Two Thursdays ago, in the national spotlight, our beloved Chiefs tried valiantly to not lose against San Diego. Despite not exactly following my keys for not losing that game, they still remained very close to not losing for the first three quarters. Now, an even bigger test is on the horizon, again in the Prime time national spotlight of Monday Night Football. The quest for not losing this game is that much more difficult. The stakes that much higher. The Steelers are a solid team that is used to controlling the tempo of ball games with solid defense, efficient passing, and hard-nosed running. Not losing will be a difficult feat for the Chiefs. But it can be done. Here's how:
Key 1, Pull!: We need to threaten to bench players for bad play. Okay I guess they are already trying to do that, but it needs to go a step further. Don't just threaten to bench them if they turn over the football. Threaten to bench them if they make any bad play whatsoever. Missed a tackle, sit down. Missed a block, bench is thataway. Miss a field goal, go butt-polish the pine. But even that's not enough. Bench coaches for calling bad plays. Bench the GM for hiring bad personnel. Bench fans for cheering injuries... oh wait. Forget that last one.
Now, with all this threatening to bench, remember, it's just a threat. We won't actually bench anyone for bad play. We'll just tell them we're going to. Then when it actually happens we give them a stern Romeo look and tell them to go back out and do better next time. The mercy this shows will make the players want to play better, because they see how much their coach just loves them and wants them to be happy.
Key 2, You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose: The players and coaches should pick against the Chiefs in all their fantasy football and pro football pick-em leagues. This way, the whole game is a not lose-not lose. What happened? I just fumbled the football on the one yard line? That's okay, my FF team just scored two points! Big Ben just got a 75 yard touchdown pass on our crappy other corner? Yeah baby, seven and a half points! Perspective helps change the game so that now, instead of either just losing or not losing, there are shades of un-loss. I know this has really helped me take the losing easier the last few weeks.
Key 3, Keys to the Cassel: Matt Cassel must start and finish this game. The only good team he has ever beat as a Chief was Pittsburgh, so he knows how to do it. Stanzi should not even dress for this game. If Cassel goes down, or just plain sucks hind wind, this game cannot be not-lost. Not only is Cassel the best healthy quarterback on this team, he is the only one on the roster who has managed to win any game in the last 4 years. If he can win a game, he can also not lose a game. Also, Ricky Stanzi was drafted by the Chiefs. No quarterback drafted by the Chiefs has won a game for the Chiefs since 1988. There is no way Stanzi can be successful as a Chiefs quarterback, as that stat clearly shows.
Key 4, Location, Location, Location: We need a neutral site for this game The Chiefs should just move the game to London or Tokyo or some other place. Not losing this game will be difficult with the home-field advantage Pittsburg enjoys at home, and even more difficult with the home field advantage the Steelers would enjoy at Arrowhead. Also, with no fans, there will be no one to cheer our player's injuries and make the other players grumpy. Plus, American Football sounds cooler in a British accent. And the best thing about moving the game, is that the Steelers will not be there. They will be back in Pittsburgh wondering where the Chiefs are, which is far better than the Chiefs showing up to the game and everyone still wondering where they are.
Key 5, Express yourself: The Chiefs players, coaches, and staff should come dressed in black, and wearing paper bags over their heads to demonstrate their displeasure with the performance of the Chiefs this year. If they really want to show their displeasure, the Chiefs players can all wear Larry Johnson 2.7 jerseys and Romeo can wear a V-neck sweater vest and turtleneck, in remembrance of a time when we were once great. Better still, the Chiefs players and coaches could fly a banner around the London stadium they will be playing at that says "We deserve better than ourselves. Bench us and fire our bosses!" Then when they see how much they suck, they will play better and be less likely to lose.
Remember, the Chiefs may stink right now, but to paraphrase the late great Bill Parcells: "not losing is the best deodorant." Lets go out there and not lose this one on Monday night.