Ramblings of an Idiot: Something for Nothing

Happy 'Nothing Worth Writing About Day' everyone. Sit back while I beguile you with a complete article about nothing, and yet something. I'm sure many of you will argue that I've penned many articles that were about nothing in the past. The difference is that this week it is my intention and goal to fill space in the blog-o-sphere with multiple paragraphs of nothing.

The Chiefs football season is over, but the playoffs and the Super Bowl have yet to be played. This means that although the Chiefs may be finished, the NFL season isn't. We cannot correctly describe the current time period as the off season. That should be clearly evident by the complete lack of off season news about Chiefs players, draft trades, or even a demotivating news story about the drunk driving arrest of a member of the red and gold.

That's right, there's nothing to talk about. Lucky for me, it's a whole lot of nothing......

Todd Haley doesn't have any evidence of his cell phone being bugged. The KC Star cannot prove a single allegation concerning secret audio recordings of any office or public space down at One Arrowhead Drive. Exactly zero tapes have been released of hushed conversations between the listening walls in the offices at Arrowhead. It's as if the spikey haired douche bag and his pubic-bearded brothers that star in the Travel Channel's 'Ghost Adventures' have taken over the national media's coverage of the Chiefs. You know the show, right? Three guys with homemade fake equipment that they call by technical sounding names run around in the dark while wearing night vision camera rigs completely over-reacting to the mysterious sounds (the salaried members of the crew banging things around in another room) and pretending the muffled and garbled gibberish on a tape are actual words. (only in the Chiefs case there isn't even any counterfeit tape being misrepresented as real). It's an entire show about nothing. The gullible and the believers buy into it because they want to believe, not because there's actually any real evidence involved. It's a show about nothing, and yet it entertains a whole host of audience members on a weekly basis.

There's a reason that the ability to prove the existence of absolutely nothing still manages to entertain some people. The reason is right there in the word: 'nothing' or no thing. If we can all just take a second or two to step back from reality it should be clear to see that nothing is a word that would not, could not, exist unless 'something' is also present. What would be the point of inventing a word to describe nothing if there were not something to compare it with? So then, nothing cannot exist without something and therefore something must be going on at Arrowhead. We just don't know what. Lack of knowing what's actually going on (the "real" reason Todd Haley was fired) has lead Mr. Haley to fill in the blank of nothing, with something. Namely, strange unsubstantiated feelings or suspicions of secret tapes, wire tapped offices, and mad scientist evil plots to tamper with cell phones. In the absence of something to read or discuss, the media and the blog-o-sphere have latched onto a story about nothing, and it continues to entertain thousands.

Maybe there's a grain of truth buried somewhere in that sandstorm of a story. Maybe, just maybe, ghosts really do haunt Auntie Linda's master bathroom toilet. After all, that's where the family flushed every last one of their dead pet fish (and at least 2 that were just sick, and not yet dead). Ohhhhhh... spooky! Toilet fish and urinal microphones haunting Arrowhead.

Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Carr haven't been signed by the Chiefs. There's no question that these two players are among the most talented on the team. As wide receivers continue to get bigger and bigger, it's a natural progression that undersized and fast corners are going to go by the wayside. Teams are going to need to go after taller corners that can match up against the leagues Calvin Johnson type players. The six foot tall Brandon Carr is an asset to the team, either as a starter or trade bait for draft picks.

Dwayne Bowe is the best receiver on the team. Even with his dropped ball issues, the Chiefs rely on him more than anyone other pass catcher. He was well coached by Haley and has improved greatly under Haley's tutelage. Bowe is a valued player for the Chiefs, and could be a valued player for many other NFL teams.

If you're searching for news about the Bowe and Carr's ongoing contract negotiations, demands, requests, desire to stay with the Chiefs, or really any other applicable news you will find: nothing. There's nothing for me to write about on that story front either. There is no news. Often times it's said that no news is good news, but I don't agree with that. In my experience, no news is the precursor to bad news. However in the current situation, i don't even know what would qualify as bad news. If we tagged and traded these players for a higher draft pick and took a QB, that's not bad news. If the Chiefs signed them to long term deals, that's not bad news. If these players were just forced to play under the franchise tag for a season, that's not bad news either. I guess a broken leg, or an arrest for strangling an albino cocker spaniel puppy on a public roadway would be bad news.

It's another story full of nothing, and therefore, full of something. We just don't know what the something is. Are these guys happy with the Chiefs? Mad at the front office? Excited to return for 2012 to play for Crennel? Irritated that they aren't tripping over piles of money every time they walk in their houses? Something must be going on with these guys, and the lack of reliable information leads quickly to sensationalist headlines. Go ahead and believe the people that say Carr is unhappy and likely to leave to play for Detroit, or that Bowe will follow Haley. After all, in the absence of something, anythings possible. But please, before you grab one of these stories and head off into the sunset, remember to pray to the haunted toilet fish and urinal microphones, least you anger their spirits and invite evil upon your sole (no that's not misspelled. How many times do I have to say it? We store our evil in our feet!)

So you see, nothing to write about equates to something to talk about just as well on Arrowhead Pride as it does anywhere else in the country, maybe even more-so for Chiefs fans. Here, we can all gather to discuss the great heaping piles of nothing. Round and round we go, making something out of nothing for lack of anything else to talk about.

Three months until the draft, four until free agency, and five to six months until teams start to gather for workouts and team meetings. Three long months that will be filled with mock drafts (read: speculation about the something that may or may not happen, after the great nothing has ended), 2011 season reviews and statistical analysis, and op-ed articles using levity to ease the football withdrawal pains that true fans always feel this time of year.

The only positive thing I have to say about the coming three months is that great periods of nothing always seem to involve in depth discussions about a whole lot of somethings that could happen in the coming season. If a Kool-Aid drinkers Manifesto truly does exist, I'll bet it was conceived from the nothing.

**Suddenly I have the urge to buy an albino cocker spaniel and re-watch "The NeverEnding Story"