"Welcome to the loudest stadium on Earf!"
Yesterday was such a throwback game.
It felt every bit like the 1990's: Deafening crowd, dominating defense, dumb-assing Raiders.
I felt so 1995 that I grew a mustache, put on my Starter jacket, snapped into a Slim Jim, and watched reruns of Boy Meets World the rest of the day.
(Important note: 1. Kelly Kapowski 2. Topanga Lawrence 3. Kelly Bundy)
Hell, I'm even typing up this article on my IBM Personal Computer with AOL's 50 Free Hours offer (skeeeeee anhhhhhhhhhhh)
Oh, right. The Chiefs!
Ten sacks. 3rd and 48. Loudest crowd ever (actual moment was the 42 second mark on DJ's sack). Raiders at Arrowhead streak over and done with. Tamba Hali. Defensive touchdown. Raiders suck. Chiefs win. Raiders suck. Chiefs win.
The Best and Worst w/ His Dirkness
Best historical comparison for the 2013 Kansas City Chiefs - The 1995 Kansas City Chiefs (what, you thought I was ranking 90s TV hotties for nothing?!?). The '95 Chiefs went 13-3, earned the No. 1 seed in the AFC, and eventually lost to a Team That Shall Not Be Named by a Score That Shall Not Be Named because of a Kicker Who Shall Not Be Named. They led the NFL in turnover differential and scoring defense (2013 Chiefs - same). They thrived on non-offensive TDs with seven (2013 Chies - five, already). Derrick Thomas and Neil Smith (Tamba Hali and Justin Houston). The offense was mediocre, yet opportunistic, ranking 12th in scoring (2013 - 10th). Their wildly successful head coach continuously fell just short of the big one (Hi, Andy). MartyBall ("You run too much") meet AndyBall ("You pass too much").
Now, you might find yourself saying, "Yeah, yeah, this comparison is awesome and all, Dirk, and your articles as a whole are mind-blowingly informative and entertaining, BUT this team has Alex Smith and that team had Steve freakin' Bono." Well...
- Steve Bono, 1995: 1st year with team, 56 percent, 3,121 yards, 21 TD, 10 INT, 13-3 record
- Alex Smith, 2013 (projected): 1st year, 56 percent, 3,547 yards, 19 TD, 8 INT, 16-0 record (Oh my, that felt good to type)
Look, this isn't meant to scare you. The '95 Chiefs team carries a bit of a negative stigma with them because, when combined with the franchise's other playoff failures of this generation, it becomes part of a negative historical trend. But I guarantee you that NOBODY thought 1995 was a failure while it was transpiring. It was an awesome f--king season (can I drop F-bombs, Joel? .... Update by Joel: No!). A magical ride. So enjoy it, these types of seasons are rare. Plus, Ryan Succop is the type of kicker who SHALL be named.
Best interpretation of the Chiefs' Draft - With the 1st overall pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select Marcus Cooper, Cornerback, Rutgers. Oh, and we signed some 7th rounder off waivers too, I think his name is Eric Fisher.
Best dramatic narrative - Marcus Cooper, Hangin' With You. Plot line: Cooper switches positions late in his college career at a lower-level BCS school. Doesn't get invited to the NFL Combine. Is the third to last player selected in the Draft. Gets cut by a juggernaut team with superior depth. Scooped up by last season's worst team in the league. Makes the team. Team thrives. Gets playing time due to injury. Shows tons of promise early. Displays potential tragic flaw to few people's surprise (beat on slant pass three times yesterday). Overcomes tragic flaw in dramatic fashion (interception on a slant). Wins the game for his team. Becomes THE biggest story of the BEST story in the NFL.
Best way to beat Oakland - Stay patient, and eventually they will Raider themselves.
Worst pass - Terrelle Pryor's lob into the middle of the field off his back foot. Remember, before this ghastly interception, it was a 7-7 game in which the Raiders offense had shown more promise than the Chiefs offense. And then, Raiders: Commitment to Excrements.
Best repeat of history - The last time a team allowed 10 sacks, committed 10 penalties, and turned the ball over 3 times, which the Raiders did on Sunday, was 1998. It was the Raiders. It happened against the Chiefs. And it was at Arrowhead (the Derrick Thomas six-sack game).
Best way to pressure Terrelle Pryor - Blitz a defensive back. According to ESPN, Pryor finished the game 0-2, with an INT, and was sacked five (!!!!!) times when the Chiefs brought a DB. That's seven drop-backs, five sacks, and an interception. I'm kinda curious what happened on that incompletion now.
Worst game as a Chief - Alex Smith. My biggest problem with the team right now is that Alex and the passing game seem to be digressing. Most people considered Alex's performance last week to be his worst of the season (I actually thought it was atPhilly), but Sunday set a new low. His proverbial stock is trending downwards at this point. My best guess why is that defenses have figured out the Chiefs are throwing everything underneath, and are now daring them to throw over the top, which is this team's biggest weakness given the offensive line's struggles, the lack of weapons at receiver and tight end, and Alex's cautious ways. However, Alex also missed some open receivers yesterday (McCluster on third down, 11:00 of the fourth quarter comes to mind in a big way). He has to get better, because they won't win many games when Jamaal Charles accounts for 59 percent of the team's total yards.
Worst narrative - Jamaal Charles isn't a goal line back. He sure looked like one on his second touchdown run of the day, taking one up the gut and bouncing off a few would-be-tacklers. Not to mention the fact that he's now scored a touchdown in every game this season.
Best hope for this offense - Anthony Fasano? Look, Alex Smith loves him some tight ends (here's proof). Right now, the team's got McBeard and nothing else. Fasano hasn't played since Week 2. While he's not a dynamic playmaker by any means, he would at least free up the offense's ability to confidently run a two tight end set, a formation they used often in the preseason and first two games.
Best construction of a defense - In order of importance:
- Pass rushers, which in the 3-4 means OLB's - Tamba (who played his best game in years yesterday) and Houston.
- Depth at CB - Dunta Robinson is our 4th best CB! That's nuts.
- Run stuffing man in the middle - Hongry Hongry Hip Poe.
- Veteran MLB as captain - The best DJ this side of Tootsie's Cabaret in Miami.
- Versatile safety to pick up the pieces - Uric Burry, who lines up wherever he damn well pleases in this defense, and has finally reached the potential we've all been hoping to see.
And there it is. That's the list. All bases are covered. The only weakness I can really find comes against mobile QB's. And luckily for the Chiefs, the team they need to beat the most employs one of the immobilest (that is too a word!) QB's of all time. We're waitingggggg, Peyton.
Worst announcing - Richard Gannon III continuously blaming Eric Berry for getting beat on the touchdown. First off, it was Cooper The Great who technically "got beat." Second, it was Quintin Demps who took the poor angle from the safety position.
Worst haircut - Mark Davis: Official member of the Pumpkin Pie Hair-Cutted Freak Club
Best 2012 Chiefs reenactment - The 2013 Houston Texans! Starting QB breaking down barriers in terms of futility, check. Public outcry for the backup QB, check. Starting QB injury, check. Fans cheering said injury, check. Backup QB sucks just as bad, check. Players criticizing fans for "barbaric" behavior, check. Alright!
And the Chiefs play them next week! Hopefully, the Chiefs push them into the "flying banners around the stadium" phase of craptitude. P.S. Somebody please keep a watchful eye on LB Joe Mays somewhere around Week 13.
That's it for me. Check out Amateur Hour's Postgame Show from last night and don't miss what should be a fun Chiefs/Texans preview with Nick Wright (who now covers the Texans) coming up on Tuesday Night. You can find that on Amatuerhourpodcast.com.
3rd and 48!!!!!!!!