Setting: Saturday Night, on a private jet somewhere over the Rockies. Peyton picks up the SkyPhone.
Peyton: Hi honey, I’m finally on my way to Phoenix.
Ashley: You’re just now getting out of Denver? Things must have gone really well!
Peyton: No, the exact opposite. It was a nightmare. There’s something seriously wrong in Denver.
Ashley: No! What happened?
Peyton: Well, it started out great. Woke up early, had a nice free breakfast here at the hotel, had a little work out at the gym. No equipment guys, though.
Peyton: But then I go back to the room, and there’s nobody around. I call John – no answer. So I think ok, let’s get going to Phoenix… and the door was stuck or something, and the phones stopped working.
Ashley: Oh my god!
Peyton: Right! The windows wouldn’t open, either! After a couple of hours, the door opened and John came in with a bunch of papers and a pen.
Peyton: Yeah, he just smiled at me like nothing was wrong and asked me for my autograph – on the papers.
Ashley: That seems a little fishy.
Peyton: Yeah, right? So then I say, what are those papers, and he starts talking into his hand, he says “He’s not cooperating… send in The Von.” And some German guy, von Miller or something bangs the door open and comes in all roid-like… scary dude, let me tell you.
Ashley: Wait, Von Miller? I don’t think he’s German, honey.
Peyton: No? Well, German or not he was damn scary.
Peyton: But listen sweetheart. We may not have a choice here. They leaned on me pretty hard. And, and… well, they said they know where we live. They know your name, and the twin’s names!
Ashley: Those monsters!
Peyton: Elway and The Von… their eyes are going to haunt me for a while, I think.
Ashley: Oh no, it’s the badger all over again!
Peyton: I hope it won’t be that bad. God no, please no.
Peyton: Maybe if I just give them what they want, it’ll be all right.
Ashley: Do you want me to come to you, Pey-baby?
Peyton: No, the twins need their mom, I’ll be ok… just a quick day in Arizona and I’ll rocket back home.
<… this section redacted for excessive smushiness …>
Peyton: See you soon, plushkins.
Ashley: I love you so much, pookieman.
Setting: Sunday afternoon, in Phoenix.
Peyton: Hi sweetheart!
Ashley: I’ve been hanging by the phone, waiting for your call! How are you?
Peyton: Much better. I hung out with Larry, talked with… dang, what’s his name? Jim? No, Bill? I don’t know. But it was pleasant and professional. Such a difference from Denver!
Ashley: So maybe we’ll end up on Phoenix?
Peyton: Ha! Not a chance. The lunatic owner in DC just gave St. Louis gadzillion number one picks for Griffin III. And since not even RG3, alone, anyway, can pull the Redskins out of the cellar, they’ll be high first round pics. The Rams are going to rule the NFC West for the next ten years!
Ashley: Ohhh, that’s good for Eli, right?
Peyton: You bet. I need to focus on the AFC now. Five years of Manning-only Super Bowls would surely convince Dad to increase our allowance!
Ashley: That would be wonderful! So who is our white knight? Not those Bronco monsters, I hope?
Peyton: I hope not. It’s strange to talk about, but I had this vivid dream last night. I was scared and cold and alone, and the badger was coming. You know, the usual nightmare, and then this horse charged up and stomped the badger and carried me away!
Ashley: Was it a Colt, or maybe a Bronco?
Peyton: No, not a stallion… and not a wild horse… it was painted and decorated with symbols and feathers. It seemed like some kind of war horse. It was fierce and proud, but you could tell it was also loyal and loving...
Ashley: Ohhh. What could it all mean?
Peyton: I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know.
Setting: The Arrowhead War Room, Sunday evening. Scott Pioli and the Black Ops managers are in conference.
Scott: Are you telling me that we’re losing him to the Broncos because Elway is scary?
Ops: No sir, our Peyton profile indicates that the heavy handed approach is going to backfire.
Scott: Look at these transcripts! We’ve got bugs in his phone, his condo, his jet, his shoes, he’s totally falling for “The Von” stuff!
Ops: Yes sir, it looks that way now. But our countermeasures, like the Warpaint dream insertion are just kicking in. In time, we are confident we’ll turn him.
Scott: We don’t have time, dammit! Free agency is about to start!
Ops: There’s always the nuclear option.
Scott: Hmmm. I’m not sure if I can get Clark to approve. Taking out an entire city of people in a military accident, just to get a quarterback? Well, he doesn’t necessarily have to know. Let me think about it.