tHe liKE ToTalLY ViSIOnaRy 2013 cHieFS DePth CHarT: A Satire

With the NFL draft a mere 20 days away fans of 31 NFL teams are in the midst of speculation over who their teams will select on draft day. Those of at AP, however, have been blessed. Our resident (between bans and the time it takes to dream up a new phony user name) visionary has spoken (for approximately the 3128th time in the last 2 months). When a visionary like this speaks you listen (especially when they make six figures, are much smarter, and well endowed than you are- otherwise they play internet tough guy and send you threatening emails). You know Pioli’s no fool so he’ll be following this visionaries plan to the letter, and the Chief’s will become like the greatest team in the history of the NFL. For fans of the Kansas City Chiefs it’s already time to look ahead to our Chiefs Depth Chart.

Just to recap for those you may have missed it our SUPER-AWESOME-NOTATALLMADDENESQUE-TOTALLY-VISIONARY-EXTREMELY-REALISTIC draft went as follows:

1A: Dontari Poe DT Memphis

1B: Cordy Glenn G Georgia

1C: Kelechi Osemele G Iowa State

2A: Mohamed Sanu WR Rutgers

2B: Mike Adams OT Ohio State

3A: Russel Wilson QB North Carolina State (We had Hillis use Psy-Ops to make him forget all about Wisconsin… duh… you hater)

3B: Alameda Ta’amu DT Washington

4: Traded for Sammie Lee Hill DT Detroit

5A: Vontaze Burflict ILB Arizona State

5B: Janzen Jackson FS McNeese State

6A: Akeem Hicks DT Regina

6B: Marcel Jones OT Nebraska

7A: Marquise Maze WR Bama

7B: Nicholas Jean-Baptise DT Baylor


Nelson Rosario WR UCLA

Chigbo Anunoby DT Morehouse

Lavasier Tuinei WR Oregon

As you can see after this like totally super-awesome-visionary-great-visionary-better-than-yours-like- visionary-realistic-visionary-visionary-visionary-visionary draft in which we obtained Day 1 All-Pro Future Hall of Fame and Greatest of All-Time players from top to bottom (including UDFA because of course the only thing you need to succeed as a receiver in the NFL is to be really F’ing tall) the Chiefs now have stacked 10 straight Super Bowl champion visionary team. Now some of you dumb haters might ask why we didn’t address any of the needs the experts saw on their team. Well these so called experts (expert haters) aren’t visionary like this visionary. They don’t realize that the path to success in the NFL is to build a team made up of entirely defensive tackles, offensive linemen, and wide receivers. The reason no one has figured this out before is that they all too stupid and not visionary enough, unlike this visionary who makes six figures and has a larger penis than you. You may also notice that there are no longer 53 players on the team, we didn't need anyone else with this much awesomeness.

Now let’s look at the Chiefs 2013 Depth Chart:


ROT: Mike Adams: This guy instantly becomes the team leader. He lacks the ideal physical tools but is a super hard worker, model citizen, the picture of consistency, and has great technique.

RG: Kelechi Osemele: This guy has super human strength and is raw but already better than everybody else except Cordy Glenn of course.

C: Dexter McCluster: People thought the problem at center last year was that Casey was to small and weak relly he was far to big and strong for the Chiefs visionary new scheme, Dexter McCluster at 5'7" and 170 lbs is a perfect fit.

LG: Cordy Glenn: This guy is actually really Carl Nicks only better.

LOT: Mohamed Sanu: he blocks like an offensive tackle after all.

QB: Russel Wilson, Drew Brees: Russell Wilson will be a first ballot hall of famer after pre-season and Brees is a pretty good backup (wait didn't you hear we're trading for Brees... that visionary has sources! They predicted Routt and Hillis after it already happened, the numbers of Manning's contract with KC, D-Bowes franchise tag- a whole day before it happened, and that Eric Winston would sign a 6 year 60 million dollar deal with the Chiefs).

WR: Mohamed Sanu, Nelson Rosario, Lavasier Tuinei, Marquize Maze, Marcel Jones: All of these wide recievers will be all-pro's as rookies. Everyone knows tall guys are automatically the best, just look at the NBA. Mays isn't real tall but he's dynamically dynamic. Jones played offensive tackle in college but he's tall so he'll make a great receiver.

TE: None, You don’t need anyone else to catch the ball when all of your WR’s are All-Pros or anyone to help block when all of your O-Line have super human strength and are like totally the fastest most agile guy’s on the field.

HB: Dontari Poe: He's super fast and looked really good in his underwear, his coaches at Memphis were just bad and didn't use him properly. With that size and speed Poe is clearly best suited to playing a scat back role in the NFL.

FB: Kelechi Osmele: He's like a super awesome blocker with super human strength I think he can handle playing 2 positions on offense.


CB: Dontari Poe, Sammie Lee Hill, Nicholas Jean-Baptiste, Chigbo Anunoby, Alameda Ta'amu: The Chiefs strategy is revealed. Here you thought they drafted all these guys to fill one NT position on the game day roster. They were really looking to bulk up the corner back position. you would have figured this out if you were a visionary and not a hater.

SS: Mohamed Sanu: He hit's like a strong safety.

FS: Janzen Jackson: Maybe this former team mate can mentor Berry (practice squad) and help him turn his life around as thus far Berry been a major disappointment (not a team player and a real thug off the field).

OLB: Tyson Jackson, Glenn Dorsey: Defensive tackles are clearly the answer to everything.

ILB: Cory Greenwood, Akeem Hicks: Canadians make the best football players, hence why the CFL is so majorly awesome.

LDE: Sabby Pisstecelli: You can't not start a guy with this kind of talent.

NT: Bobby Sippio: Turns out the answer to our nose tackle problem has been floating around all along.

RDE: Donald Washington: Smart heady football player, steal of the '09 draft how guys like Clay Matthews went before him people still don't understand.

Special Teams:

K/P/LS: Brandon Albert can finally be moved to his natural position.

Coaching Staff:

Vontaze Burflict: Anger management trainer and lifestyle advisor. This should really help our guys keep their cool and stay focussed on the game. His work ethic and ability to stay in shape would also make him a great choice for planning offseason training program.

Peyton Hillis: Official phone bugger and candy wrapper enforcer.

Practice Squad: These guys are like sort of all right, clearly not as good as their replacements, but maybe in a few years they’ll develop into half way decent depth. They should clear waivers easily.

Jamaal Charles HB

Tamba Hali OLB

Derrick Johnson ILB

Dwayne Bowe WR

Brandon Flowers CB

Eric Berry SS

There it is. If you don't like it remember your a dumb pathetic hater who won't ever achieve greatness because your not a visionary.

End Satire

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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