Pay Tons and Peytons: Eff 'em in Effigy

According to wikipedia, Gary Payton retired in 2007. I don't know what the big deal is. I thought this was a football blog. I also thought we lived in a civilized society.

This is all pretty confusing to me. Why would a retired point guard sign with the Denver Broncos?


Oh, shit! All of this hooplah was about TV's Peyton Manning? Bear with me, I just woke up from a mild winter's hibernation (get it bear?? eh?). I can't believe that guy quit his job as CEO of Sony to play football. Crazy.


Here are my unsolicited two cents on the Peyton Manning situation, and my narcissistic view of how everything that transpired was...because of me.

I was 11 years old when Joe Montana came here.

I remember it all very clearly in a "memorize stats on football cards/play NFL 94 on Sega Genesis/pre-internet and twitter/19 years later" sort of way. I remember my opinion of Thurman Thomas being forever altered, but I don't REALLY remember us having a GREAT QB. I remember my mom having a crush on Joe Montana. I remember Hanes commercials, but I don't really remember any of the details of any particular game of Joe Montana's tenure here.

Honestly, I wanted to relive that in my adulthood. There are few "brand name" players (Gretzky, Jordan, Montana, Manning, etc.), and I was excited to have our first real media powerhouse in KC since Bo Jackson. I think our team, and we as fans, deserved the recognition. Even when we're good, we're not a top story on any least, not for anything good. It's not fair. I wanted this for us. For our team. And for arrowheadpride.

I, generally, fear change. I was terrified to have to choke down my pride and like Peyton Manning, but I would have done it. For my chiefs.

......but I didn't have to.


Fuck Peyton Manning.

There. I said it.

My desperate need for a QB in this city has clouded my mind for far too long

For reasons, now, unbeknownst to me, I was ready to present Tom Brady's Bill Belichick's Scott Pioli's bitch the world's first, to my knowledge, novelty sized blank check. To Peyton Manning? What in the holy bejeezus? Aside from him having an "aww, shucks" mentality and a penchant for not taking himself too seriously off the field, I FREAKING FUCKING hate that guy. My world was upside down.

I understand that PePe is one of the top 5 QBs of all time. However, for weeks, I've been trying to convince myself that if he were to don the Red and Gold, his pre-snap, self-righteous audible (or no audible) jerkfest might have some charm. That his ballerina, tip toe in the pocket until his stupid shit, dart throw of a release on short passes would somehow be watchable. That, if he choked on his tongue saying "insurance adjusters" like he did in one of his first Mastercard commercials with an Arrowhead on his helmet, I wouldn't drunkenly throw something at the screen like I did in 2006 when it aired every 15 seconds.

Could I really get over 2003? When, after the best NFL season of my life (turned 21 AND had a 13-3 season), Peyton Manning cut off his own middle finger, put it in a thermos (with a turd), and sent it same day air to my god damned door step? Could I really get over the fifth of disgusting McCormick's vodka I drank that night? Could I forgive him for FORCING me to stay up all night challenging Colts fans on PS2 Madden while I hurled Trent Green passes to Tony G and expletives through the headset (I went roughly 5-1 that night. My theory, at the time, was that Peyton was on the other end of my lone loss--breaking my heart on Madden as he did earlier that day in real life. This fueled my hate for years)?

2006? Would I be willing to forget the feeling of destiny I had when everything that needed to happen to get us in the playoffs did? EVERYTHING (refresher: The Kansas City Chiefs clinched the final wild card berth (as 6th seed) during the final week of the regular season with their win over Jacksonville, a loss by Tennessee, and two overtime losses by Cincinnati and Denver. via wikipedia). Only to have Peyton Manning, once again take a dump on my chest?

I'm a stubborn man...even when talks were heavy that Peyton would be a FOOL not to come here, I was quietly trying to figure out how I was going to un-argue every person I've every come across that claimed that Peyton was better than Tom Brady. That was my big fear, how do I back off of my steadfast belief that Peyton Manning was a Kansas City hating, RelaxingPoo screwing, Chief killing son of a bitch? My decision? He owed me.

I believed Peyton Manning had a few years to reflect and, after being mistreated by the only employer he had ever known (save every company ever for endorsements), he had seen the error of his ways. He was going to come to Kansas City for pennies on the dollar, show remorse for the damage he had done to our fanbase, and apologize to me (by name) in a press conference. My conclusion on the matter was that he, Beezelbub Manning, owed us, and in true My Name is Earl fashion, must right his wrongs.

Then the M F'er sided with the Peyton Manning of my childhood, John "does this outfit make my teeth look fat and my eye dimple weird" Elway. Are you freaking kidding me? Early on, I was floored by the random smatterings of Chiefs/Manning tampering, but now it's obvious...Peyton Manning and John Elway have had this planned since 1982. They were at the hospital when I was born, and they named me their nemesis. Before 2003. Before John Elway ran across the line of scrimmage before throwing 40% of his passes against us. Before sex with Cartman's mom. It was all a plan to destroy me.

Now that I see it all for what it is, I'm not scared. We, essentially, upgraded 5 positions for, roughly, what it would have taken to take a gamble on Manning. Now that it has all played out, I'm ready to blitz my Tamba and see what happens.

Our team is better than theirs. I have no doubt in this fact. Our offense has more weapons, and our defense has more playmakers. I believe in us. I don't think Matt Cassell is a top 20 QB in this league, but I think with this team surrounding him, he can replicate 2010. There's no reason not to believe. He did it once with less around him than he has now. I'm ecstatic that we got Peyton instead of Peyton. Mr. Hillis can help us keep Mr. Manning off of the field twice this year.

PS- It doesn't really matter, but is it bad that I like Von Miller? I keep telling myself it's the DT comparisons and the #58...and the glasses.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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