The lights at Heinz Field blinded The RAC briefly as he exited the visitor’s tunnel and returned to the battlefield. The first half had not gone well for his band of warriors. The cries of the wounded still filled his ears. The RAC paused, contemplating the challenge ahead of his team. They had lost a reliable receiver when early in the game Tony Moeaki leapt into the air to catch a (high)pass from Cassel and upon landing broke into several pieces. A few game minutes later Rodney Hudson was trampled into the ground by Steeler’s nose tackle Ta’amu. The RAC shook his head at the memory. The backup center, Dexter McCluster, was immediately lost when Ta’amu grabbed and carried him off the field, holding him in his arms and singing lullabies. Matt Cassel had suffered a shattered wrist and ruptured liver, but had no choice but to continue playing when he found that both of his backups had been killed by Allen Bailey, who mistook them for alligators and beat them to death with a shovel.
The RAC’s vaunted defense had not fared much better. Star safety Eric Berry suffered a traumatic concussion from an errant Roethlisberger pass, and both starting cornerbacks had been incinerated by Todd Haley’s laser eye beams.
The RAC knew he had to do something to even the odds a bit. The score was 14-7, with the Chiefs down a single score. They could win this thing, and they had to.
The third quarter began with a strong drive by the Steelers. Roethlisberger seemed unstoppable as he effortlessly picked apart the Chiefs decimated secondary. They drove down to the Chief’s fifteen yard line when The RAC called a timeout and took Tamba Hali aside.
“Now’s the time, Tamba. Ad hominem. Tambahawk.” Tamba’s eyes glazed over as The RAC spoke the final words. As he walked back to the line of scrimmage his arms wavered ever slightly, as though wings preparing for flight, and he seemed to be silently mouthing the word “Tambahawk” as if tasting a savory morsel.
The defense returned to the field and at the snap Tamba, moving faster than seemed possible, sped around the left side of the Steeler’s line. Hali grabbed the opposing quarterback’s right arm and twisted, tearing and straining with all his might. Sinew and muscle tore and separated from bone. Big Ben’s face contorted in surprise and pain as his throwing arm was ripped entirely from his body. Tamba didn’t even take the time to remove the fingers clasping the football as he sped toward the endzone. As he crossed the Steelers Twenty-yard line the Ghost of Todd Haley’s Beard grasped at his ankle and tried to hold him back, but the Tambahawk could not be stopped. He crashed through the goal line, raising the bloody arm over his head in celebration. The game had been tied.
Following the kickoff, Charlie Batch was called in to quarterback for the Steelers. Batch quickly went three and out, falling to the ground in the fetal position every time that Hali came around the corner. The punt was in the endzone, and the Chiefs started at their twenty yard line. A long drive by the Chiefs was ended when a (high)Matt Cassel pass was picked off by Troy Polamalu’s hair.
The quarter ended with another three and out by the Steelers. Batch was now clearly crying.
The final quarter turned into a run-fest, with the Steelers running Rashard Mendenhall from the wildcat and the Chief’s Cassel handing off to Peyton Hillis. The teams traded punts as both drives stalled before crossing midfield. The clock was running short, and The RAC knew he had to do something to spark the team. It was 3rd and 12 following a (held the ball to long)sack of Matt Cassel. The RAC suddenly knew what he needed to do. He called a time out, conferred with Doughball, his Offensive Coordinator, and sat down on the bench next to Dontari Poe’s permanent seat. The two men spoke in hushed tones for a moment, Poe smiled, and The RAC returned to the sideline.
The ball was snapped, Cassel dropped back, but instead of throwing the ball(high) he handed off to Devon Wylie.
A draw play on 3rd and 12? The RAC smiled as the opposing sideline erupted. Todd Haley stared at The RAC, his eyes smoldering. Fire flew from his mouth as he prepared to WAG THE FINGER at The RAC. Just as his arm began to raise, he was arrested from behind by Poe. Poe bellowed a mighty call as he raised Haley over his head and rent him in two. The blood rained down on the giant man as he began to consume the dead coach’s flesh.
On the field, Wylie had broke a long run in the chaos. It was now 1st and goal from the eight-yard line as the two minute warning sounded. Two failed (high) Cassel passes later and it was 3rd down. With time running down, the RAC decided that Brandon Albert’s time had come. He moved Albert to his natural position of running back, following Dontari Poe, with the head of Todd Haley hanging from his left hand, at fullback. The snap was perfectly handled by Cassel and handed off to Albert.
Albert blasted through the line like JaMarcus Russell at an all-you-can-eat buffet, crossing the goal line just as time expired.
The Chiefs had won.
The RAC smiled, but he knew that his was but one battle in a war that they must win to satisfy their ultimate conquest.