Ramblings of an Idiot: First Edition

Welcome AP readers to the first installment of ‘Ramblings of an Idiot.' The Thormans, in their infinite wisdom sleep deprived mistaken reply to the wrong email have given me the opportunity to present the AP readers with a weekly pile of hastily slapped together B.S. forum in which to post my most serious, non-argumentative, never offensive, well thought out and thought provoking writings.

I have listened to their advice briefly skimmed through their emails, while playing Portal 2’s co-op mode on-line on my laptop naked as a jay bird. (Boy oh boy, were the other people in the waiting room at the DMV ever hostile). After much enlightening discussion concerning completely ignoring directives about what would and would not be considered appropriate material for posting on an SB Nation website, I have thoughtfully considered my audience and decided to begin my reign as king of the idiots with an op/ed piece that I'm sure Chris and Joel would be proud to hang on the wall in their baby's nursery or the hallway of the local grade school.

Arrowhead4_medium

 I'll be the one driving the short bus.

 

So without further ado, my first topic: Pornography and the NFL.

 Let's begin by defining pornography:

 -noun

1) Obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

2) Writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate excitement

The NFL has no artistic merit (Sorry folks, sports are not an art). The NFL is full of obscene acts of violence and lawlessness. The NFL, in one form, is a film designed to stimulate excitement.

The NFL has owners, players, games, stars, role players, and generates billions in revenue.

Pornography has owners, actresses, movies, stars, role players, and generates billions in revenue.

In the NFL, rookie players and unknown young players work harder than everyone else to get a shot to play for an NFL club. They have extra practice sessions and more time in the film room, and they get paid very little (comparatively) for all their efforts. Their overall goal is to make a team and earn a starting opportunity so that they can make a name for themselves on the field. They rely on more established professionals to work with them and make them look good to the coaches, GM’s, and owners. Sometimes everything works out just right and a player establishes themselves as a budding star; but most of the time they are worked to the bone, have their bodies worn out, and spend their careers in a constant mode of trying out a roster spot.

In pornography, young unknown actresses must work harder than everyone else, and they get paid very little (comparatively) for their efforts. Their overall goal is be cast in a successful film that allows them to make a name for themselves and turns them into a star. They rely on more established professionals to make them look as good as they can to the directors, studio owners, and writers. Sometimes everything works out just right and they establish themselves as a budding star; but most of the time they are worked to the bone exhaust themselves working the bone, have their bodies used up, and spend most of their careers on their back on someones casting couch ‘trying out’ for a role in a movie.

In the NFL, the ‘star’ players have all the power. They have the leverage over management to make contract demands. They establish their own brands, sign endorsement contracts, take a cut of $100 jerseys and $150 fathead wall art, and get to choose when and where they want to work, and in some cases even who they want to work with. Non-star role players make up the majority of the league and play for much less money. They are almost never in a position to make demands even though the star could never shine without them. They don't get their name in the papers, and only the die-hard fan even knows who they are.

In porn, the ‘star’ actresses have all the power. Once established as a star they have leverage over the studios to make contract demands. They establish their own brands with a percentage of ownership in their films, sign exclusive contracts with studios, have licensed Real Dolls’ the price of small cars molded to look like them, lubricants with their name on them, get to choose when and where they want to work, and in most cases who they want to work with. Non-star role players make up the majority of the industry and work for much less money. They aren't in position to make any demands even though the star could never shine without them. They don't get their names in the paper, and only the die-hard fan even knows who they are.

In both the NFL and porn the role players and newcomers suffer inequitable treatment from management/producers for the sake of keeping the stars and owners happy. The 2nd swing tackle on the offensive line is not in any way represented in the current labor dispute. No one cares about what he thinks. He's just a cog in the union machine acting as a placeholder in the ongoing dispute. He just wants to play football, and get to work trying to make a roster.

The fluffer (if you DON’T know what a fluffer is….keep it that way. You really don't want to Google that) on a set with Jenna Jameson garners just as much respect. No one cares what she thinks. She has a role to play and is expected to swallow her opinions (as well as whatever else is shoved her way) and to be ready to work whenever the stars and the producers snap their fingers and call her to the set.

Chiefs-090801-ppk-310_medium

                                                                           This is NOT a fluffer

No one is concerned with her aspirations to ignite her own star by climbing up the ladder, just as no one seems to care about the role players and undrafted rookies that are desperate to get back to football so they have the opportunity to make an NFL roster. The treatment of the role players and the new comers in both the NFL and pornography is just this side of criminal. Make no mistake, the current CBA wars and courtroom lawsuits for T.V. money damages have very little to do with the role players or the new comers. The longer this dispute goes on the greater the odds will be stacked against those guys making a roster. And if either side of this battle REALLY cared about the fans they would be sitting down and working out a deal without waiting around for the court's rulings.

The obscene part of this whole mess is that without OTA’s and practices there are several hundred players falling further behind every day. The stars aren't with them to establish relationships and build trust. The coaches aren't on the field passing on schemes and knowledge to prepare these guys for a shot at making the roster. The GM’s aren't pursuing veteran role players that could add experience to the roster. If we ever do get around to having a season there are going to be a lot of role players and new comers that get cut, not because they don't have talent, but because no one cared enough to kick the stars and the owners in the face and force them to negotiate in good faith for however long it took to get the deal done.

82855_nfl_labor_football

 Apparently both industries have pimp hats

The NFL is pornography, at least in terms of the current labor dispute. It’s more obscene than a Sasha Grey group scene, and a lot less civilized. D. Smith continues to spout his constant rhetoric that sheds no light, makes no counter offers, tells no truth, and only adds fuel to the fire. Roger Goodell is hiding behind the 8th circuit court waiting to file the next appeal to counter any decision that would cost the owners money in damages. The fans should be disgusted. We should all look at this situation the same way our grandmother's would view a 2 hour MILF marathon that accidentally got aired on TBN (aka The Church Channel).

The problem with being a die-hard fan is that we're incapable of looking away, and the players and the league both know it. They may lose some fans, but they all know that once the games start up again most of us will be back on the edge of our seats to watch the team we love. The NFL is no different than pornography. The role players and new comers are getting screwed. The union lawyers and club owners are laying the pipe, and the fans that pay for it all...…..the fans are sitting in front of their Blue-Ray players with a jar of Vaseline and a box of Kleenex on the nightstand ….. waiting for the show to start.

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