At least the Chiefs put up one of their better performances of the season with the national spotlight shining (not so) brightly on them last night. Seriously, if you squinted hard enough, that ALMOST resembled an actual football game.
The last two statements were meant with no sarcasm whatsoever. And neither is this next one...
I thoroughly enjoyed last night's game.
Best way to watch a Chiefs game these days - With a large group of friends, preferably with some scotchy, scotch, scotch in hand.
I look at it like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry wants to go see Plan 9 From Outer Space (infamous for being the worst movie of all time ~ and representative of the Chiefs in this analogy), but nobody ends up able to go with him. To this, Jerry retorts, "I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
This is the perfect line for the Chiefs season. Don't watch the game in a fit of frustration and anger. Get a group of buddies together and distance yourself from their craptacular sucktitude by mocking them, and drinking, and having a good time. It's remarkably therapeutic.
And it might be the only way to enjoy the 2012 Kansas City Chiefs.
Lets try and keep the silliness up for this entire post... <Atari Bigby cocking a rifle celebration>
The Best And Worst With: His Dirkness
Best play of the season - The double fake onside kick. A DOUBLE FAKE ONSIDE KICK!!! This play was soooo awesome. Where have plays like this been? If I were the head coach of a 1-7 NFL team, shortly after killing myself, I would be calling all kinds of crazy plays like this. Can we run a double reverse fake punt? Sure, why not. The Annexation of Puerto Rico? Yeah, what the hell. Dexter McCluster straight up the gut out of the Wildcat on a 3rd and 1 where Matt Cassel never breaks his WR stance? Time to scratch that one off the ol' Denny's menu, Romeo. (Can somebody please put together an image of Romeo holding a Denny's menu for me? I'd love you long time.)
Worst moment of the season - Wildcat formation, Dexter McCluster takes the direct snap and races around the right end for 13 yards. Poses.
Worst effort on the season - Travis Daniels giving up 30 yards on a quick slant to a WR the Chargers signed off the streets 2 WEEKS AGO.
Worst story going into the game - Norv Turner might get fired if the Chargers lose to the Chiefs. Well.....yeah! Which coach is this not the case for? You think Mike Tomlin will survive next week if they lose to KC on Monday Night Football? No way. The same could've been said for John Harbaugh, Greg Schiano, and whoever the hell that guy is who coaches the Raiders now.
Best way our Kansas City Chiefs are giving back - Providing 13 teams around the league with an extra bye week this season. Hell, they even give their divisional mates two extra bye weeks! There's all this talk around the NFL about reducing injuries and blah, blah, blah whatever Fidel Goodell says, but the Chiefs are the only ones actually taking action on the matter. WE CARE!!
Best segue I got - Speaking of which, I saw Jovan Belcher care last night. He got pissed, which is more than I can say about half of our defense.
Best Philip Rivers celebration - Spasming out of control like the Excited Southerner would after a TD pass.
Worst Philip Rivers celebration - This. Here's the unheard audio: "Ohhhhh, goshhh darn it Philip, I just...oh no, I can't feel my knees....WHYYYYY?!?"
Best fight of the night - Johnny Baldwin and Matt Cassel. There was some genuine passion on display between these two terrible players screaming at each other like drunken girls. They narrowly edged Brian Daboll yelling at someone (perhaps the entire offense) for being unable to get one yard (well done, Potato Head). And lastly, the bench clearing brawl that offered so much potential but didn't amount to much. Nobody likes a tease.
Best NFL response to the worst Thursday night game of the season - Not sending a replay official to the game. Interesting choice, but I cant say I blame them. This is in reference to the opening drive "touchdown" catch by Antonio Gates that CLEARLY was not a catch. Then, later, we think they're reviewing an Eric Weddle fumble on a punt return when really the refs were just debating if diversity was an old, wooden ship used during the civil war or not. PLAY STANDS AS CALLED!
Best question to ponder on this week - The Chiefs haven't held a lead yet this season. Even Helen Keller has heard this stat by now. The last team to do so through 8 games was something called the 1929 Buffalo Bisons (who went on to win their 9th game of the season!). Lot of interesting facts from this 1929 NFL season. The Chicago Bears sucked. The Frankford Yellow Jackets went 9-4-5, while the Dayton Triangles went 0-6 in the same season. That's a 12 game difference between the teams (hey, maybe Goodell isn't so bad). Oh, right, the Chiefs. Well, the Bisons' franchise folded following this dreadful season, which remained anonymous up until this Chiefs team was so poorly put together, and coached so horrendously that they surged the Bisons into relevance. So, uh, I guess what I'm trying to ask, is should the Chiefs fold now?
Best Russell Wilson impression - Donald Stephenson, who felt so bad that the team wasted a 3rd round pick on him instead of Russell Wilson, that he tried to play his position just like Russell Wilson would. Only he plays offensive line and his plan backfired to the tune of a defensive TD. A for effort though.
Best line that I'm gonna fit in this article for little-to-no reason - Glenn Dorsey left the game with an (Ed Mc)calf(rey) injury. Oh, and I like "Girl, look at Ropati" Pitoitua, Dorsey's future replacement at DE.
Best claim to fame this Chiefs season - Former kickers taking the NFL by storm. Lawrence Tynes winnin' Super Bowls. Connor Barth layin' off that booger sugar. Justin Medlock is "just a kicker." Both Nick Novak and Billy Cundiff stopped in town for just one rib. I think I even saw Pete Stoyanovich nail a game winner in a Canadian Football game earlier this year.
Welp, that's all the ridiculousness that I've got. I realize this post was more all over the place than Ryan Succop's sidewinding 49 yard das boot, but I hope you enjoyed it more than just spouting off terrible stats and screaming "Fire Pioli" at the top of my lungs.
I'm His Dirkness?