Conan: "... It's time, once again, to look into the future."
AP: "The future, Conan?"
Conan: "That's right, AP. Let's look to the future, all the way to the year 2010!"
By week six Derrick Johnson leads the team in sacks, passes defended, interceptions, and tackles. He is promptly benched by coach Haley
The NFL clarifies the holding penalty by adding the following phrase: "...unless against pass rushers of Liberian national origin wearing numbers 90-92."
Dissatisfied with his on field performance, Matt Cassel looks to Hollywood for work. He lands a starring role in the film "Indecision"
Shaun Smith is asked what his favorite portion of weekly practice is. He replies "ball handling drills"
Todd Haley is asked if he is disappointed that Quinten Lawrence did not develop into a good return man. Coach Haley replies "I'm quite pleased with his return abilities actually. He's returned to this team on dozens of occasions"
Brandon Carr has a swivel installed in his neck. His coverage thereafter is so impressive his side of the field is known as "The Carr Lot"
Todd Haley and Rex Ryan launch a competition to see who can be first to sign every active NFL receiver
Coach Crennel asks Shaun Smith: "Do you want in on this defensive package?" Smith indicates he only goes for offensive packages
Coaches Crennel and Weis develop an overtly antagonistic and hateful relationship. It will later be revealed that coach Crennel resents Weis for hiring Golden Tate to smuggle donuts to his office and failing to share the loot with his defensive counterpart.
Continually poor performance by a certain Oakland receiver leads fans to nickname the Colosseum toilets "Heyward Bay"
The following exchange is overheard between Todd Haley and Shaun Smith Before the Texans game:
Smith: Hey coach, do you think I can play corner this week?
Smith: yea coach
Haley: I don't know if that's the best place to use your skills...
Smith: sure it is coach.
Haley: you know they have one of the best receivers in the game don't you?
Haley: I don't get it....
Smith: if anyone can hold a Johnson all game, its me
Dexter McCluster becomes the leading cause of broken ankles
Dwayne Bowe signs an endorsement deal with Butterfingers
Todd Haley settles an intensifying position battle by naming Warpaint the starting mascot over incumbent KC Wolf. Coach Haley insists its only a technicality and will "depend on what formation we're in"
Coach Josh McDaniels has his players put on a performance of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" for Denver area school children. Those in attendance note 'the land of misfit toys' has oddly been renamed 'the land of misfit quarterbacks'
Feeling outdone, Todd Haley schedules his team to perform a play for school children. When Coach Haley polls the team for their preference, Shaun Smith loudly advocates for "The nut Cracker"
Al Davis drafts Road Runner
Your children come home and ask you if you'll take them to the shoe store so they can get some Air Moeakis
The New York Jets and the Survivor reality TV series launch a cross promotional program called Survivor :Revis Island.
Dexter McCluster develops a cult internet following. He becomes a hero to nerds everywhere.
Jay Cutler boasts endlessly that he completed more passes than any QB in league history. He omits that the majority of his 'completions' were to opposing teams.
The NFL becomes the National Flag Football League when Roger Goodell bans tackling.
Shaun Smith is asked who his favorite teammate is. His answer: " Mike Cox. Hes' big, he's thick, and he really penetrates. Gotta love a guy like that"