A.P. Fanz Diagnosed with Mock Draft Orgasmic Disorder (satire)
by Bewsaf on Mar 25, 2010 10:47 AM CDT
Email
Print
Missouri Resident A.P. Fanz has been diagnosed with Mock Draft Orgasmic Disorder, according to a memo sent Wednesday to the office of SB Nation. This disorder is characterized by a delay or absence of climax following the normal excitement of reading or creating a mock draft.
via lyitl.org
This disorder often manifests itself by recurrent obsessions or compulsions to read and create endless mock draft scenarios, which are severe enough to interfere with general blogging activity. These obsessions or compulsions, however, never satisfy the patient to the point of orgasm.
A.P. Fanz has been referred to a therapist to undergo an experimental behavior modification. According to the therapist...
...a protocol has be developed that focuses on self-control and release.
Therapists caution patients who try to seek unqualified professionals to address these self-control and release issues.
...attempting to tamper with either of them may produce confusion, disorientation, or permanent loss of orgasmic sensation in any endeavor. (that would be a bitch)
A.P. Fanz has missed the last two days due to testing for the Mock Draft Disorder more commonly known as "shooting blanks". He was last seen posting mock draft version 245.1.a.3 in which no productive difference was seen from his previous mock.
This disorder is highly contagious and can affect several different members at once. It is recommended that all members at AP Nation be tested by their physician or personal care aide. If you have any two of the symptoms below, please contact your doctor immediately.
- You create an avatar in the likeness of your favorite draftee. (extreme caution is recommended)
- Patient starts playing Madden to see what trades he/she can make. (Not looking good)
- Arranging your alphabet cereal in the draft order of NFL teams. (You're becoming obsessed)
- Start listening to songs like 'A Boy Named Sue' because it has the name of your favorite draft prospect. (You got it)
- Start seeing impressions of Rolando McClain in things like your stool, toast, or your wife's cellulite. (You're in the Schizophrenic stage)
- Have your wife read your latest mock out loud during intercourse. (You're one sick bastard)
If you have experienced any two of the above symptoms you may need a special elixir that can only be acquired through your physician or Bewsaf Distributing Corp.
Send $10 to:
Bewsaf
143 Snake Oil Drive
Ripp Oheff, Missouri 95762
Past Bewsaf posts:
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.
44 comments
|
14 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Haha
Rec’d just for the alphabet cereal, good stuff Bewsaf
Winning isnt a matter of life and death, its more important than that.
most excellent, Bewsaf ... rec'd and much appreciated
in all liklihood the best “mock draft” post of the year
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
Well two out of six symptoms probably isn't bad, cool post Bewsaf
and no, I’m telling which symptoms I have
Official Member of the Draft Chuck Berry Fanclub
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
My lady & I
like to put Mike Mayock on and just let things lead where they may
D.J. #56 - Pay The Man & Play The Man
The only thing more lame than mock draft's is the sarcasm font.
by KansasCityShuffle on Mar 25, 2010 11:26 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs
open your wallet NOW you sick, twisted ... {{grinning}}
but wait, that’s not all! order RIGHT NOW and get this Ginsu Steak Knife Set a Bewsaf autographed copy of A Fan’s Letter To Clark Hunt FREE!
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
BwaHaHa.
Nice.
I was concerned when I saw I completed the first condition. Thankfully I’m free of the others. Although the last one was close. She read it to me during foreplay.
2/3 of the Earth is covered by water. The rest is covered by Eric Berry.
by Red N Gold Beast on Mar 25, 2010 11:34 AM CDT reply actions
you still need help ...
… and you still need to send in the money, only in your case we make an exception and you send it to me instead of Bewsaf
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
Is he paying for services rendered?
Getting some mileage out of those falsies, I see.
The Chiefs will see a return to respectability in 2010, emerging as the front runner in the AFC West! ....And I'll quantify that however I choose. Ahem.
Therapy hasn't been woking.....
guess I’ll have to send you the $10 for the elixir…. and my therapist said “medication wouldn’t work.” Man… I knew I was wasting my money on her.
Ripp Oheff, Mo. Is that near St. Louis?
Brodie's better than Cassel
What if..........
on Madden I created 4 of Eric Berry (all with 99 ratings of course) signed all 4 to the Chiefs and am starting him at all four secondary positions?
Official Member of the "Draft Eric Berry" Fanclub
and the "Team O'Callaghan at RT" club
then you might have a better secondary for your game, but your disconnect from reality would reach critical mass ...
… if it hasn’t already … you’re afflicted, seek help now
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
You may call it a disconnect from reality,
I call it PURE AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go play some Madden and see if I can get all 4 Eric Berry(s) into the pro bowl.
mumbles to self while walking away: “I’ll disconnect him from reality”
Official Member of the "Draft Eric Berry" Fanclub
and the "Team O'Callaghan at RT" club
Why stop at DBs?
Make bigger Berries and put them at LB and DL too.
2/3 of the Earth is covered by water. The rest is covered by Eric Berry.
by Red N Gold Beast on Mar 25, 2010 12:57 PM CDT up reply actions
While you're at it...
Why not a 350lb Berry at NT, a 200-210lb one for RB (to spell JC), and of course, QB Berry.
Heck, a real Berry fan plays Madden with “The Right 53” consisting of all Eric Berry.\
That whole bit was obviously tongue in cheek.
SWEET!!!!!!!!
Then I could combine all the stats for one stat line.
Today vs. Denver Eric Berry was 24/30 for 310 yrds and 3 TDs. He also had 150 yards rushing with 2 TDs and 310 yards receiving with 3 TDs. On defense he had 41 tackles, 2 Ints, 3 sacks, 2 FF, and a FR.
Official Member of the "Draft Eric Berry" Fanclub
and the "Team O'Callaghan at RT" club
by KCporkchop on Mar 25, 2010 1:30 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
I fear it may be too late for them ...
… they have Maddenitis Syndrome
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
Is that why I can't feel my thumbs anymore?
Official Member of the "Draft Eric Berry" Fanclub
and the "Team O'Callaghan at RT" club
Rec Chop
Rec Bewsaf
"For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius." Scott "Young Frankenstein" Pioli
by Steve_Chiefs on Mar 25, 2010 4:33 PM CDT up reply actions
Dammit
I hate it when the kids watch :)
"For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius." Scott "Young Frankenstein" Pioli
by Steve_Chiefs on Mar 25, 2010 4:34 PM CDT up reply actions
Whatever dude...
I don’t have a problem and I don’t need any help. By the way check out my latest mock!
1a. Suh! – he will fall
1b. Cody! – trade up w/ Cowboys (2a, switch 3b w/ Cowboys 3rd, 4th)
2a. Hernandez! – Dorsey Trade
2b. Roberts!
3a. Tennant!
3b. Ward! – DJ Trade
5a. Beadles!
5b. Angerer!
5c. Thurmond!
O god, I gotta go. I’m about to splouge in my pants. Ahhhhhh!
yo, Bleed ... I think you missed the point of the post ...
moreover, there’s a place for mock drafts and this isn’t it … in fact, the place to post was just put up by stag-the-great earlier today, but hey … what do I know, I’m just another dumb Chiefs fan
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
Yo Ups...I think you missed the point of my comment...
moreover, you need understand that it is satirical in itself. You see I was trying to come across in denial of my disease, only to expose that I’m infected. Its called irony. But, what do I know, I’m just another dumb Chiefs fan.
by I_Bleed_Red. on Mar 25, 2010 4:31 PM CDT up reply actions
well why didn't you SAY so in terms that a DUMB CHIEFS FAN could undertand?
"I shall conquer untruth by truth" - Mahatma Gandhi
Whitlock Rocks!
hi, Mo!
5 minutes!!!
by upamtn on Mar 25, 2010 4:46 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Lol...
I’ll work on my irony. Maybe someday I’ll take the act the road.
by I_Bleed_Red. on Mar 25, 2010 4:52 PM CDT up reply actions
Wreckx n effect
The Chiefs will see a return to respectability in 2010, emerging as the front runner in the AFC West! ....And I'll quantify that however I choose. Ahem.
Thank God you didnt mention
repeatedly watching the same highlight clips on youtube of certain prospects. I was worried there for a minute.
The studs from the 2010 draft class will be: DT Ndamukong Suh, S Eric Berry, RB C.J. Spiller, RB Jahvid Best, WR Arrelious Benn, WR Golden Tate, WR Mardy Gilyard, OT Charles Brown, CB Kyle Wilson and S Chad Jones
I have watched to much game film
in my life to put that down. That would be like revealing that I was messed up. :)
Bewsaf
Rec again Bewsaf
My ailments are not draft related.
I need a post to argue with you about :)
"For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius." Scott "Young Frankenstein" Pioli
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
SBNation.com Recent Stories
In Association With
Shutdown Corner - NFL - Yahoo! Sports
- Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley arrested again; now has more NFL arrests than NFL sacks
- Former high-school star Brian Banks does serious time on trumped-up charge, now hopes for an NFL shot
- Former ‘idiot kicker’ Mike Vanderjagt in trouble after accosting junior-high heckler
- Adrian Peterson blows teammates away in footraces; appears to be on the mend
- UPDATE: Charlie Sheen didn’t buy Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl ring
