The typical Chiefs fan is feeling like the late, great Randy Quaid in Major League 2 right about now. Well, okay, Aiken probably feels more like Randy Quaid in Independence Day ("I been sayin' it... Ain't I been sayin' it?). But for the rest of us, we are just waiting for this team to lay another egg; to blow it before the game even begins ("You make everything... disappointing"). We don't have a lot of confidence in this team's ability to play football at a professional level, much less win. As some of us have astutely pointed out, this team doesn't seem to be trying to win games, they seem to be trying to not lose them.
In light of this, I have developed my own "keys" for this game. Keys to not losing it:
Key 1. Open up the playbook: Literally, open it up. Show San Diego our plays and then tell them which we are going to run when. This way, Baldwin will be wide open when he runs the wrong route and Breaston and Bowe will be covered every time they try to catch the ball. Since Breaston and Bowe can't seem to catch the ball when they are wide open, maybe they can catch it while covered. "But that will just make for more tipped passes," you say. That leads right to the next point...
Key 2. Stick it to 'em: So since neither we nor the Chargers seem all that confident in our ability to catch or hold on to the ball, lets work out a deal with them, that they can use stick-em if we can. Not only do we have no tipped balls, we also don't have the goal line fumbles. Everyone on the team should use the stick-em except Jamaal. Why not him? after all he has had his share of fumbles too. I'm glad you asked...
Key 3. Jamaal shook up: after the last game, a lot of you were wondering: "could we possibly run fewer plays to Jamaal Charles?" The answer is: "yes, we can." We should not give the ball to Jamaal. Ever. Not once. Not running the ball. Not passing the ball. One of Jamaal's best attributes is that he gets the whole defenses attention every time he is on the field. That makes him a potent decoy. So run play fakes to him; fake draws, pump fakes, every fake imaginable. With each successive fake, they will be more convinced that the next play will surely go to him. Until it doesn't. A decoy unused is a useless decoy. Now you are probably thinking if we don't run with Jamaal, we are going to be too one-dimensional, that we will wind up passing too much. Which leads me to...
Key 4. Reverse psychology: As Sun Tzu wrote, all warfare is based on deception. The way to be successful is by doing the opposite of what is expected. We already do this well, with draws on 3rd and long for instance. But we can do better. Our run game should be exclusively reverses and double reverses, particularly to our relatively slow wide receivers, the killer B's, but also to our undersized slot guys, Dex and Wylie. After all, these guys work much better in space, how much more space do they have than in their own back field. More reverses will also open up our other offensive weapon: the flea flicker. Many of you will remember the great play we had last year with the flea flicker, when we lost the best quarterback on the team on his first play as a Chief. We should be doing that more often.
And my last point:
Key 5. Don't run in the red zone: Ever. And not just rushing plays. Don't run any plays within the opponents 25 yard line except a field goal. Don't run to center the ball. Don't take a shot at the end zone. If we can't score a touchdown from outside the 25, Just. Kick. The. Ball. This reassures the offense that they will get points if they can get in the red-zone, so they don't have to worry about screwing that much up. Think of the games we could have won if we had just followed that strategy. Baltimore... and that's about it. We could have doubled our win total for this season. That's a 100% increase to date for those of you who aren't so hot on the stats and such.
The point to these keys, as I said, is to not lose the game. As I see it, we aren't playing very well by trying to not lose games. In fact, we are playing like garbage. What if, we try to play like garbage? What if we try to hone and harness our garbage playing skills. Maybe if trying to play to not lose results in playing like garbage, then trying to play like garbage will result in us not losing. It makes sense if you don't think about it. Look at it this way, the way we have been playing so far has pretty well resembled human excrement. And as the late, great Randy Quaid (yes, I do know he's not dead, but saying "late, great" before an allusion makes it more impactful) Randy Quaid also said in the movie Christmas Vacation our "$#!!ter's full." It's time to dump it on the Chargers.
What Keys to Not losing did I miss?