FanPost

Skitzophrenia, Throwing El Bowes and The NeverEnding Stories 1-3 (A pessimistic view through the rose colored looking glass)

I will preface this with the following confession: I'm writing this for completely conceited, selfish reasons. I'm tired of every post being from the same vein. I feel like I can liven things up and give us something to talk about. In honor of RonMikeSkitzBowe, this will be part 1 of a 400 part post.

Tomorrow, a lot of news is (hopefully) going to flood this site. Finally.

I like to speculate as much as (read: more than) the next guy, but my beloved arrowhead pride has become insufferable. Unlike, hakuna matata, I understand that this is just a passing craze. So, like hakuna matata, I have no worries. In the meantime, I read every fanpost that is posted. Every fanshot. Every everything. It's all the same. The only person who offers anything more than the banal is He Who Shall Not Keep a Name, but it was only interesting like Jersey Shore is interesting.

Jump to see if this post is a MUST READ (spoiler alert: it won't be)

arrowheadpride.com is EASILY my most often visited website (that isn't used for physical gratification...well, let's see how this offseason goes before I make any sweeping proclamations). I work a horrible 7pm-7am shift, and I desperately rely on this site to keep me entertained. Lately, it has failed miserably.

The fact that everyone and their little sisters find it necessary to post "ForE ReeZINs Y cheEFS ShULD fRANcHiSe BArrY rICHArDSON" posts in their own words is about to make my gul durned head explode. It's all been said. Ad nauseum. Here's the kicker. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

That is the beautifully painful truth of it all. After all the speculation, arguing, and wild proclamations, no one knows what the fuck will happen. Remember when the Eagles were the Super Bowl favorites last year? Me neither. Remember when Jamaal Charles was going to take another stab at setting records set by Jim Freaking Brown? Nope. I also don't remember a din of Cassel supporters saying that his Pro Bowl campaign was just the beginning. I don't remember when Zack Greinke was a Royal. I don't remember steamrolling people on Tecmo Super Bowl with Christian Okoye. And I, sure as hell, don't remember the Alamo. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

I love this team with all of my heart. I've broken up with girls who didn't understand why I couldn't hear the female frequency on Sundays. I've supported the decision to start Grbac. I've thought Gunther might not be a bad choice as a head coach. I've thought that Gunther might not be a bad choice to come back and be defensive coordinator again. I've thought Herm was a great coach to lead a youth movement. I've thought that Todd Haley might be THE COACH who can stay here for 25 years. I've thought that Romeo could be the perfect coach to push an above average defense to an elite caliber wrecking machine. THERE IS, HOPEFULLY, ONE RIGHT ANSWER.

It wears me out. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it wears me out. All I know for sure is that every offseason, hope springs eternal in fanville. Natural Kool-Aid spring water springs from Adriana Lima's butt on to a glass coffee table in Clark Hunt's office. It is then bottled by oompa loompas, and served on a platinum platter by topless buxom sirens with voices like angels and Dyson-like suction. It's great. I love Chiefs kool-aid.

Until they take the field, almost every fan of every team is convinced that THIS is the year. Remember the fans in Major League? Unfortunately, that's us. We haven't been to the Super Bowl since January 11, 1970. Yet every year is THE YEAR.

In my normal life, I'm an ultimate pessimist, but as a Kansas City sports fan, I am a doe-eyed, fresh off the bus dipshit yearly. During brief moments of delirium (read: clarity) such as these, I realize that whichever moves I support will blow up. Right. The Fuck. In. My face.

A few possible scenarios that have been discussed around here (and the yin and yang to each):

1. Peyton Manning - Peyton Manning is easily one of the 10 best QBs of all time. I'd put him in the top 4, but I'm relatively young and ignorant--all of my top 4 are currently active players. I think that, if his arm works, he has more to offer a team than Joe Montana had to offer us. I also think whatever decision we make will be the wrong one. He will either return to greatness with another team, or be a noodle armed, Sony hawking waste of salary cap space for us. C'est la vie.

2. Dwayne Bowe- I'm going to go ahead and say what I want to do here because I feel it is an imperative detail to make sure I can take a shit on myself. I think we should have immediately locked him up for 4 years. I would have given him, pretty much, whatever he asked (for reasons that I will cover later). Here's the thing...he's a flake. He's a box of chocolates. You really never know what you're going to get. He's had a fantastic career thus far, but his work ethic has been in question since he refused nestling under Tony Gonzalez's wing. I now think that we will franchise him. With something to prove, he will score, roughly, 600 TDs and have, no fewer than, 5,000 yards receiving. We will then lock up our #1 receiver the year he will be turning 29. His work ethic will decline AND father time will be catching him from behind (No homo...I miss a good ol fashion D-Bowe shoe feast)

3. Brandon Carr- Again, I will offer my two cents, but it is more so I could shit on myself in the above blurb. With Bowe re-signed, I was hoping to franchise Carr. From there, we could see how ridiculous his requests were and trade him if he was unreasonable. If we couldn't keep him, the extra picks we amassed in the 2013 draft would allow us to trade up for a QB in the first who would then be our QBOTF (no matter if he was behind Cassel, Orton, Manning, Stanzi, or Dawson on the depth chart). I would be completely ok with him staying too--passing league, injuries, size and speed combo, youth, homegrown, etc. I'm of the school of thought that you don't let a good player in their prime go without getting either a) stellar play b) something in return. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm trying to avoid getting too preachy and becoming one of the people with no new points.

4. Brian Daboll- My heart says "Holy Shit! He earned this job by besting Romeo when we played the Dolphins. His defensive background has made him a wizard at attacking on offense using the weapons provided." My brain says, "(fart noise) Browns suck. Dolphins suck. We will suck." Those really are the only sides you can have on this one.

5. Todd Haley- I actually deleted a blog out of frustration a couple of weeks ago about this guy. Through all of the excitement of beating the Packers (because the whole team rallied behind Romeo to show the evils of the Haley), I didn't really think about the fact that if we didn't win those 2 games under romeo, we would have to give up a lot less to get that guy from Baylor people seem to like. We would, basically, have to match the redskins/browns offer rather than give up members of the Hunt family and every draft pick we will ever have. I wish Todd Haley well, and understand that to make a QBOTF omelette, you have to break a few Palko shells. I already miss having a good excuse not to shave.

6. The Draft- IT'S A GOD DAMNED CRAPSHOOT. EVERY PICK/MOVE IS DEPENDENT UPON EVERY SECOND LEADING UP TO OUR PICK. I love reading the mock draft thread. HOWEVER, THERE IS A MOCK DRAFT THREAD. Your opinion isn't important enough to warrant it's own post. I promise this to be fact. The depressing thing is, anyone who is strong enough to choke down this post, already knows this. I'm speaking to the people who get it.

7. Free Agency- See #6. Also, OF COURSE YOU GET THE BEST PLAYERS YOU CAN GET TO REPLACE THE WEAKEST PLAYERS YOU HAVE. Go ahead and put that last sentence under 6 as well (I'm sure we can fix this post in post-production).

8. The Injured Gang (and how it affects me) - Since we initially lost Charles, Moeaki, and Berry (Siler and Cassel to a lesser extent), I've been saying, "Imagine next year when those guys are back!!!!!", and not "what if next year is a year for our injured to get back up to speed"...or "what if one, two, or three of those guys are NEVER the same". But...what if next year is a year for our injured to get back up to speed...or worse yet...what if one, two or three of those guys are NEVER the same? Every hypothetical I've gone over this offseason has been reliant on every ACL coming back at 100%. It's depressing to think that we could have a bunch of young guns that need replacing.

9. Barry Richardson- So...we're gonna franchise him, right? In all seriousness, you guys know that he is young, right? And the SECOND that we let him go, that coach slapping monster of a man is going to turn into a steamrollin', pancakin'...monster of a man, right? I'm completely ok with letting him go, but he IS 25. Just sayin.

10. Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg- If we don't trade up, or get Manning, then what? The Other Guys. That's what. Matt "Come at me, Bro. I'm the King of the" Cassel? Jason "mmmm mmmm...good" Campbell? Kyle "Will you pleeeeeease party with RelaxingPoo" Orton? "Big Arm" Chad Henne? Ricky "Just be Rick, for America" Stanzi? Player "Late Round Draft Pick to be Named" Later? I want all of them. Then I want them to get into a UFC octagon. And I want them to play dodge ball with footballs. The top 3 keep that order on the depth chart, everyone else gets cut.

11. RGIII- Well, I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like? Good news? Ok. We can trade all picks from 2013 and beyond for RGIII because, well, the Mayans (and John Cusack) have let us know that this is the last year we will inhabit this rock. Now the bad news, If we use the Mayan strategy, and RGIII leads us to an undefeated season, we'll still never see the Super Bowl because it will be on February 3, 2013 and the world will be gone. So...yeah...if we get RGIII, we'll never get to see the inevitable Super Bowl he would bring. Sucks, right?

I was going to go on, but I just realized the world was going to end before Super Bowl XLVII, and that my whole existence (AP and otherwise) is for naught. I'm also a little heartbroken because it really just set in that the intention of this post was to liven things up a bit during a lull, but tomorrow is going to be a huge news day. That means...this is going to be obsolete as soon as it's posted. I guess that's a good summary of my overall feeling of the fanposts lately. In writing 1900 words I have depressed myself and proven my initial point.

Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, RonSkitzo. Goodbye, MikeBowe.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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