Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADE Offseason PARADAFTERNOON DELIGHTBULATION (Brought to you by the good people at K-Y)

via www.motherearthnews.com

Oh boy!  The offseason, a chafing dry expanse of barren nothingness crescendoing in a pathetic puff of dust.

"Pffff!"

Fortunately, the PARADE (sponsored by K-Y) is here because like Sting we miss you dear reader like the desert misses the rain...

Look, we know some of you are super excited about the draft.  [makes air onanism gesture]  {that's right, comin at ya highbrow this week AP}  And really that's great for you, if you can convince yourself that fantasy scouting is exciting as gladiatory weekly war games leaving men you couldn't ever possibly take in a fight crippled for life good for you... good FOR you...

We don't even know what the one girl is talking about there.

That said, the PARADE is here dear reader, to bring you joy for the off-season, joy that requires no amount of strangely homoerotic evaluations of male college seniors.

FIRST, Jefe's News

We'll be honest, after the regular season the PARADE pretty much packed up their interest in the NFL.  We kinda like the Eagles just because (as stated ad naseum in previous Paradebulations) McNabb is cool because he's completely oblivious.  We'll leave it at that.

Anyway, so far the Chiefs biggest off-season news or "Charlieo" has us particularly steeped in "mehhhh."  It's incredibly impressive we have two former head coaches as coordinators now, but it's kinda like the time you were half drunk and made the perfect cocktail and keep trying to repeat it but can never get the proportions right.  We're mixing an early Patriot's drink with Dr. Rocket and Tom Brady & Teddy Bruschi were the Dr. Pepper...  bad analogy?  We're sorry.

As an apology here's a real drink invention...

The RuPaul (the original name was so offensive it can never be repeated)

via halifaxhottopics.files.wordpress.com

Anyway it's dark and glittery, like RuPaul, err something, yeah, gross, well, so uhm it's half diet coke and half goldschlager.  Are we pleased we invented the most delicious but effeminate drink ever?  No, but will we take another?  Yes, please.

So back to Los Jefes, people seem to get jazzed about offensive coordinators way too much.  Whitlock thinks Weis is our head coach if the Toddman blows the first half of the season.  This could be Whitlock's own masochist fantasy, but O-coordinators do seem to get the HC nod first.  For all sorts of reasons we hate that scenario, but more importantly, up or down for next season Romeo is our biggest interest.

We'll say it, offensive coordinators get lucky.  The good ones put together a plan that if the perfect storm works out, makes them look like a genius.  Mostly though, they get completely derailed by injury, poor individual performances, just plain stupid players, and any number of indeterminable factors like weather or Justin Medlock.  Now defensive coordinators, those are men, those are the unsung hero of every coaching staff.  In our opinion after any team wins a super bowl the DC should be the one who gets to take the lombardi home and sit with it in the hot tub on the first night.  A good DC has the task of developing a unit that is at the same time bone-crushingly consistent, yet unpredictable, which in the modern tape era is a feat unimaginable to us.

What does this mean for Crennel, well, he didn't deserve the blame in the Mistake by the Lake, but is he a genius?  Who knows, what we do know is that he's NOT outfitted with the right tools.  On defense our team is a whole lot of 'might be's' with no 'are's.'  Vrabel is as close as we come, and while going out an buying old d-men is generally a bad investment, we need at least two more.

Other than that, we think Todd Haley seriously needs to invest in a Fedora.  Put it this way, dudes named Todd still have a long way to go in terms of making that name respectable.  Our Todd, with the whole golf thing and reputation for being a bit of a phallic expletive could use a little image work.  The solution, a signature accessory.  We mean, really were putting together the combination of fat guy, fat guy, phallic expletive.  Nevermind the Pats, we're imitating every great football movie coaching staff...

WHOOO-HAW!

Really?  Are we that much better than Peter Parker with an oversized forehead in Denver and his stupid copycat hoodie?  No, but goshdarngumnit, we can at the very least do our copycatting with some class...  Just think about it Todd, it'd look good, go with the golf thing, and cement your reputation as such a mammoth expletive phallus you'd have no choice but win on your terms or go down in a Quin Snyderesque ball of flames....

via crimsoncrazed.files.wordpress.com

Maybe get it an red in white, incorporate a lil' of the ole Hank Stram TRASHYCLASS!

OTHER EFFING NONSENSE

Remember Quin Snyder's hair?

via cache.deadspin.com

By day he coaches the "Toros" in the NBA development league...

A very special holiday message:

Seriously, did you see this episode of 30 Rock, the end clip of Tina Fey halucinating about Jason Sudeikis as Floyd, Jon Hamm as Dr. Drew Baird, and Dean Winter as Dennis "Beeper King" Duffy all acting like Jamaican nurses is perhaps the funniest thing we've seen in year (intentionally singular East Bound & Down came out on DVD).

BACK TO FOOTBALL

Okay, we like the Super Bowl as much as anyone, and good for the Saints, and bad for ole fetushead, whatever and ever.  But this is our deal, our ex is from Louisiana which you know good for her, her team won the super bowl and mine squeaked out four wins.  In the game of life my new significant other is 3 years younger and about 4 inches taller, her new significant other is about 3 inches shorter than us and like 10 years older.  We win, we get that, but still, would we rather have the Chiefs win the superbowl and instead maybe date a new girl with a "great personality?"  (Incidentally, dear reader she does too, but between you and us we know that's a disclaimer just because on a long enough timeline she might found out we wrote this drivel)  See, these are the types of questions we don't want to have to ever answer.  To be honest it's a tough call.  Does this make us shallow, and shallower yet for our love of football, and possibly horribly emotionally numb?  Again, best not to question these things or delve too deep, but we'll tell you one thing...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

{deep breath}

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!

via cdn.ksk.uproxx.com

Well I'm just a cowpoke boy who loves tossin the pigskins and wiping with $10,000 dolla bills y'all

Suck it pey pey, sorry but never has anyone made fun and awesome seem so lame, but hey there's always the double stuff oreo licking championship!  Right buddy?  Just like a Lombardi.... yeah, no.  Aww, let it out...

More Nonsense

Alright we haven't cooked anything good in a while we'll admit it.  Last decent thing we made was homemade pasta like 2 months ago, and let's be honest, dear readers, while the PARADE loves and adores you, the majority of you mouth breathers have nowhere near the patience for that.  So let's continue the valentine's day theme with some CSNY dear reader and love the one your with...

via www.theimpulsivebuy.com

Ooooh R.B.D.D.S.'s you tawdry minx come here...

We're in an abusive relationship with frozen pizza, we're gonna bite her and she's gonna burn the roof of our mouth, that's just how it is, ain't no court order that can stop that.

{too dark?}

A Snowy Avalanche Alcohol Advice Section:

Living under 4 feet of snow and having the world cancelled for a week can get crazy, you want a strong, inexpensive, reliable lubricant for that...

So when we don't go for K-Y Intense we reach for...

via www.lairdandcompany.com

No baby, that sting goes away...

{too dark again?}

Applejack... it's basically bourbon, it was General George Washington's drink of choice, it's got a bit of sweetness that's offset with a scotch like burn.  We like it, and get this, it's like $20 a bottle, what steal.  Try an applejack and ginger and pretend February isn't the worst month of the year.  It's good preparation if you're inclined to fall face first into a 4 foot snow bank.

Football Blogger Nonsense

Alright, so most of you have the common sense to live in a real world with satisfying relationships.  For the rest of us, there was a recent dust up between the greatest comedic football website in the history of the intertubes, Kissing Suzy Kolber and SB Nation blog of note, Stampede Blue who cover the Colts.  Specifically, KSK blogger, legend, and internet trick, Michael Tunison aka Christmas Ape (we shall pay the man the respect he deserves as one anonymous pot shot ridiculous pseudonym to another, and refer to him as "Ape" from here on out) has raised the ire of Stampede Blue's moderator Big Blue Shoe and really the entire Indy fanbase to which he correctly refers to as "Fat Humps."

Now, understandably Joel may have some conflicts of interest as an SB Nation blogger here; however, as a oft disciplined contributor we're going to try to offer a little balance op/ed, we're going rogue, not quite Bill Simmons style, but as an objective outside observer...

...generating crazy amounts of internet traffic and God knows they're all whores for traffic.

The gist of the argument, at least once it stopped being funny, er, intentionally funny, can be found here with Ape's self-retweeted emphasized response here.

Bored yet?  No?  Well fellow geek follow us...

First, in general the interweb has jumped the shark, but that's a good thing, years ago (like 5 maybe) stupid sports discussion used to be ruled by radio call-in shows.  That was the single lowest point in human intelligence.  All you needed was to be an idiot, have a working voice, be able to use a phone, and enough free time that most of the employed earth would look down on you in public.

Now, these people need to be able to operate computers, have email addresses, and spell semi-coherently.

We, our friends, are at one of those moments in the evolution chart where the monkey stands slightly more upright.

...

The backlash to this is what's basically a "low-hanging fruit" epidemic.  Having crazy smart individuals making rapid pace sports/boner jokes is great, until they start to get lazy.  What this KSK v. Stampede Blue argument boils down to is "I made an overly abrasive joke about your fan base" well ya, "yer a lil' b*tch" (we avoid the actual obscenity cause Joel makes it sound like that's vaguely professional, sigh, expletive gerund-expletive expletive).

Well for the record, they're both right.

In re "Fat Humps"

For the record this is a KANSAS CITY site remarking on a PITTSBURGH fan (who happens to be not the slimmest switch in the closet {intentional flamboyance} remarking on the INDIANAPOLIS fan base...

WE ARE ALL FAT HUMPS, FAT HUMPS IS US!

Have you been to a Sonics recently?  If that hasn't been possible would you like to go to a Sonics?  Yeah, you're a fat hump.

In re Christmas Ape being a lil' b*tch

Oh totally, have you read this guy?  We're big fans, huge fans, we own his book.  But good lord, regular readers of KSK will get the reference that Ufford's usually the catty emo one, but jebuz, watch the Steelers go on a losing streak and watch out for the Ape's claws.  Also, he's a grown single man that owns a cat.  Check and mate.  As proof we actually got heckled via tweet after logging in after a significant absence to heckle our interweb hero upon the Steeler's still awesome loss to the Chiefs.

We'd provide the back and forth but Ape updates a lot, so here are our game day posts:

1. Hines Ward doing the tomahawk chop? 19th-Century-Racist-Stereotype-on-19th-Century-Racist-Stereotype crime? Someone make an irish joke! 8:33 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web
2. We need to play more 'fat people cities.' Buffalo, Cleveland, Cincinnati time to unbuckle those belts. 8:30 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web
3. @xmasape Really, twitter activity? Ya went there? Low blow sir, low blow I say! 8:20 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web in reply to xmasape
4. Putting the "stud" back in studebaker? Yeah, that wasn't a good one, sorry. 6:22 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web 
5. 2 wins, the only words are, uhm, ala akbar? 6:20 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web
6. @xmasape Shtupid Matt Crasserrr! 6:20 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web in reply to xma
7. Shoulda started Jamaal Charles over Marion Barber... We're a fool. 4:37 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web
8. @xmasape No one, NO ONE, talks about Charlie Batch like that! 4:26 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web in reply to xmasape
9. @xmasape Good thing Kansas City's horrible right? 4:19 PM Nov 22nd, 2009 from web in reply to xmasape

Needless to say we we're petty, he made fun of us for only logging in once after 2 weeks, because fanship is measured in twitter posts dammit, and we told him we own his book, and then he stopped and we made a joke about him being drunk.

Situation diffused my babies.

Bored now?

Seriously, you should be.

Anyway, long and short of it is....

via cdn.ksk.uproxx.com

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!

Sorry, couldn't resist.  But hey Colts fans, here's a freebie, you know all that stuff they've been posting on KSK reveling in the downfall of the Patriot's Empire?  That's true but only half as true as the hilarious swift and awful downfall of the Steeler's last title team.  Seriously, Old Man Ward?  Ben Whasmynamesteveyoungrasburger?  Troy Merrisautimetoretirsoomu?  Santonio "well IT still works for you" Holmes?  No no no, Dr. House is not gonna be pleased with Dr. Foreman next year, not, at, all...

Now for the People Who are Clearly on Drugs because They Made it This Far:

Epic Icelandic Rock not enough for you?