The Kansas City Chiefs have officially been Tebowned.
I was unclear on the definition of such a magical mystery force until yesterday, but now I have seen the light. When a QB can complete all of two passes against you and lead his service academy team to a victory over your NFL team, you have officially been Tebowned. Now I know what it feels like. And it's prettttttttay pretttttay pretty disheartening.
But there was something bigger happening on Sunday. Much bigger. Bigger than Jon Gruden's Tebowner (hey now). Something so big that it transcended the game, the NFL, and maybe even life itself. And it was right there staring us all in the face…
Best rivalry in the NFL (according to CBS) - Dusty v. Britton: Colquitt Bowl III. And this time…it's personal. I (unofficially) counted 38 references to the battle of the punters (which helped me cover the over/under of 32.5 with ease). Unfortunately, our boy Dustin Colquitt went down with a (inside the) 20th round KO to brother Britton.
Now that you're all good and lubed up, lets get to the messy part of this procedure...
The Best and Worst w/ His Dirkness:
Worst list to make - There was so much to dislike about yesterday's game that the only good debate left for today seems to be what was the most discouraging? What can you not get over about this team? Here's my list…
Worst - The Chiefs had one positive force working for them on offense yesterday, and they only went to it on nine of 62 plays. On those nine plays, Jackie Battle amounted 61 yards (6.8 yards per play). On the other 53 plays, the offense gained 197 yards (3.72 yards per play). In the immortal words of
past Chiefs legend Grandmama, "It's not a chess game, it's checkers."
Worster - This was a home game (coming off an embarrassing loss) against a divisional rival (with a QB who receives way too much attention) with first place on the line, and I wasn't convinced that the team even cared. That's not good. Where was the passion? I saw Jovan Belcher give a crap. Johnny Baldwin seemed fired up. The others seemed like they were out there enjoying the nice Sunday afternoon.
Worstest - Somebody in the franchise with power (most likely Todd Haley) actually comes to the decision that Thomas Jones deserves carries every week. I cannot get over this. You wanna know what Thomas Jones' stats are from the previous four games? Alright, as long as you're seated for this - 21 carries for 38 yards. That's a rockin' 1.8 yards a carry. And I'm surprised it's that high. Could you imagine if we took those 21 snaps and simply threw the ball out to Dwayne Bowe to see what he could do with it? It would result in more than 38 yards, I can guarantee you that. From here on out, Thomas Jones will be referred to as "The Wasted Down."
Best PR man in the business- Bill Muir's guy. I don't think I've heard a single person criticizing him today. How has he gone unscathed? My guess is because most people consider him a puppet under Todd Haley's control. But he is calling the plays right? Or is that just a farce? If he's only in the booth to sit and look pretty, I think they should find someone prettier. I hear Dobber from Coach is available.
Worst gameplan - Romeo Crennel. The Broncos came out and ran all over the Chiefs. How was the defense not ready for this? Denver had just got done running all over Oakland. But far too often, the Chiefs defense sat back with two deep safeties, despite little passing threat to speak of, conceding an easy four yards on the ground, usually more. And I blame the scheme over the personnel because eventually the defense settled down and did a good job of shutting down the run.
Worst part about Andy Studebaker's game - Keeping containment on runs bounced to the outside. I've taken notice of him maybe eight times this season. Once for coming up with the fumble against the Chargers and the other seven times for this.
Best time to put Rodney Hudson in the starting lineup - Today. No more Ryan Lilja. Please and thank you.
Best time to put Jared Gaither in the starting lineup - Yesterday. If Gaither is healthy enough to block field goals then he's healthy enough to play right tackle. No more Barry Richardson. Please and thank you.
Best AFC West player over the next decade - Von Miller. This dude looks scary good, even if most of his four hits on Cassel came a bit late. I kind of enjoyed his homaging to Derrick Thomas.
Best Steve Taskerisms - Tie between, "It's almost comical how inaccurate (Tebow) is" and "now THAT was a bad pass" after Tebow skipped one in the dirt.
Best thing you can do as a returner - Run forward. Fast, preferably. Javier Arenas has fallen in love with running laterally, gaining little actual yardage. Did you know Devin Hester was a return specialist chosen in the second round too? Oh well, atleast he's good at CB right? D'oh.
Worst decision - Todd Haley not shaving. Look, I'm all about the beard, but if you announce you're not shaving until the team loses, and then the team loses, you'd better shave. He's gotta follow through with the plan. That's discipline. It's no wonder Steve Breaston lined up wrong on Johnny Baldwin's spectacular catch. Speaking of which…
Best non-catch I've ever seen - Johnny Baldwin. Maybe not the best catch I've ever seen (Marvin Harrison's bobble-tap has always been my NFL gold standard, while this Morgan State catch may be my favorite), but the best to ever result in no yards, hands down (should be an award for this). Eerily similar to this catch from Alabama WR Tyrone Prothro (thrown by our boy Crodie Broyle). My best catch ever search also led me to this beauty. Alright, I'm done.
*BREAKING: Matt Cassel is likely out for the season (just so we're on the same page here).
Best thing about this news - The Chiefs didn't win yesterday. Think about it. If they had won the game, they'd be tied for first place. While everybody is hesitant to believe in the team, you'd still be excited about the possibilities of this season. And then this news hits you today.
Worst thing about this news - The Chiefs are planning to start Tyler Palko over Rick Stanzi. Why? Palko has no future in this league. Stanzi has a better chance of becoming the eventual starter of this team (this is dependent on him going by Rick, of course). Why not throw him out there and see what he's got right now? Because we'll kill his confidence? So what. At least we'll know for sure that this team needs a new QB.
All that being said, I actually feel excited to see how Tyler Palko performs. The rest of this season was gonna be a snooze fest anyways. I'm having dreams of a Gannon-like resurgence, but nightmares of a Landry Jones wasted Draft pick. What rookie QB do you guys like? Lets poll it…
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Which rookie QB would you like to see the Kansas City Chiefs select in the 2012 NFL Draft (given the circumstances)?
Andrew Luck (trading every 2011 Draft pick to move up) (413 votes)
Matt Barkley (trading 2011 2nd round pick to move up) (404 votes)
Landry Jones - 1st round (321 votes)
Robert Griffin III - 1st round (468 votes)
Ryan Tannehill - 2nd round (35 votes)
Brandon Weeden - 3rd round (125 votes)
Russell Wilson - 5th round (31 votes)
Kellen Moore - 5th round (123 votes)
1920 total votes