UPDATE: Now with sweet polling action after the jump
With this whole Jim Schwartz vs. Jim Harbaugh kerfluffle, it's a safe bet our own favorite kettle-o-rage will have to up the ante this year by droppin some 'bows, or at the very least throwin a cheap shot at an opposing coach after a game.
The real question is which coach? For a complete game by game odds break down let's take a meander to the other side of the jump, shall we?
|@ Oakland||Sun 10/23||3:05 PM CDT|
Hue Jackson (week 7): 10-1 odds
Honestly, this would be even lower if there wasn't some "strike while the iron's hot" and because it's in Oakland. Also, the tread water 2011 Chiefs could easily lose this one. But add whatever "ghost of Al" connotations are implied and fists remain staunchly in breakaway pants, win, lose or draw.
|San Diego||Mon 10/31||7:30 PM CDT|
Norv Turner (week 8): 30-1 odds
Even his Todd-ness isn't gonna punch out grandma. Norvbert would have to run up the score, resign Merriman for one game to put a hit on Cassel's kneecaps, and I don't know, tell Todd he's poor from chipping range and his Camaro looks cheap. Not happening.
|Miami||Sun 11/06||12:00 PM CST|
Tony Sparano (week 9): 5-1 odds
If people are still talking about the Schwartz v. Harbaugh matchup 3 weeks later, look for this one to go to the mat. "Daddy Parcells never liked me as much as you!" It's at home, Miami teams are always chippy (for some ungodly reason?) and these guys both probably derisively address their players with "hey guy" when they screw up. Also, the loser of this one is not going to be a happy camper record wise.
Two reason why this won't happen: Sparano will probably be wearing glasses at the handshake and the potential awkwardness around the Parcell's family get togethers... "hey Scotty, remember when your guy Todd took a potshot at Tony? Yeah, that was a real Jap move."
|Denver||Sun 11/13||12:00 PM CST|
John Fox (week 10): 12-1 odds
Fox is still the "new guy" in the AFC West and no one wants to see the impromptu Kurt Warner style prayer session Tebow would insist on should such an outbreak occur. Besides, following McDaniels anyone seems so unhateable that there's no way you don't come across at "the bad man," which the Todd is willing to be, just not at home with old man Fox just making his way. That said, never know, Haley could go WILDCARD RIVALRY SON! HEADSHOT! Not likely though.
|@ New England||Mon 11/21||7:30 PM CST|
Bill Belichick (week 11): 6-1 odds
You had us at "grumble, grumble." This is the true test of our theory Todd Haley thinks NFL coaching is like "The Highlander." Really, even better than fisticuffs would be a mutual stare down with both coaches walking off the field with two minutes to play and an uncertain outcome. It's likely a mutual respect off with no respect given. Something tells us this is impossible, but an angry storming off to each sides respective sail boat/camaro would be amazing.
|Pittsburgh||Sun 11/27||7:20 PM CST|
Mike Tomlin (week 12): 50-1 odds
Everyone knows Haley's got a soft spot for the Steelers and no amount of "I'll show the world Dad" could make you mad at Dr. Foreman. Where the shit did he get those sweet shades from Reebok anyway? Never happen, not in a million years. Too much familial guilt there.
|@ Chicago||Sun 12/04||12:00 PM CST|
Lovie Smith (week 13): 35-1 odds
Poor Lovie Smith, the man's Schottenheimer-bit. He's a defensive guy with Jay Cutler for a QB. The management is supposed to bring him the O to get over the top, but the hearts just not there for the pretty boys. Haley has some love for the Bears and can't work up the proper angst for a tussle against a team like that at Soldier field, no way. On such hallowed ground his rage goes inward. Expect some extremely bleary eyes following a loss though.
|@ New York Jets||Sun 12/11||12:00 PM CST|
Rex Ryan (week 14): 3-1 odds
Whoo-hoo boys? You hear that? It's a RYAN and this is NEW YORK CITY (...get a rope). Thomas Jones spirit animal may fuel Haley's roar. Sure, we win this or are still skating by with a winning record it'll all probably be shit and shinola. BUT, just but, say we got a hot seat situation. And say old Rex gets up big and wants to run it ups some. And say ole Rex gets to guffawin and glad slappin up and down the sideline. THE TODD DOES NOT ABIDE. Oh no Sir.
Now there's the fact that Rex has probably got a straight bill, bill twenty on the Todd. Well, we'll see, but we could see some Haley rage, at least a finger, and if this coach tough guy stuff is still floating around. Boom, haymaker, maybe a hockey-style v-neck sweater vest grab? Does Rex go all Nolan Ryan vis-a-vis Robin Ventura on the Todd? MAYBE. All we're saying is that if Coach Haley ends up with one coach-fight induced black eye this year, look for it in week 15.
|Green Bay||Sun 12/18||12:00 PM CST|
Mike McCarthy (week 15): 1000-1
First, a loss is expected. Second, look at McCarthy's bio via wikipedia:
"Todd, you ain't gonna trrow hands witt big bro Mikey are ya yuh ole yinzer yoo." No "yer not" way no how.
Hue Jackson (week 16): 20-1 odds
At this point in the season if we're losing at Arrowhead, the arrow points at Todd, this is the acceptance/despair stage if things have gone south. We could see some resentment, some old hatreds from a place neither coach really understands. But anger? We're saying some coarse words at most. MOST.
|@ Denver||Sun 01/01|
John Fox (week 17): 13-1 odds
The odds are slight higher here just because it's the breaking point. It's a scene of previous transgressions and things could get personal. This is a game that if the Chiefs have the 2012 AFC West back in their sights and Todd Haley is still the head coach, they better win. Otherwise it's job saver. Regardless, it's a make or break game. Could a bit of foul play push the man here? Oh it could. Likely? No, but if Haley attacks another AFC West Coach this year (probably not physically) look for it here (week 7 still gets our odds for physical violence [just for sake of getting in on the party and not getting fired], but this is the hands down favorite for finger wagging).
Tony La Russa: 100-1
Who knows, some Missouri charity thing, all we know is it starts: [slurred] "ehh awwa Tadd owwha bout you get them cowtowner to learn tah wim AMMMIRIGHT?" Maybe Todd has a thing about transitions lenses or hates squirrels or puppies or Glenn Beck or just GETS this whole Kansas City thing. Regardless, this is our favorite scenario.
PROP BET: 5-1 if such an even occurs, Ned Yost some how breaks it up with a strange farming implement or a fork.