The Kansas City Chiefs 2010 Year in Review

From the FanPosts. -Chris

I was sitting at my computer recently, bored out of my mind, when I started thinking about this post on AP about the biggest Chiefs stories of the year.  I had remarked in the comments that it would be fun if someone did a Dave Barry-esque satirical review of the year in Chiefs news, and when I have nothing better to do I frequently just open up Microsoft Word and start typing something.  So this time I decided to give my own suggestion a try with a less than serious look at 2010 for the Kansas City Chiefs. 

Initially I had no intention of anyone ever reading this (as I was really writing it only as a cure for my own boredom).  However, at a certain point I began to realize that my pet project had ballooned in size to a point where I had written an awful lot of text for something that no one was ever going to read.  And so, heart in my throat, I decided to try my hand at turning it into my first ever FanPost. 

I make no promises in regards to quality of content, spelling, or grammar.  I tried to edit and revise it competently, but it still might go on way too long, make no sense in some spots, or just generally suck.  Nonetheless, I had a great time writing it and so, with any luck, one or two people will enjoy reading it (even if only a little).

And so, without further ado, The Kansas City Chiefs 2010 Year in Review:

January:                                                          

2010 starts off well for the struggling Chiefs when they wrap up season play on January 3rd with a surprising and resounding 44-24 beat-down of the Denver Broncos in which Jamaal Charles runs for approximately 700 yards and six touchdowns while Derrick Johnson, amazingly, intercepts every one of opposing quarterback Kyle Orton's pass attempts.  The victory moves the Chiefs to 4-12 on the season while the Broncos (more importantly) finish 8-8 and out of the playoffs as a result.  The game ends on an awkward note when Coach Todd Haley, in an attempt to address concerns that he is frequently off-putting and impersonal, squeezes Josh McDaniels' ass in lieu of the more traditional post-game handshake.

The news keeps getting better for the Chiefs afterward, as former New England Patriots and Super Bowl winners Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are brought in to be the new Chiefs offensive and defensive coordinators, respectively.  The City Council attempts to complete the "New England-ization" of Kansas City by inviting the Boston Celtics to play their home games at the Sprint Center, but the deal falls apart at the last minute when veteran big man Shaquille O'Neal refuses to play unless the facility is renamed the Shaq Center.

Despite the Chiefs' positive end to a less than stellar season, the rest of the month's festivities are somewhat overshadowed by a nervous tension over the soon to expire collective bargaining agreement - a tension that is only somewhat lifted by the hilarious manner in which the AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers choke in their first playoff game against the New York Jets.

With the Chiefs firmly out of the playoffs, however, mock draft season begins in earnest in Kansas City as fans begin to argue over whether or not the Chiefs should select an offensive tackle with their first round draft pick, and whether Branden Albert's "natural" position is really left guard or right tackle.

February:                                                                                                           

The good news keeps coming for the Chiefs beginning in February when left guard Brian Waters is presented before the Super Bowl with the NFL's prestigious Walter Peyton Man of the Year award - following in the footsteps of such great humanitarians and past winners as O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick, and Ray Lewis.

February is not all good news for the Chiefs' offensive line, however, as right guard and 2009 Kansas City Chief Mike Goff is cut from the squad after it is determined by team doctors that he has actually been dead since about midway through the previous season.  Chiefs fans pause briefly for a moment of silence, then go back to arguing about whether the Chiefs should take Eric Berry, Russell Okung, or Rolando McClain with their first pick, and whether Branden Albert would be a "natural" fit at center.

March:

March blows in to Kansas City like a lion with excitement over the upcoming draft and the beginning of free agency reaching a fever-pitch.  The Chiefs get the ball rolling by re-signing veteran linebacker Mike Vrabel to a one year contract despite his initial desires to retire and spend more time with his great-grandchildren.  2009 waiver pickup and surprise contributor Chris Chambers also receives a new three year deal - at which point he vanishes into night, never to be heard from again.

Chiefs GM Scott Pioli also kicks off free agency in a big way by signing veteran halfback Thomas Jones to help split carries with Jamaal Charles after discovering that giving Charles more than 300 carries in a season against opposing teams is technically in violation of the Geneva Convention.  The Chiefs also attempt to shore up their receiving corps with the addition of former Arizona Cardinal Jerheme Urban.  Unfortunately for all parties, Urban shatters every bone in his hand and upper arm while signing his new contract and has to be placed on IR.  Meanwhile, defensive tackle/end Shaun Smith is brought in to help provide some depth along the Chiefs' defensive line and immediately expresses his gratitude by giving Scott Pioli an unsolicited crotch-grabbing.  Finally, the Chiefs attempt to patch up their iffy offensive line with the additions of Casey Wiegmann and Ryan Lilja.  Chiefs fans are generally pleased with the signings, but some wonder where Branden Albert will play if Lilja ends up at right guard.

Such questions are not given much thought, though, as mock draft season continues to spiral out of control.  Fans continue to debate whom to select with the fifth overall pick, and whether or not Ndomukong Suh could play left tackle.

April:

By far the biggest event in April is the NFL draft and the twists and turns of the 2010 edition don't disappoint.  Most Chiefs fans are thrilled when Eric Berry is selected in the first round, then confused when the Chiefs take a bunch of other players who no one has ever heard of, but who all seem to be team captains.  Fans begin to wonder who Tony Moeaki and Kendrick Lewis are, and if either of them can play nose tackle.  After a lackluster 2009 draft, concerns are voiced that Scott Pioli might not know what he's doing.

But most of the real draft drama happens surrounding the players the Chiefs don't select.  Alabama defensive tackle Terrance Cody falls all the way into the second round when he accidentally eats a scout during one of his interviews, and projected top ten pick Jimmy Clausen plummets similarly when he reveals to ESPN that his favorite TV show is ‘Gossip Girl.'  The Denver Broncos cause perhaps the biggest stir, though, when they send their 2011 first round draft pick, Brandon Marshall, and Josh McDaniels' soul to the Vatican in order to move up and take Tim Tebow at the bottom of the first round.

May:

Though Scott Pioli and the Chiefs front office begin to hammer away at signing their 2010 draft picks, the month of May is dominated by wide receiver Dwayne Bowe who reveals in the latest issue of ESPN The Magazine that Chiefs players under former coach Herm Edwards would "import women" to their hotel rooms during away games.  Though Bowe later claims that his quotes were somehow misleading and taken out of context, linebacker Derrick Johnson is never able to satisfactorily explain away the receipts for Russian mail-order brides he tried to deduct on his taxes as a "business expense."

Yet Bowe's P.R. issues don't end there and he soon finds himself in hot water again after being quoted in a different interview about his developing chemistry with quarterback Matt Cassel saying, "It's like an extra year with your girlfriend trying to map things out. You know, those quarterbacks, they're like my girlfriend. No homo."  Hurt by Bowe's words, a devastated and teary-eyed Cassel throws his promise ring in the trash and locks himself in his room for the next two weeks.

Chiefs fans, finally fed up with all of Dwayne Bowe's antics, begin to speculate that Scott Pioli should just cut Bowe and finally move Branden Albert to his "natural position" of wide receiver.

June:

The beginning of summer also coincides with the deadest period for NFL news as not much happens around the league save for a few OTAs.  Desperate for any fresh pigskin news, NFL fans everywhere get excited as ESPN begins hyping the upcoming World Cup as "the greatest football event on the planet."  Disappointment quickly sets in, however, as the festivities are revealed to be just a bunch of dudes playing soccer. 

In Kansas City sports news, oft injured halfback Kolby Smith is cut from the team after he accidentally bests Todd Haley in a round of golf.

July:

July begins on a disappointing note when tight end Brad Cottam's neck injury from the previous fall is found to be more severe than initially thought and he is placed on IR.  Chiefs fans begin to speculate that perhaps this will leave room on the roster for Branden Albert to slide over to his "natural position" at tight end.

In other news, former Kansas City wide receiver Eddie Kennison signs a one day deal with the team in order to retire a Chief.  Dwayne Bowe, who played with Kennison during his breakout rookie season, commemorates the momentous occasion by importing some women for him while Shaun Smith helps celebrate by grabbing Kennison's crotch.

But the real excitement begins at the end of the month with the beginning of NFL training camps everywhere.  In a surprising turn of events, Eric Berry signs his contract in time to make to St. Joseph, Missouri for the start of training camp at the Chiefs brand new practice facility.  Inspired by Berry's "go get ‘em" attitude, former Raiders first round draft pick JaMarcus Russell decides that it's finally time to end his nearly two year contract holdout - only to discover that he's already been cut from the team.

August:

Training camp rolls right into August, where it starts becoming more and more apparent that guys like Dexter McCluster, Javier Arenas, Tony Moeaki, and Kendrick Lewis are all over the field making plays.  As a result, concerns are voiced by a visibly upset Jason Whitlock that Scott Pioli might just know what he's doing.  Unable to cope with such thoughts, Whitlock flees the city and takes a job with Fox Sports.

But the rumblings of a potential football renaissance in KC are not ignored by ESPN, who take note of all the positive developments surrounding the Chiefs over the last eight months and revises their season prediction for the Chiefs to a 5-11 record and fourth place in the AFC West.

Meanwhile, Chris Chambers briefly re-emerges from hiding to marry his current girlfriend and former stalker in the creepiest wedding ceremony of all time.  When asked by Haley whether his reappearance means he has any interest in participating in the upcoming season, Chambers merely laughs, throws a smoke bomb at his feet, and disappears into a conveniently hidden trap door.

There is little time to focus on such matters, though, as the KC area gears up for all the excitement surrounding meaningless preseason football.  After much ado about just how little one's record in the preseason actually matters, fans are outraged over the Chiefs' 1-3 finish and a perceived lack of production from rookies like Eric Berry.  As a result, concerns are voiced that Scott Pioli just might have no idea what he's doing.

September:

September kicks off with a surprise after Chiefs C.O.O. and President Denny Thum unexpectedly resigns his position after Scott Pioli leaves a severed horse head in his bed.  This leads to rampant speculation among fans that Branden Albert might be slid over to his "natural position" of Chief Operating Officer and Team President.

Shortly thereafter, the Chiefs see more personnel changes as discontented safety Jarrad Page finally signs his tender and is traded to the New England Patriots for an undisclosed draft pick and a pile of magic beans (size and number to be determined at a later date).

But there's little time for all of that as the season kicks off with Monday Night Football at the newly renovated Arrowhead Stadium.  After the Chiefs pull out an upset victory over the Chargers, San Diego is widely praised by the media - both for Phillip Rivers' bravery in playing in moderately heavy rain and Norv Turner's brilliant strategy of once again completely screwing around until November and then barely making the playoffs by the skin of their teeth.

But the Chiefs continue to impress well into September, racking up impressive wins over the dominant Cleveland Browns and powerhouse San Francisco 49ers - thanks in large part to contributions from rookies like Tony Moeaki and Dexter McCluster.  As a result, concerns are voiced by San Diego, Oakland, and Denver that Scott Pioli might just know what he's doing.

Miraculously, Kansas City enters the bye week 3-0 and as the NFL's last undefeated team.  ESPN revises their prediction for the Chiefs to a 6-10 finish while Shaun Smith celebrates by touching everyone on the team below the belt.

October:

But adversity finally finds the Chiefs in October, when they drop their first game of the season to the Indianapolis Colts after Dwayne Bowe drops two crucial red zones passes in a row.  After the game, Bowe consoles himself by importing some women for his hotel room.

Kansas City loses again the next week after the Houston Texans mount an amazing fourth quarter comeback win.  The Chiefs seem to have the game well in hand until Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson attempts to get open by shooting strong safety Eric Berry in the kneecap, then planting the gun on cornerback Brandon Flowers.  Flowers is called for the penalty and promptly arrested as Houston advances to score on the drive, effectively ending the game.

Yet the Chiefs bounce back with two home wins a row against Jacksonville and Buffalo.  The Jaguars come into Arrowhead missing their top 7 quarterbacks and are forced to play with a scarecrow wearing full pads under center in a 42-20 rout.  Kansas City then squeezes out a close victory against the Buffalo Bills, who amazingly finish the 2010 season 0-16 after becoming the first team to lose every single one of their games in overtime.

November:

November fails to get off to the start Todd Haley would like, as the Chiefs lose back-to-back games on the road to division rivals in Oakland and Denver.  More controversy follows after the Denver game when Todd Haley, not wanting a repeat of January's awkward incident, swings too far in the other direction and doesn't shake Josh McDaniels' hand at all.  The media erupts in a firestorm of controversy that lasts well into somewhat later in the week when Brett Favre does something new to distract them.

Afterwards, KC gets back on track nicely with back-to-back blowout victories over the Arizona Cardinals and Seattle Seahawks.  At the end of the two week stretch, fans and the media are surprised to realize that Dwayne Bowe leads all wide receivers, tight ends, and running backs in touchdowns, while Jamaal Charles leads the NFL in yards per carry and ranks second in total yardage.  To celebrate, Todd Haley imports women for the entire team.

December:

As December begins, the weather starts to get colder while the playoff race in the AFC West continues to heat up.  After avenging their earlier loss to the Broncos in a 10-6 victory (during which Rich Gannon actually falls asleep from boredom) the Chiefs prepare to hit the road for a potential season defining game against the San Diego Chargers. 

Unfortunately for the Chiefs, tragedy strikes quarterback Matt Cassel in the form of appendicitis.  He undergoes an immediate emergency appendectomy and is eventually ruled out for the weekend's game in San Diego.   

The game itself is an absolute massacre as the Chiefs lose 31-0 after the team, upon deciding that they want to visit Cassel in the hospital, subsequently hires the 2008 Detroit Lions to stand in for them in San Diego.  Brodie Croyle, always forgetting to check his email, doesn't get the memo and is the only Chief on the field when the Chargers pull within a game of Kansas City for the AFC West lead. 

The Chiefs enter the next game against the St. Louis Rams with a great deal of trepidation over whether or not Matt Cassel will be able to play.  Luckily Cassel is able to bounce back from surgery and leads KC to a 27-13 win over the Rams.  For his courageous performance Cassel is rewarded with a Purple Heart, a Congressional Medal of Honor, and a hand job from Shaun Smith.

After winning all their games against the NFC West by at least two touchdowns, the Chiefs are named division champs and given their pick of any of the four NFC West stadiums to host a playoff game in.  But the Kansas City Chiefs have greater aspirations than conquering the NFL's worst division, and so set their sights on the next opponent - the Titans of Tennessee.

The next week is a fortuitous one for the Chiefs, as they cruise over the Titans in a 34-14 romp on the way to a 10-5 record while the Chargers choke away their shot at the playoffs with a loss to the God-awful Cincinnati Bengals.  After the game Phillip Rivers expresses confusion over the Chargers' situation - apparently having been operating under the assumption that the regular season didn't actually count for anything and that San Diego got to go to the playoffs no matter what.  ESPN revises their forecast for the Chiefs' season and predicts a 7-9 finish.

As the year draws to a close for the Kansas City Chiefs, it is announced that Jamaal Charles, Dwayne Bowe, and Brian Waters have been selected for the Pro Bowl at halfback, receiver, and guard respectively, while Branden Albert is selected at his "natural position" of left outside linebacker.  Matt Cassel, sadly, loses the third QB spot to Peyton Manning when an obscure clause in the rules reveals that all Pro Bowlers much have intact appendixes.  Shaun Smith attempts to console Cassel by grabbing his crotch.  Charlie Weis, upset that he wasn't selected to the Pro Bowl at nose tackle, turns in his resignation and heads to Florida where he hopes his defensive prowess will be more appreciated. 

Nevertheless, the Chiefs stand proudly at the end of 2010 as they look triumphantly into the future and all of the promise that 2011 brings.  Will the Chiefs avenge their earlier loss to the Raiders?  Will they finally win a playoff game for the first time in more than 15 years?  Will anyone ever find Chris Chambers?  The answers to these questions and more await on the other side of the new year.