I know you're busy, what with preparing to deliver toys all across the world to spoiled, entitled little ankle biters, err... I mean all the good little boys and girls... but I was hoping you would take the time to maybe check out my wish list, one Chiefs fan to another. Or at least I assume you're a Chiefs fan, because let's face it, who in their right mind dresses in red from head to toe if they're not a Chiefs fan? And not only that, but you do have the appropriate size and stature of the average Kansas Citian. I'm just connecting dots. Plus, there is photgraphic evidence on the interwebz of you at a Chiefs game:
Anyways, if you hear me out and grant my "Chiefsmas" wishes, just this once, I'll leave you something better than milk and cookies by the fireplace this year. How's a full slab of Gate's ribs and a sixer of Boulevard sound? Yeah? Got your attention? Good.
First off, I would like to start by saying I've been a very good Chiefs fan this year. Not like all those "naughty fans" you're always hearing about, what with their cynical, sarcastic, and overly analytical criticisms. No sir. Not me. But, hey, why am I telling YOU this, right? You know who's bad or good, so let me go ahead and get to my Chiefsmas wish list, for goodness sake:
First, I would like a nice shiny new Quarter Back. No offense (literally), but we found out the last QB you brought us was a cheap knockoff. He worked well enough to pass as a decent QB for a while, but then the paint started chipping and he broke. What's up with that Santa? This time around I'd like one of the door buster type QBs... you know, the high quality kind that everyone rushes to get and are usually gone in the first 30 minutes? There are a couple of good brands out there I have my eye on. The Barkley and RG3 seem like a good quality QB, I'll take either of those, if you'd be so kind. Unfortunately the Luck brand is already sold out, so unless you can perform some crazy Chiefsmas miracle, I understand if even you can't make that happen.
Second, I would like a new head coach. The other one started to stink, lose his fucking mind, and crap himself by 20+ points, so we put him out of his misery. Sad I know, but our GM didn't properly feed and water him, or supply him with all the things he needed to be a happy and healthy coach. It was best for all of us. I feel like the old coach will be in a better place now. I know what you're thinking... "why would I give these fans a new coach if they didn't take care of the last one?". Well I can't answer that, but I do think a coach with a better pedigree will have better success here. I hear that Fishers and Cowhers are good breeds. Very hardy and tend to be long tenured. I'll take either of those, please. But I swear Santa, if I wake up Chiefsmas morning and find a McDaniels under my tree, I will ship his ass back to you.
Last but not least on my Chiefsmas wishlist, is a new Right Tackle. The one we have now is worthless. Right Tackle is like opening socks or underwear on Christmas. You never really appreciate it, and it's kind of a bummer to get, but you sure as hell know when you need them. And right now it feels like our ass is bare and our balls are just hanging out for everyone to see. So yeah, a new pack of "the undergarments of the OL" would be great. I don't have any particular favorite brand. Draft, Free Agency, whatever. Just no thongs, please. We need to cover our ass.
Thanks Santa, and Merry Chiefsmas!