Despite popular demand, I hereby present a recap of the Kansas City Chiefs’ year 2011:
The Chiefs look forward to the playoffs as they capture their first AFC West title in eight years despite San Diego only needing to win at Cincinnati to clinch the division. To show their toughness, Chargers players performed pregame warm-ups attired only in Under Armour briefs. The ploy backfires however, when extremely cold temperatures are measured only on the San Diego side of scrimmage. Phillip Rivers claims it to be the “worstest day ever.” Taking on the Baltimore Ravens at home, the Chiefs keep it close for 30 minutes even though heaps of Heap dominate as the Ravens keep on Heaping on, and on, and on, and on. In a bold halftime adjustment, Jamaal Charles, who came within three microns of beating Jim Brown’s record for yards per carry, is given the rest of the afternoon off with pay. Haley does or does not take over play-calling duties from Charlie Weiss who may or may not have his head in the game because he has just taken the head coaching job at Florida because he may or may not hate Haley’s guts, as he may or may not be overheard to say in a pizza parlor a few days later. Baltimore also makes halftime adjustments which include scoring more points than their opponent.
In February, the NFL owners’ negotiations with the NFL Players Union heat up, with each side realizing that billions of dollars are at stake. Aiken Drum, whose name can be rearranged to spell E. Ima Drunk, posts an insightful analysis of the situation, exposing the players as spoiled millionaires intent upon lining their own pockets at the expense of America’s game. Aiken officially announces there will be no NFL season in 2011.
With the NFL draft approaching, Chief’s fans show little interest. Of the 296,731 mock drafts posted on Arrowhead Pride, 154,127 of them (about half) mock Pioli’s penchant for drafting tight ends. The other 50% have already resigned themselves to the idea of getting a TE in every draft. When the players’ union decertifies, Aiken Drum objectively argues that the NFLPA is indeed the Red Horse of the Apocalypse as foretold by prophesy.
Using advanced techniques in differential calculus developed by Kim Kardashian, the AP Consensus Mock Draft shows Justin Houston at #1, Jerrell Powe at #2, and Rick Stanzi at #3. When Pioli ends up drafting Houston in round 3, Stanzi in round 5, and Powe in round 6, Pioli’s draft is renounced as an abject failure. Aiken Drum keeps AP updated on the NFL contract situation, likening the players’ union leader DeMaurice Smith to Hitler and Mussolini, while enumerating the seven plagues that will soon befall football fans.
Making the most of the offseason, Todd Haley, whose name can be rearranged to spell The Odd Lay, consults with the world’s foremost authorities on lockout shortened off-seasons. High atop a mountain in Tibet, a novel philosophy for this year’s training camp begins to crystallize in Haley’s mind. Aiken Drum, in his most rational analysis yet concerning the NFL contract situation, predicts that a massive meteor will collide with the Earth, knocking it off its axis, triggering a new ice age lasting 20,000 years.
Speaking of 20,000 years, the offseason seems to drag on for an eternity, and as training camp looms on the horizon with no collective bargaining agreement in sight, Aiken Drum sets himself on fire to call attention to the plight of starving NFL owners in Somalia. Chiefs’ offensive and defensive coaches burn the midnight oil, designing game plans around their centerpiece players, Charles on offense and Berry on defense.
In July, Chiefs fans thoughts begin to turn to free agency and AP members are unanimous in their desire to sign free agent DB Nnamdi Asomugha at any cost. AP members are also unanimous in their desire to sign free agent nose tackle Aubrayo Franklin at any cost. Additionally, AP members are unanimous in their desire to NOT sign Brodie Croyle at any cost, offering him a vacation home in Tahiti and naming rights to Olathe North’s football stadium. In a startling turn of events, Philadelphia signs all of the NFL’s free agents, thus assuring themselves of a Super Bowl appearance (at least). Amazingly, the NFL players and owners agree to a settlement just in time to make money. Chiefs training camp begins as players report to St. Joseph on July 26th.
August 4th was a very special day for all Chiefs fans who had been expectantly awaiting the arrival of their most favorite player. However, lost amid the fan excitement and media frenzy surrounding the Sabby Piscatelli signing, there were other late arrivals reporting that day, including veteran Tamba Hali, and the rookie Justin Houston, who had refused to report to camp until having consumed 200 cups of goldenseal tea. After his midnight visitation by the Mystic Elders of the Astral Race, Todd Haley institutes his secret strategy for the 2011 training camp. By eschewing any football activities whatsoever, tremendous amounts of time and energy can then be devoted to physical conditioning, movies, and rap concerts.
As the preseason games begin, Haley, always one step ahead of the competition, outflanks other NFL coaches who typically play “vanilla” offenses in the preseason, by unveiling his trademark “unflavored” offense. After Cassel looks totally inept during his 16 preseason snaps, he is named “Starter-for-Life”. Meanwhile, second-stringer Tyler Palko consistently moves the ball against third string defenses and rookie Ricky “Captain America” Stanzi also consistently moves the ball around the field while running for his life from 11 defensive “guys off the street”. On defense, Powe chases down everyone and everything in sight, ending every play with a highlight film “POWE!”, thus guaranteeing him a spot on the inactive list for the first 10 games of the year. Although losing all four preseason games, it is obvious that Haley has set his sights on the season opener and will have this team peaking at precisely the right moment. Tragedy strikes in the training camp locker-room however, as rookie wide receiver Jonathan Baldwin, totally unprovoked, throws a sucker punch at Thomas Jones’ jaw, resulting in Baldwin’s thumb being shattered into 47 pieces. Haley vows to keep the incident “in house”, at least until all of Baldwin’s bone fragments are recovered.
Speaking of openers, Chiefs fans are ecstatic when the season finally arrives with Buffalo at Arrowhead, and they breathlessly await the opening kickoff to Dexter McCluster, whose punt return against the Chargers on opening night set the tone for the 2010 campaign to the AFC West Division title. On the sidelines, Cassel and the Chiefs’ offense are "chomping at the bit" as they wait to take the field. Setting the tone for the 2011 campaign, McCluster fumbles the opening kickoff and the " not yet chomping" Chief’s defense takes the field first. Minutes later tragedy strikes as superstar safety Eric Berry is injured not once, but twice. Berry, who technically, was in Iowa at the time, is nevertheless taken down by a perfectly “legal” block , from Buffalo receiver Steve Johnson, and by “legal block” I mean that if Tom Brady had been the victim, the Rules Committee would have met in special session that very night to ban said block. After Kansas City loses its first game 41-7, Arrowhead Pride picks up 47,100 new members who are highly motivated to comment on exactly how much their beloved Chiefs suck. Speaking of sucking, faint whispers of “suckforluck” are first heard in the foggy mists of time. After a second dismal showing against Detroit, with Jamaal Charles becoming the third victim of ACLitis, AP is blasted with the deafening roar of SUCKFORLUCK that will continue to reverberate across the website for months. As the losses mount, Haley appeals to his players competitive instincts and challenges them to "play to win the game", the game of course, being "Cornhole". Thousands of AP members are sent scrambling for their dictionaries as the result of Aiken Drum’s “Petulant” post. Upon learning the definition, they begin showing sudden, impatient irritation, especially over some trifling annoyance, namely Aiken's "Petulant" post.
Speaking of brats, in October Arrowhead Pride is rocked by news that Upamtn posted a non-snarky comment with no discernible sarcasm. Ups soon admits to experiencing his first “senior moment” and vows to never drink another bottle of Robitussin on an empty stomach. When the Chiefs go a perfect 4-0 this month, the SUCKFORLUCK crowd becomes suicidal. Meanwhile, AP sets the record for website traffic when hundreds of thousands of posts castigate Pioli’s lack of foresight in not drafting a tight end in this year’s draft. After the Chief’s first win of the year, Todd Haley begins growing his victory beard, vowing to quit shaving until losing a game.
After a stunning 31-3 defeat at the hands of the previously winless Dolphins, Haley refuses to shave and instead refrains from any personal hygiene whatsoever. After a perfect 0-4 November, calls for Haley’s firing grow louder, especially from within Pioli’s office.
Todd Haley is finally fired just 13 days before Christmas which is unlucky (getting fired, and the number 13, not Christmas). Scott Pioli, whose name can be rearranged to spell I.C. Poo-Still, names Romeo Crennel as interim coach. With one week to prepare, and a new starting quarterback, Crennel defeats the Green Bay Packers, whose last defeat came during the Eisenhower administration. The city selects Crennel to turn on the Plaza lights retroactively. On the evening of the 24th, Pioli is visited by three spirits, the ghosts of football past, present and future, whose names are Bill Belichick, KC Wolf, and Wolf Blitzer. Upon awakening on Christmas morning and finding it had all been a dream, a changed Pioli sends a goose to Haley’s starving children and resolves to draft a tight end in 2012.