a high profile east coast team, but Hap’s program convinced me that Kansas City was the place to be. It’s like awesomeness insurance. I thought I could perform like Superman, but in Kansas City I don’t have to. I can eat bacon dogs all day long, and hell, I’ve even made it rain on Oakland’s outfield with 100 dolla billz son. I thought I might see less playing time this season, but Dayton explained to me that Kansas City is no place for a top prospect that is ready to perform, they only like athletes after they have failed to live up to expectations. See ya Wil Meyers! Have fun getting under payed in the Tampa heat! Sucka!
Francoeur shoots the large nurf portion of his fake bazooka at the camera and hops off the makeshift stage. A cheap-looking CGI explosion appears on the monitor. The director is still curled like a fetus in pain.
Take 15 for snack break.
Huddled around a large assortment of chocolate, submarine sandwiches, tubs of barbeque, and other indulgences are Steve Bono, Jeremy Guthrie, Luke Hochevar, and Yuniesky Betancourt. Betancourt is pounding biscuits slathered in butter and topped with slimy heapings of fatty brisket, leaving behind a thick barbeque sauce mustache. The director grabs a glass of pre-poured lemonade and shakes his finger at Francoeur across the room as he remounts his director’s stead.
Which one of you washed up maggots is next?
A man appears from the shadows with an overgrown beard, adorned in torn and tattered clothes, smelling of Mickey’s fine malt liquor. He saunters to the platform and begins to speak in a sullen tone and shifty eyes, head downward.
I’m not Joe Montana, but Kansas City made me feel like I was. Heck, they made me feel like I was the real Elvis. I may not have left on the best terms, but I did get payed well. I may have blown it on booze and blackjack, but that doesn’t change how much fun that was. Thank you and sorry KC.
Heartbreak Hotel is pumped into the edit from the control room as Hap Hazard pops back in front of the screen.
You heard it folks. Kansas City is the place to be. If you don’t think so, just listen to these next three guys.
The screen flips to a video feed live from Arizona where Miguel Tejada, Endy Chavez, and Xavier Nady stand in the middle of a baseball diamond, ballplayers stretch in the back ground.
MIGUEL, ENDY, and XAVIER
WE AREN’T WASHED UP! WE ARE ROYALS!
The screen flashes back to Hap who is still excitedly tap dancing, a giant sunflower flapping on his plaid suit.
If that isn’t proof positive enough folks, we have one last guest for you! The current superstar quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs.
Alex Smith rushes to the platform, motioning like Hulk Hogan for crowd noise, hand to the earhole of his shiny new arrowhead emblazoned red helmet, as the editors pipe in fake crowd noise, placing a computer-generated cape on Smith as he appears to be floating among clouds on the screen.
I may have lost my starting job in San Francisco last year, but with the help of Hap, I found Kansas City. I come from a long lineage of 49er quarterbacks shooed out of San Francisco only to find a sacred home in Kansas City. I want to thank the fans in advance for supporting my poor performance. If you think Cassel’s contract was bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet! EXTENSION TIME!
Alex winks at the camera and the monitor fades to black.