Top 10 Football Mustaches


From the FanPosts  -Joel

"A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without Sugar"

-Old English Proverb

Happy Friday Arrowhead Pride. Today is a good day. Spring has sprung, looks like I will go for my inaugural round of golf this weekend and I'm here to have a little Friday fun and talk about something wonderful. The Mustache.

I have often loved a good mustache; It takes a good man to be able to pull off the nobel growth. Unfortunately throughout the years mustaches have become as popular as me at John(Obviousman)'s dinner table. Well fear not fellow mustache lovers, as I have created a list of Top10 mustaches in Football history. Lucky for us, there is several connections to our beloved Chiefs that have graced my list. So without further adieu, I bring you the list:

10. Joe Montana.


I'll start of the list with the legenday QB Joe Montana. He probably doesn't deserve to crack the top 10 but I put him on for several reasons. a) Chief connection b) Alltime great c) Very solid handlebar mustache. Joe Montana isn't known for rocking the Fumanchu, but he pulls it off great, especially with the golden locks. Perhaps if he would have rocked the shache for his entire career, he wouldn't have been replaced with Steve Young, wouldn't have been shipped off to Kansas City and I'd never have been a Chief fan. Maybe it's a good thing he shaved.

9. Jeff Hostetler.


Ahhh the Hoss. Little known fact about the 1990 season*. Hostetler who was drafted by the New York Football Giants in 1984 played very sparingly behind Phil Simms. On a dismal December evening in 1990 Jeff was on the brink of self destruction. He wasn't playing, his family life was in the shitter and he had been drinking heavily (as most mustached men do). He was about to do something stupid when the door knocked. In walked John Oates from the legendary Hall and Oats who told him about the Great Mustache God. The Hoss prayed to the Mustache God all night and the following Sunday Phil Simms broke his foot, Hostetler took the reigns and the Giants won the Superbowl. A few years later Hoss got cocky and stopped praying to the Mustache God and then was shipped to Oakland.

*Facts were made up

8. Bill Cowher. 


Another Chiefs connection. This legendary mustache was the Chiefs defensive coordinator in 1989-1991 before going to Pittsburgh where he gained fame and fortune as a Superbowl winning coach. He was also rumoured to come back and coach the Chiefs in 2009 following Herm Edwards' (Also owner of a creepy mustache) departure by Real Estate Predictor, the infamous Guppy. Cowher is said to be able to grow a full mustache in 4 hours from all the watering it gets from constantly being spit on.


7. Jeff George.


Jeff George, or Jay Cutler v1.0 as he is often refereed to also has a legendary porn stache. Unfortunately he was unable to harness the power of the stache into a formidable football career as he never lived up to his potential. He has such a big arm that when he was in Indianapolis that he threw the ball from his own 14 yard line to the 36 yard line, in Washington. Jason Whitlock with all in infinite wisdom often lobbied to bring Jeff to Kansas City as he would have fit in nicely and he wanted to get a mustache ride from him.

6. Jared Freaking Allen


Oh Jared you beauty, you should still be a Chief. I can't write anymore without tearing up, so I will just move on. I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

5. Mike Ditka



The Coach is a great way to start the Top 5. Known as the architect of one of the greatest defenses in NFL history, Mike's Mustache was a microcosm of his coaching style. Tough and ridged yet manicured to perfection. Ditka shaved his mustache  for a brief time in 1997 when he was coaching for the Saints and went temporarily insane and traded his entire draft class for Ricky Williams. It must be noted that while the 1985 Bears defense is mostly responsible for its Super Bowl title, Ditka leaned very heavily on Walter "Sweetness" Payton who just missed this list.

4. Coach Romeo Crennel.


Another Chiefs connection. Romeo has a sweet mustache and like Ditka, it is solely responsible for his defensive prowess. I asked him what would happen if he ever shaved his stache and all he replied was "Generally, there would be hoopla involved"

 3. Joe Namath.


First of all, the only reason Broadway Joe is on this list is because of the sweetness of his mustache. If I was asked who the 2 most overrated QB's in NFL history Joe Namath would be either #1 or #1a with Troy Aikman. He has a career 65.5 QB rating and threw 220 ints to 173 TD's. That all being said, he has a great Handlebar mustache. Another reason why he is so high on this list is he is solely responsible for the greatest sports clip in modern history when he got pissed on national television and tried to kiss Suzie Kolbert. His mustache certainly isn't "Stru-gelll-ing"

2. Ben Roethlisburger.

Ben Ben Ben. I'm not saying you are a bad dude per se, but you got to stop getting yourself into these situations. And if I could give you a piece of advice (Other than put down the pizza and grab a couple celery sticks) it would be when you are standing in front of a judge and jury at your trial and have to attempt to convince them you are not a sexual deviant, maybe don't rock this mustache.

1.Jake Plummer.

Simply put, this is my favourite sports picture of all time. Jake Plummer (to the best of my knowledge) never wore a mustache, but when he sat down and posed for his picture that would be used whenever they introduced him on TV, or on the Internet, this beauty would be show. I know he ended his career as a Donkey and for that I will never forgive him, but I still put him #1 on my list. Just look at that grin on his face! Hahahaha.


So that's all I got. I am sure I missed a couple of good ones including this guy who also barely missed my list. So what say you fellow Arrowhead Priders, who has the best mustache in Football?

Thanks for reading and Happy Friday,


This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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