First of all, this is my first splash in the big ocean of FanPosts on the greatest blog in the world. This is meant to be humorous, although you're allowed to take it seriously if you want. After all, it's a free country, more or less.
So it's Monday. It's been about a day since you witnessed the Atlanta Falcons dismantle the understaffed Chiefs defense, and now a co-worker (who obviously isn't as knowledgeable as you) wants to talk about the game. You know what time it is. It is time to do what you, loyal fan who bleeds Chiefs red, do best.
No, it's not time to curl up in a fetal position and cry. The time for that is over, and it is now time to search for an excuse for why the Chiefs lost. It wasn't because they were over-matched; they're the best team in the history of the NFL of course. It wasn't because of Matt Cassel, not this time. Instead I have compiled this handy list of excuses for why the Chiefs lost to a clearly inferior team. Mix and match them as you desire.
1) The Chiefs spent all training camp practicing to play in 95+ degree weather, and were totally unprepared for the pleasant weather on Sunday. Their training had left them unable to warm their own bodies and couldn't keep hot enough to keep up with the Falcons who, because of their climate-controlled dome, are acclimated to life in the mid-70's that we saw. Conveniently, you can also use this excuse to explain why the Chiefs did so poorly against the Rams in preseason 3 weeks ago. Expect them to practice in cooler weather this upcoming week and improve their low-temperature movement in preparation for the game in Buffalo.
2) This was the first game in which the first team on offense played the whole game under Brian Daboll, and he was totally unprepared. In all their previous games, they played one half at the most, and that's how many plays our poor offensive coordinator was ready to call for them. This explains why they moved the ball so well in the first half and stumbled in the second half. Not enough plays in the playbook. He probably has learned his lesson, and will be more prepared with an entire game's worth of plays ready next week. I hear he might even work Jon Baldwin into them.
3) For some reason, Atlanta was able to stop most of our special "Jamaal Charles 40+ yard run" plays. If only they hadn't been so lucky and predicted when we were going to run that play, we would have stayed in the game a lot easier. Don't expect every team to stop those so often.
4) The Falcons are totally on PEDs, probably something new that can't be detected with testing. All of them are, that's why they're so competitive every year but run out of energy in the post-season. We'll probably be awarded the win eventually, but it'll probably be after we win the Super Bowl, and no one will care about week 1 by then. We would have won if they weren't all juicing.
5) Matt Cassel is... oh wait, I think I said he wasn't the problem this time. Go ahead and blame him anyway, his QB rating wasn't over 100 and Matt Ryan's was, the cheating steroid-addled freak.
6) Scott Pioli is a cheapskate and won't pay his players what they're worth, so a lot of them bet their game checks on the Falcons to supplement their income to be more in line with what they should be making, and gave up in the second half. Hopefully they'll all be content now with their new wealth, and go back to wanting to win from now on.
7) Blame the kicker. The lazy guy only plays one down per drive, if that much, and still manages to mess up once in a while. You also think you saw Succop practicing his kicks with a mannequin head made up to look like Todd Haley, and the football does have a slightly different appearance, so maybe his practice habits need to be altered. Maybe. Can't fault him for the sentiment but Romeo will make him practice with a real football once in a while from now on.
8) The replacement refs suck and had it in for us. When we get the old referees back the penalty calling will be more fair. You don't even need to elaborate on this, everyone will just agree with you on this one, whether it's true or not.
9) It was a gift from the Chiefs to Tony Gonzalez. In the second half, they kept giving the Falcons the ball so that Gonzo could score one last time in Arrowhead, for old time's sake. Let's conveniently ignore that 2 of those turnovers happened after the TG TD, or perhaps they just love the guy so much they wanted to give him 2 TDs, but Matt Ryan just didn't get the message and kept throwing to his other receivers.
So, there you have it. Nine
excuses totally plausible reasons for our surprising week 1 loss, which you can use to astound your acquaintances. Go forth with your new football knowledge, and spread the word that we are still the best team in football, we will bounce back, and we will win every game this year, except for this one. And of course, if I forgot to mention anything of relevance, or if you think I should jump off the nearest cliff because I'm not funny, be sure to let me (and everyone else) know in the comments.