Well Sir, a promise is a promise. I promised you Lord if you helped the Chiefs win the Monday Nighter I would talk to you every week and you definitely lived up to your end of the deal…
First off, well done on Monday night. I was speechless (I can’t say the same for MNchiefsfan though). I can honestly say I did not see you playing the whole Miracle card, that’s for sure. That was truly a religious experience for many. However God, I am tempted to question your motivation behind what has been dubbed by many as the ‘Halloween Miracle’. I don’t think you did it to help the Chiefs; there I said it. Judging by all the “J.C.’s” yelled out by Charger fans and all of the “O.M.G.’s” yelled out by Chiefs fans, I am thinking you just recruited a few more followers. Coincidence? I think not.
Oh Omniscient One, in honour of said Miracle I would like to nominate a Kansas City Chief Player to be your next Saint. I believe in order to become a Saint one must perform a miracle and have it witnessed by many. So I am officially nominating #96 for miraculously snagging the ball out of the pits of Hell following the ‘Phumble’ in front of literally millions of viewers. I used to call him STUDebaker but I think St. Udebaker sounds even better.
Dare I say us APers witnessed another, smaller miracle? We all saw Craig in Calgary use the words ‘like’, ‘impress’ and ‘quality’ while describing Matt Cassel’s play. I was stunned, just stunned to read this…
Anyway, on to business. Lord, I feel we have a good working relationship now and I would like to keep it going. Again, I am not going to be greedy, I want to maintain my humility in this, my time of need. God, I am asking you to help the Kansas City Chiefs be victorious over the Miami Dolphins this Sunday. I have been quite stressed all week about one thing with this game. I am worried Dear Lord that the Chiefs will fall victim to a common affliction know as Emotional Hangover. Please Lord; help the Chiefs fight through their shortened week and their emotional high to a focused preparation for the game. I do truly feel you taught them all to be humble during those first three games so I do not feel the success will go to their head, but I do not want them to come down from their high and play sluggish. Again, I am not asking for a blowout victory this week and I would never presume to ask for a miracle, but I would like to ask for a good game Dear Lord. Maybe not so close this time?!? I fear for the health of some Chief fans if they have to go through another nail-biter. I would kindly ask Dear God for a 31-14 victory.
As for the Miami Dolphins, I do not wish harm upon any of these players as I did to Antonio Gates last week. I know you are fond of that which is one of your greatest creations, the porpoise, so I would never ask you to hurt one. However, I do feel they have not learned the virtue of humility. Their coach is a wannabe judging by his goatee and their running back spends more time doing pizza commercials than practicing and building a rapport with his teammates so I feel they need another lesson in humility Dear Lord and this is a great opportunity to impose your will upon them.
I feel as though I owe you another concession this week after how well you treated me last week. So this week I promise you this Dear Lord: The number of bottles of beer I consume on Sunday will not reach double digits. You’ve known me for years (obviously) so you know how much of a sacrifice this will be for me.
Lord knows You know I failed to do this on Monday. And as I promised you last week Dear Lord, I will continue to talk to you on a weekly basis if you can grant me and all of the hard working, law abiding Chiefs fans this one request. Thank you.