Well, that was fun for about a quarter pounder with cheese.
(Or maybe since it was in New England - a Royale with cheese.)
And then Rob Gronkowski happened. He ran down the middle of the field wide Gronkin' open. And he Gronked his way right through Kendrick Lewis's weak tackle attempt (is that dude tackleable?). And then I watched the mother Gronkin' replay…
Worst blitz attempt I ever did see - Donald Washington, who comes around the edge freely, appearing to have a wide open shot at The Golden Boy, Tom Brady's back, and he attempts a wrap around tackle of his far leg. WHAT?!? I watched this play maybe ten times trying to figure out if I was crazy or if he was terrible, and I had the jury (my two buddies) convinced of the latter. If he makes any contact whatsoever with the nearside of his body, the pass is altered and the Chiefs are able to maintain their quasi-momentum.
Worst feeling as a fan - Watching your team dominate the action only to have the opposition rip off one play and take a definitive lead in the game. Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you punt on 4th and inches from the opponent's 36 yard line (but don't worry, there's a much better chance of recovering an onside kick).
Lets get it…
The Best and Worst w/ His Dirkness:
Best play to run on 3rd/4th and 1 - QB sneak. This play seems to work 95 percent of the time. Even when it doesn't work, the officials usually give the offense the benefit of the doubt and mark off a first down because it's so difficult to see where the QB ends up at in the pile. Instead, the Chiefs line up and run crazy motions trying to get them to jump offsides? I just don't comprehend the inconsistency in decision making. Haley takes a giant risk with a surprise onside kick but won't take the minor risk of 4th and inches in the opponent's territory? As a 17-point underdog? On the road? Without your starting QB AND your best two players? On national television? If either of those plays had worked, then Haley gets all the credit. If they didn't, it wouldn't matter, because his team was expected to lose anyway. It gave me the impression that Todd Haley was trying to show the country he's a genius he was with such "innovative" decisions rather than doing his best to actually win the game (which I have a big problem with).
Best explanation - Todd Haley feels like he's already been fired and is auditioning for another job. He's fighting the PR fight, and I don't necessarily blame him for it. But he did his best to make this game all about him (he knows his standing with Scott Pioli better than anybody). The quick sprints to the line (loved it), the motion sickness play (loathed it), and his inexplicable reaction to the illegal touching call on the onside kick (could he have possibly wanted to challenge that? Or was he simply filibustering the game so his decision could receive more praise on air?). I can't tell you how I'd react in a similar situation, but I'll certainly have my eye on Haley over the next six weeks to see if he's coaching more for himself or for the team (which might be the best indicator of his job status).
Best illegally motioning team in the NFL - The Kansas City Chiefs. See how optimistic I am by calling them the best and not the worst?
Best news for Kansas City Police - They can scratch Thomas Jones and Wallace Gilberry off their missing persons list. Clearly, The Wasted Down was motivated by my article from last week, while G-berry (my favorite player throughout last year) enjoyed his finest game of the season (doomed by the dreaded dominating training camp curse).
Best defensive strategy - Fielding 12 players (ESPN's starting lineup for the Chiefs defense displayed 12 players). That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Was this the key to holding the Patriots scoreless on their first four drives? Maybe. But the defense impressed me last night. They had Tom Brady legitimately rattled in the first half. They did a good enough job in the running game. They held the Patriots to 4-of-13 on third downs. DJ made a hell of a play on the goal line. They made Wes Welker look like Chad Ochocinco (was Javier Arenas on him most of the night?? I didn't see many double teams. Can anybody explain?). And they made Gronkowski look like Chet from Weird Science (oh he always looks like that?).
Best question to ask - Is Glenn Dorsey fit for this defense? They sure didn't seem to miss him much last night. They got after the QB and did a decent job stuffing the run without him. His contract ends after the 2012 season, and if last night was a sign of what's to come, I think the Chiefs should explore trading him in the offseason to a 4-3 team where Dorsey might flourish.
Worst fans - Anybody booing the Patriots team in the first half. Are you kidding me?!? Look there's an art to booing your own team. If you're losing 41-7 in your home opener to a team who went 4-12 the previous season, then you should boo. If you get beat by 28 points to a team with an 0-7 record, then you should boo. If you get run over by a service academy team, then you should boo. If you think Bill Muir is doing a good job, then you should get booed. If you're losing 3-0 in the second quarter fresh off a 20 game home winning streak and you boo, then you should be Gronked upside the face.
Best chance to keep The U's touchdown streak alive - Allen Bailey on the kick return right before half. Did he not know what was at stake? I think this deserves a reprisal of Clinton Portis idiotically standing in front of the camera showcasing that proud University of Miami ejukation.
Best job in the world - Jon Gruden. He gets drunk on praise in the booth, delivers overemphatic statements that carry no weight whatsoever because nobody takes him seriously anymore, and spends his time thinking up trades involving NBA players coming over to the NFL, where he not only picks a position for each of them, but gives them a team to play for. Meanwhile, he maintains his reputation of a top notch NFL coach, despite winning his Super Bowl with Tony Dungy's team behind a defense that he was probably never even in the same room with. Forget Charlie Sheen, Scowlface is the one who's winning.
Worst news for Cassel supporters - Tyler Palko had a better command of this offense. Now command is a very subjective term, but he seemed to have a good control on everything going on and I felt confident in him (he even went through progressions a few times!). And was I the only one noticing that there were no playcalling disasters last night? Could it have been Cassel's fault? I'm not in a rush to declare that, but if that problem dissipates over the next six weeks, then I won't have any problem pointing the finger at Cassel.
Worst news for Palko supporters - He's got limp noodle syndrome. His deep balls look like Tim Wakefield's knuckle balls. I like Palko, but he's even more limited from a physical standpoint than Cassel is, which means he could never have a future in this league. And for that reason, I want to see what Rick Stanzi can do.
Worster news for Palko supporters - BREAKING: Kyle Orton just became available. Would I give him a shot? GRONK yeah, I would. Nothing to lose at this point. A possible Orton/McDaniels reunion in Kansas City? Hey, they put up points. And he rocks the N'eard!
Best reason to sign Kyle Orton - Cassel < Orton.
Best drinking game to play during future New England games - Whenever the Patriots send out Zoltan Mesko to punt, the last person to throw up the Zoltan sign from Dude, Where's My Car takes a shot. You might not drink much in the regular season, but everyone should get hammered come playoffs…(zing!)
Best way to spend your next six Sundays - Cheering on the Washington Redskins (3-7), Miami Dolphins (3-7), Seattle Seahawks (4-6), and maybe the Cleveland Browns (4-6). These are the teams that should be targeting QB's in the 2012 Draft (assuming the Colts take Andrew Luck). For all of you Matt Barkley supporters out there (very impressive on Saturday), if any of these teams earns a higher selection than the Chiefs, you can kiss him goodbye.
Luckily, the Chiefs probably won't win more than one game the rest of the way, so we have as good a chance as anybody.
Does somebody want to check with the NFL and make sure they wanted to keep the Chiefs and Steelers on in primetime next week? Can this be added to the list of reasons to bash Roger Goodell?