FanPost

Todd Haley, Cornhole and Limericks!

Alright my peeps.  I'm back.  My last post (Ribs, Jack Battle and Beards!) seemed to have been well received by the AP faithful, so I think I'll be trying to get one of these out each week.  But first off... WHOOO BOY!  EAT THAT RAIDERS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I know it's Wednesday, and we're moving on to the Whale Vagina Chargers on MNF in 5 days, but I have to take one final moment to bask in the glow of the epic ass whooping the Chiefs put on our Most Hated Rivals.  That was freaking awesome.  Every starting DB got a pick.  HAHAHAHA.  Derrick Johnson was a one man wrecking crew for 5 consecutive plays.  He almost single handedly kept the NFL's #1 rushing team out of the end zone 4 consecutive times.  HAHAHAHA.  Bowe, Breaston and Cassel basically got a free practice session in because our defense dominated the Faiders in epic fashion.  

The Chiefs defense has shown some real moxie in the last 3 games and it kind of gives me hope that maybe even with an average QB we can get somewhere this year.  They shut down the Viking's run game, they shut out the hapless Colts in the second half, and wheeled out a turnover machine against a confused and conflicted Raiders team (aka a normal Raiduh's team).  Flowers got rec'd as the AFC Defensive Player of the Week even though DJ was no slouch.  We had at least 2 pro bowl performances from defensive players against Jokeland.  Ahhh.  It feels good to be a Chiefs fan.  Just shutting out the Raiders in Oakland for the first time in our long rivalry makes this season a success.  

OK.  On to the meat of this post.  Come with me as I talk Todd Haley, Cornhole and Limericks! (Words of warning... this post is rated M for mature due to adult themes, adult language, and proposed violence against a certain GM)

Todd Haley:  The Man.  The Myth.  The Bearded One.  

I've gotta come clean and admit to my hopeless man crush I have on the Chiefs Head Coach... no homo.  At least not as homo as the apparent lip locking man crush going on between Tim Tebow and Demarius Thomas.  There's just something about Haley that makes me want to pick up an ice pick and shank Scott Pioli mob style if he even thinks about firing Haley.  Maybe it's that Haley and I share the same interests:

 

The epic legend of ruggedness he's started with his dirty ass hat, black hoodie and 4 week old beard gives him an animalistic magnetism that draws people in.  He looks like a modern football coach.  He doesn't look like the dapper Hank Stram.  Not that there was anything wrong with Stram's look.  Stram was Stram.  Haley is Haley.  And Todd Haley ain't no 3 piece suit wearing, monocle donning, cane swinging pretty boy.  Hells no.  He's a swearing, screaming, sideline prowling, mad-man that will demand that Brodie "snap the fucking ball", and finger wag douche bags like Josh McDaniels.  Todd Haley is a man on fire.  He loves the game, he loves the team, and everything else is just an after thought to him.  He looks like he's been living in his office at Arrowhead, scribbling plays on the wall and watching game tape for hours on end.  And the majority of people love it.  Women love him.  Men want to be him, as evidenced by the legion of "Grow it til we blow it" faithful.  Seriously.  Hide 'yo chicks, hide 'yo wives... because Todd Haley be bearding everybody out here.

 

Or maybe it's just that Haley has the Chiefs playing hard... and likely above their once perceived talent levels.  I mean think about it.  Even prior to coming here, Haley had the reputation as a hard nosed coach that demanded the best out of his players.  Great players like Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston all gave praise to Haley as an instrumental part in their successes.  Then he shows up in KC and instantly put Dwayne Bowe and Derrick Johnson in the dog house.  And 'lo and behold... Bowe and Johnson became better players and are giving praises to Haley.  Seriously... Bowe has looked better than any Chiefs WR I've ever had the privilege of watching. He seems faster, stronger, more focused and it's showing every game.  And two of DJ's last 3 games had me in awe of how dick stomping brutal he's become in run defense.  His ability to coach up players is part of why I have a man crush on Haley, but I don't think it ends there.  

See... there's the down to business coaching side of Haley I just described above, and there's also the famous "player's coach" side of him too.  You all remember Herm, right?  He had a reputation as a "player's coach".  Putting up "welcome" signs to training camp?  Babying his players, insisting that "they're getting better"?  Not Haley.  Haley has somehow managed to ride these players like a bunch of Arabian Thoroughbreds... and yet still has them eating out of the palm of his hand, as evidenced by these things the players recently said about him:

"It’s like you’re out there with another player," - Fullback Le’Ron McClain

"We love him, man.  That’s like our brother."- Cornerback Brandon Flowers 

"There’s a method to his madness.  If you see him rough and nasty like that, that’s how the game is going to be." - Wide Receiver Dwayne Bowe

I don't know exactly how Haley has managed to combine his hard as nails technique with a player coach mentality, but I have my guesses.  Things like movie day during training camp, going to rap concerts with your players and just generally being a funny and charismatic person are likely reasons the players like him.  And at this point they surely recognize that his tough love produces results.  But there's one thing that cannot be overlooked that Haley has brought to this team that has undoubtedly played a large part in getting them where they are... and that brings me to my next segment:

Cornhole:

I don't know how the hell you get a bunch of grown ass men in a professional sports team's locker room to play Cornhole together, but Haley deserves mad props for doing it.  I can just see how this went down:

Haley (dragging a big box filled with lacquered wood and bean bags into the locker room):  "Alright guys.  Time for some team building exercises... Cornhole."

Lilja:  "Dammit coach, I thought you said we wouldn't have to play that anymore now that Shaun Smith is gone.  Bowe is still seeing a shrink about that shit."

Bowe:  "Yeah, I still occasionally wake up in a cold sweat screaming 'NO HOMO!!!'".

Haley:  "What?  No... not that Cornhole.  I promised I'd never let anyone hurt you again with a bad touch. You know that.  This is a yard game where you throw bags filled with corn onto a lacquered plank of wood and try to get it in a hole."

Cassel:  "Hells yeah.  Sounds like my kind of game."

Haley:  "I dunno Matt.  Accuracy and consistency still comes into play."

Cassel (Grabbing a bag and tossing it through the hole for 3):  "BOOYAH!! Matt Cassel just cornholed you up!"

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Seriously though, I'm digging the fact that Haley brought a yard game into the locker room to distract the players from the bad start and used it as a method to build some camaraderie between them.  I got the chance to play this for the first time about a year ago, and I do have to admit, it's a fun game.  Cornhole is definitely the type of thing you can do with some bros while tossing back beers... no homo.  I just find it ironic that Cassel is apparently the Locker Room Cornhole Champion because every time he steps on the field a good portion of the Chiefs Nation feel like they just got fucked.    

Limericks:

One other thing I need to make a confession to:  I love poetry.  So I'm gonna share with you guys some Chiefs related rhymes in the most eloquent and sophisticated type of poetry I can think of.  Limericks.  

 

The Raiders thought they'd win with Boller.

"The Chefs can't beat us!" the fans hollered.

But when the CHIEFS came to town, 

Their secondary threw down,

And flattened those posers like a steam roller.  

 

B. Flowers took his pick 6 to the goal,

And marched right up to the Black Hole

He Captain Morgan-ed that ball

And almost started a brawl

But they couldn't do shit 'cause of parole.

 

Rivers comes to Terrorhead on Halloween Night

When costumed lunatics in red will ignite

A fountain of Phillys tears

And Chiefs-backing cheers...

We won't give up this Division without a fight!!!

 

Coach Todd Haley is planning a show

Starring favorites like Johnson and Bowe

On our divisional quest,

We must take back the West 

Bend over Chargers... it's time to play Cornhole.  

 

One last thing.  It's Charger's week, and I'd just like to kick things off by borrowing a quote from the infamous Ron Burgandy:  

Fuck you and the Whales Vagina you rode in on.  

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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