Hello all...I am here today to bring you the all encompassing, sure fire, no-way-this-can-fail, only way to go this offseason, just win baby, don't call me Shirley, turn it up to eleven, Super Bowl or bust ways to fix the
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs.
Are you tired of supporting a team that toils in mediocrity? Do you want to show all your
insert last year's championship team Green Bay Packers friends that their team is not the only one good at holding shiny things above their heads while standing on podiums? These methods (amongst others) are proven to tone muscle and get you that beach bod...
...huh? Oh, right: they are guaranteed* to get your
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs the Super Bowl win that they most assuredly need. Join me, won't you, as I detail the moves the insert team name here Chiefs WILL and should make to hoist the trophy next year.
Before starting my methods, let's check out actual quotes from people who have used this method and recommend it to their friends!
Using the proven methods of Kalo's Offseason Program, or KOP (patent pending), I was able to utilize the talent on my team to consistently buoy expectations every year, even getting several prominent members of the media to pick my team to go to the Super Bowl! That's better than actually putting in the effort to get there any day! Thanks, Kalo! ~Norv Turner
What a great quote! How about this prominent member of the league?
After last year's disappointing playoff exit, I found that my team had extra room under the salary cap. Using the KOP (trademark pending), my team was able to spend ALL of that money prior to the start of the preseason. Afterwards, the media called us the "Dream Team", and everyone loves Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird! Thanks, Kalo! ~Andy Reid
It's true, Andy. Everyone does love those guys! And our last recommendation comes from a multiple Super Bowl winning coach!
A what? KOP? Get the hell away from me, I've got $%*^ to do! ~Bill Belichick
Wow! How can you not trust the system after glowing support like that? Let's get started!
Step 1: Go Get a Quarterback
Anyone who has watched this season knows that the
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs are lacking a competent quarterback to lead their team. Between option A Matt Cassel and option B Kyle Orton, the team is left hoping young generic rookie quarterback Ricky Stanzi can step in to lead the team. Listen to Kalo: THIS IS NOT THE WAY OF THE KOP! Look around the league. The most successful teams are those with good quarterbacks, correct? Now, look at statistics from two, three, or four years ago and compare them to today's quarterbacks. Notice any changes to the top ten? Good! Find those quarterbacks that were on the list two, three, or four years ago that are currently not in the top ten and trade a set of picks for him! Young quarterbacks are inconsistent and can't be trusted. A veteran that is a couple years removed from a top ten season has at least done it before! KOPtip: Finding recently injured or retired quarterbacks is a GREAT way to get the guy on the cheap. Teams are practically giving them away!
Step 2: Listen to Your Fanbase
The fans of your team have consistently supported the
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs throughout the years, and some are even what I like to call "die-hard fans". This is an untapped resource for an NFL front office! Did you know that these "die-hards" likely watch EVERY SINGLE GAME? Most NFL teams utilize scouting departments to evaluate their current players and to scout potential new players. Rubbish! By following what the "die-hards" want on message boards/blogs/social media, you can get valuable scouting information for FREE! Most of these "die-hards" know exactly which direction the team should go, and the precise components to make that dream a reality. Plus, you won't alienate your fanbase...on the contrary, you'll be a hero! KOPtip: Should a suggestion by one of these "die-hards" not work out to be a positive acquisition, raise ticket prices as a punishment. Those fans will pay ANYTHING to see their team, and it serves them right for the bad scouting!
Step 3: Utilize Free Agency
Every year, NFL teams let perfectly good players walk out their doors to explore what the industry calls "free agency". These teams are just silly! Think of all the great/used to be great/just okay now players that are out there for the picking! The best part about these "Free Agents" is that very few of them really care where they end up! Say a player doesn't want to play in the
insert geographical region here Midwest due to climate, location, or lack of "hotties". That problem is easily fixable with all the money you have lying around! Maybe a player claims he wants to play for a "winner" and someone who has a chance at winning the Super Bowl. Throw some more money in his face, and he'll be on the next plane to insert town where team is located Kansas City! KOPtip: Bring attractive women to the meetings with these players, perhaps on a yacht or private jet. This strategy works for college players every year, and they're getting paid half as much!
Step 4: Trading for Draft Picks
After acquiring all those high priced "Free Agents", you may find that your rosters are a bit crowded/expensive. Well, here's where the great are separated from the good: trade the old players! Do you have a high first round draft pick that is doing his job but not justifying the spot that you drafted him in? Trade him for TWO first round picks! Is there a guy on your team that is considered among the NFL's best, but is asking for a contract renewal? Trade him for FOUR first round picks! Did you accidentally acquire someone during the "free agency" period that wasn't on the "die-hard" preapproved list? Trade him for THREE first round picks! Before you know it, the
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs will hold every draft pick in the first round! Think of all the players your "die-hards" will want, and now be able to get! KOPtip: Remember, lots of draft picks means even more players to trade next year for more draft picks! It's a win-win!
Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the
insert team name here Kansas City Chiefs, it's just that simple. Your fanbase is happy, your players are happy, and you too will be happy. Just follow the easy four steps above, and not only will you win Super Bowls, they'll change the name of the trophy from Lombardi to insert your last name here Stout! For only seven easy installments of $3,999,999.99, I'll even come to your workplace, eat your food, drink your whiskey, and give sage advice for an ENTIRE season, including stuff that's so secret, I don't even know what it is yet! Order today, and give your fans the championship they deserve!
*NOTE: KOP, KaloPhoenix, and everyone associated with this organization is not held liable if you *%$# up, follow these guidelines, and get your ass fired. KaloPhoenix is, however, quite serious about the $28 million per season advisement fee.