The offseason is a wonderful time of sunshine, lollipops, and good ol' All-American homerism. We all see the improvements the Chiefs made, and things look good on paper.
But here's the thing about paper... it's not real life. It's just paper, silly. And as we all know, any two-year-old can draw up something nice on a piece of paper. Trust me, it's true. I have a fridge that's completely covered with the stuff (slightly off topic, when did everything our kids draw become fridge-worthy? I mean crap, our oldest is just phoning it in at this point because he knows no matter what he draws my wife will put it up there. I personally think that if a drawing is bad we ought to burn it in front of him. You know, just to really drive the point home).
Anyways... what if the worst happens? What if our team is terrible? What if that old jackass Murphy decides to use his law on us and everything that can possibly go wrong does? What if we suffer through the worst year in sports history? What if, by the end of this year, we're pining for the good old days of 2008?
Now, obviously, not EVERYTHING can go wrong. The odds of lightening striking every player on the team simultaneously are slim at best (if anything it's way more likely that the earth opens up and swallows everyone at Arrowhead during the first half of Game 1 of the preseason). But lots of things CAN go wrong, and I think it's important to be prepared for the worst case scenario. So steel yourself, gird your loins and cover your nipples because you're about to take a trip down "Worst Case Scenario" Avenue...The season starts with a bang in the preseason. And by bang, I mean the sound you hear as Eric Berry's knee pops out the second he steps onto the field for the first snap of Game 1. As he's carted off the field Berry grabs a bullhorn from one of the coaches on the sideline and announces his retirement, as he's afraid multiple leg injuries will lead to severe leg depression when he retires. During his press conference following the game, Berry says, "I love the game, but I can't even look at my leg in the mirror anymore. It's like it's not even my leg. We need to have some time to ourselves to start the healing process, and we can't do it with all these other legs around us."
The team tries to rally around Romeo Crennel following the stunning loss of our star safety, and we make it to the final game of the preseason without incident. However, RAC decides to honor Todd Haley's memory by playing our starters well into the 3rd quarter of the game, and Jamaal Charles collides with Tony Moeaki at the end of a 45 yard run. He runs so fast that he literally obliterates the injury-prone-and-highly-delicate Moeaki to the point that not enough pieces can even be collected to fill up his urn. The sight of a man exploding in front of him triggers Peyton Hillis's dormant memory of his time as a CIA spy, and he is instantly taken captive by Kevin Boss, who turned out to be nothing more than a sleeper agent put in place to remove the threat Hillis represented to the United States if his memory ever returned. Neither player is ever seen again, at least not in the continental U.S. (although rumors abound that they became a heck of a spy tandem in Russia working with Michael Weston).
The team, shell-shocked from the tragedies that have already taken place, attempts to prepare for the first game of the season. This is not made easy by the discovery that Dontari Poe is actually a midget in a bodysuit. That's right, a freaking midget in a freaking bodysuit. This discovery is made by his training camp roommate Allen Bailey, who wakes up one night to discover the midget (who ironically goes by the name "Big Jim") asleep in what is supposed to be Poe's bed. Bailey mistakes the midget for an alligator (the room is poorly lit due to Clark Hunt cutting back on light bulbs in favor of candles) and promptly kills him with a shovel. As he is taken away by the police Bailey states, "I only did what anyone else would do if they found an alligator... right? Right?"
The season begins dismally with the Chiefs falling behind 14-0 in the first half of their first game. This is largely due to several poor throws by Matt Cassel killing promising drives. At halftime Dwayne Bowe snaps, with years of repressed frustration over playing with mediocre quarterbacks finally coming to the surface. He attacks Cassel with an imported "lady friend" he had hidden in his locker, using her as a club with which to batter Cassel repeatedly. both are carted from the locker room, one in a body cast the other in a straight jacket. Romeo attempts to rally the team with a, "Hey guys, it can't get any worse from here" speech. The team is to later look back on this moment as on of high spirits and good fortune.
After several more losses, Jamaal Charles decides he'd be better off on a new team and joins the Broncos. When Pioli attempts to enforce the Chiefs' contract with Charles, JC points out that they'd forgotten to have him sign it. Pioli reluctantly acquiesces and Charles leaves to join the (soon to be Super Bowl Champion) Broncos. Mass hysteria ensues around Arrowhead and Romeo, in a panic, puts Branden Albert in at left tackle, stating that it's his natural position and should have been done years ago.
Several additional losses later, Derrick Johnson comes to a realization: football was a lot easier when he didn't try all the time and was wildly inconsistent. This epiphany leads to the return of "old DJ." While this in and of itself is bad enough, DJ and Tamba Hali had recently become "BFF's" and DJ's lack of motor rubs off on Tamba. Soon thereafter Tamba vanishes into thin air right in the middle of a game. Doctor's soon after discover that Tamba was 98% motor and 2% water, and the combination of losing his motor and the hot day caused him to completely evaporate. The team mourns once again, besides Justin Houston, who celebrates his chance at taking over as rush OLB by smoking an entire acre of his favorite herb. Upon doing so, he realizes his life goal of being an artist and quits the team.
By this point, the Chiefs are 0-10 and staring at the possibility of going down as the worst team in history. Fortunately, the team gets its first positive break: Jonathan Baldwin has a breakout game and looks to be on the brink of becoming a superstar. In yet another tragic turn, though, Thomas Jones un-retires to "finish the job" and pulls off Baldwin's thumbs. Hysterical at the idea that he will never be able to hitchhike properly, Baldwin is cut from the team as Pioli tells the press, "He has 8 fingers. No part of the right 53."
With three games left and the team at 0-13, times are desperate. Clark Hunt suddenly cuts off all contact between the coaching staff and the players, citing practices as "too expensive." The team still shows up and competes hard, only to discover that they went to the wrong stadium on the wrong day and are losing 21-17 to Alabama at halftime. Deciding to "roll with it," RAC instructs his team to finish the game, only to be handed the most devastating loss yet when Tyson Jackson trips over his own hair and misses the game-saving tackle. Roger Goodell decides that the loss should count in the record books as two losses, since it was to a college team. And just like that, the Chiefs are facing the prospect of being the only team in NFL history to go 0-17.
The last game of the season arrives, and the Chiefs are ready to play. Dexter McCluster and Steve Breaston are having fantastic games and are attempting to carry the Chiefs to victory. However, during a lull in the action Ricky Stanzi overhears them joking around about the current political state of America. This proves to be a mistake, as Stanzi reveals himself to literally be Captain America and decapitates them both with his shield for making jokes about the "greatest country on Earth."
The season ends with the Chiefs being 0-17, the only team that ever has or will attain such a low level of play in the NFL. Shortly thereafter, Clark Hunt sells the team. While this is met with joy by some on Arrowhead Pride, horror soon follow when it is announced that the team was sold to Justin Bieber, who plans on moving it to LA and changing the team name to "The Biebs." The team is relocated shortly thereafter, with Bieber instructing that Arrowhead be burned to the ground and any person who so much as mentions "The Chiefs" be executed (I perhaps should have mentioned that Bieber had since taken over the country as an all-powerful dictator).
There. Now you're ready for the season to start.