In the spirit of trash talking, Battle Red Blog put out a Fan Post making light of Kansas Cities history (or as they have said, the lack there of).
Most of us really enjoyed their trash talking and went over to banter with them about it. We heard red neck remarks, they laughed about our fountains, they laughed about our boulevards, and they even laughed about our football team. I fear that Battle Red Blog has unknowingly awakened a sleeping giant that is ArrowheadPride. Someone should have told them that prodding this passionate fan base would result in the equivalent of 1,000 red assed wasps swarming their site and defending our nest.
Let me tell you something that you probably don’t know, Houston. We are the smartest fan base in football. AP users and everyday commenter’s write more articulate and informative pieces than some of the paid employees of SBNation. Read Jon Bois if you need an example (no, I’m just kidding. I really like Jon Bois). What I’m saying is this. AP is in a league of its own from the other blogs on SBNation. I believe that this is a result of having the best, smartest, and most loyal fan base in the NFL. I mean, who else can sit through a 2-14 season and predict a record of 10-6 before preseason even begins. I’ll tell you who, Chiefs fans. Who else could crown players as pro bowlers or Hall of Famers without ever seeing them play? Chiefs fans can. What other blog on SBNation can have so little humility that we can consistently go to other teams blogs and predict total annihilation week in and week out while we outnumber their own members? Chiefs fans can and we fucking do. A lot. And we’re good at it. I know this because when we are done, the other team’s fans thank us for having a casual conversation with them about why their team sucks. We flood their message boards and quadruple their sites numbers to ravish their women and set fire to their homes. We beat them with rubber hoses and they thank us for sleeping with their daughters.
This week, it just so happened to be you, Houston. A team whose own mascot is the result of the Dallas Cowboys and Kansas City Chiefs love affair. They took their mothers name because daddy left town to find work. Well I have news for you Houston.. Daddy is back. This time we’ve invited you to come to Daddy’s house for a feast. But, we all know what will transpire. You will walk in with your gothic outfit, earrings, and tongue piercing and blame Daddy for the way you turned out. Unfortunately, it will fall on deaf ears as we give you the beating you deserve. The kind of beating that gets your head coach fired and your second quarterback of the year benched. Below I have listed a few bullet points as to why Houston sucks. Don’t worry Houston, it will hurt us more than it hurts you.
The New York Times has called Houston "The Armpit of America." As Chiefs fans, we all believed that to be Oakland. But somehow Houston has overtaken them. This could possibly be due to the pollution, traffic, and excessive amount of homeless people.
After every touchdown they play "Its football time in Houston" by Clay Walker. Who is arguably the worst country music artist of all time. It’s the kind of generic twang that makes blood spurt from your nose and hemorrhoids pop from your rectum.
For God sakes their best basketball player was a 7 foot tall man from China who morphed into a smaller less talented version of himself in Jeremy Lin.
In a 2013 study, Houston was ranked as the fattest city in America. I guess everything IS bigger in Texas. Including the belt buckles that are banded tightly around their wrangler jeans making their legs look like several tubes of sausages piled into a pair of nylon pantyhose. I can only assume that they are also the front runners in categories like most sweat pants per capita and tightest fitting flannel.
In 2012 the Houston Texans won 12 games and made a first round exit in the playoffs at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens. Of the 12 wins that Houston posted that year, only 4 of those victories came from teams with a winning record. Talk about soft. This team has more holes than an LPGA Tour.
- Texas ties.
Some of Houston’s most notable citizens include:
Renee Zellweger- Beautiful eyes.. or at least from what you can see of them.
Chamillionaire- Rap at its finest. We have Eminem. We win. By a lot.
Robert Earl Keen- The people of Houston have turned this man into their very own country king. Nevermind that they had the likes of Clint Black and Beyonce’. This nasally guitar picker writes some fantastic songs, but sucks at singin’ em. Check out "The Front Porch Song," on Youtube if you want to know what Hell is like.
Anna Nicole Smith- The blonde bombshell went into porn, played Tanya Peters in the movie Naked Gun 33 1/3, went back to porn, and then married a rich oil tycoon from Houston. She died as a result of an overdose.
Tila Tequila- Class and elegance. She had a dating show on MTV and acted as personal punching bag for conservative Christians and Shawn Merriman.
Joel Osteen- Im waiting for the Texans to sell their stadium to Joel so that he can put more butts in the seats than their football team does. What does Joel Osteen and Matt Schaub have in common? Both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Finally, my prediction:
Kansas City has the best defense since the 1985 Bears. And arguably through the first 6 games we are better than they were defensively. Add to the mix that we are at home with a deafening crowd of 76,000 fans, playing a rookie QB who has never started an NFL game, and you have a recipe for disaster. It doesn’t matter how poorly our offense plays, they will score at least twice. That alone will be enough to win this game. Truth be told, we caught the Texans at the right time. They have problems on offense, problems on the coaching staff, and they will have problems at Terrorhead. Kansas City wins this one in a beat down 31-10.
Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. Go Chiefs!