This concept started when i was $h!t talking with a Steelers fan about which team would be better going forward. So, we came up with a bet that whichever team had the most wins at the end of the decade won. Well, it seemed to be a good idea, so our other friends jumped in with their favorite teams. Now, we have me (Chiefs), JBo (Steelers), Dan (Packers), JD (Colts), and Chico (Cowboys). We each put $25 into an account every year and then at the end of the decade the winner takes the pot, something like $1300 after interest. Well, I started writing a weekly update on each of the teams in the bet, dogging on everyone else's team and talking up my own. I posted this last week and had some positive and negative feedback, so I figure I will try again. And for the love of God, remember its all done in good fun, and please let me know what you think or if you have recommendations for improvement!
Sorry about the delay in getting this out but here we go.
After another loss, this one to the Giants 41-35, the Cowboys fall to 1-5. There is good news and bad news that came from this game. Bad news: Cowboys royally suck; Tony Romo broke his clavicle (guess this means he can’t give out lefty HJ’s for awhile); Cowboys lost their second string left guard and are now starting an undrafted rookie free agent; they were 0-10 on third down conversions; the overrated defense gave up 497 yards; and their starter is now Jon Kitna. Good news: Dez Bryant had a major coming out party, he is ridiculous; and I was dead on with my statement about Jon Kitna (Some of you may not remember, but I wrote this about Mr. Kitna after watching him in the preseason: “This does not bode well for Chico, as watching Jon Kitna is the football equivalent of pulling your pubic hairs out one by one with tweezers.” After watching Kitna Monday night, I can honestly say this is one of the truest statements you will ever read.). The verdict is that Tony will not require surgery, but will take at least six weeks to recover. The loss firmly cements Chico in last place of the Decade Bet, but he won’t want to miss the interview with Tony Romo later on. Even without Romo, when the Cowboys face the Jaguars this week and should be able to notch their second win against a horrible team.
The Colts were idle this week, but standing at 4-2, JD is in second place of the Decade Bet. Big news for the Colts is the loss of Dallas Clark for the season, coupled with the injury to Austin Collie; this leaves Peyton dangerously thin at receiver. Indy will be facing Houston this week, both teams coming off a bye week, but Houston will notch their second victory over the Colts and move back into first in their division.
Green Bay was able to pull out a victory over Favre and the Vikings, 28-24, Sunday night. The big news from this game was Brett Favre losing to his former team, and most likely losing on Lambeau for the last time. Brett was almost able to make one of his patented comebacks, but ultimately came up short (penis innuendo). Percy Harvin, however, is Packer kryptonite; he had three carries for 41 yards and a touchdown, five catches for 65 yards, and three kick returns for 81 yards. Percy combined with Adrian Peterson gouged the Packer defense, which is thinner than Drew Brees’s hair (read Bill Simmons article on Tom Brady’s hair compared to Drew Brees, it was written awhile back, but is hilarious.). The Packers continue to lose players with Cullen Jenkins and Ryan Pickett both getting hurt during the game; Brady Poppinga and Mike Neal are also both done for the year. The offense was inconsistent yet again, with Aaron Rodgers struggling to be on the same page as his receivers; he finished 21-34 for 295 yards, two touchdowns, and two interceptions. In Aarons ineptitude, he was unable to get Donald Driver a catch, which ended his 133 game streak with at least one completion. In my opinion, that is just shitty coaching and quarterbacking. Instead of running 15 bubble screens to Jordy Nelson, why not just run one to Driver and let him keep his streak alive? Oh well, hopefully they can explain to Driver and others in the locker room how you can neglect to throw to one of the all-time Packer greats and let him keep a streak he has been working on for the better part of eight seasons. Either way, a win is a win, and it moves the Packers to 4-3 and Dan into a tie for third place in the Decade Bet. The Pack face the Jets coming off of a bye week in a game that will hand the Packers their fourth loss.
The Steelers stole a 23-22 win over the Dolphins last week, or maybe I should have said had the victory handed to them. The controversy over the game happened late in the fourth quarter when Big Ben attempted to run for a touchdown and fumbled the ball into the end zone, it was initially called a touchdown but was overturned. There was a scramble for the ball in which it appeared the Dolphins recovered the ball (http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Five-pieces-of-evidence-to-prove-Miami-recovered?urn=nfl-279758, that shows frame by frame the Dolphins were hosed), however, referee Gene Steratore (who coincidently is from Pittsburg…) said there was not enough evidence to determine who recovered the fumble. He awarded the Steelers possession of the ball, and they went on to kick what would be the game winning field goal. It must be nice to be the Colts or the Steelers, where the NFL obviously bends its will to help your teams any way it can. Bad news for the Steelers is the loss of Aaron Smith for the year with torn triceps (that sounds insanely painful), his absence will hurt the Steelers defense that has been so good lately. Someone who didn’t get hurt was James Harrison, who had spent all of last week pouting and contemplating (I am not sure Harrison knows what that word even means) retirement because he is a dirty player who is afraid he can’t adjust to the new rules of the game. Speaking of pouting, I posted last week’s Newsletter on a Steelers message board with the disclaimer that it was a joke and just meant for fun; well after seeing their reactions, you would have thought that it was me whom was accused of sexual assault and not Big Ben. They did not like that I joked that their beloved quarterback (yes, the one they were busy crucifying over the summer) might be a homosexual. One Steelers fan went as far as to say he had a gay son, and did not appreciate me making light of homosexuality (he appreciated it even less when I JOKED he should have disowned his son if that was the case). What I took from that misadventure, was that for a team, town, and fan base that considers itself to be “tough as steel”, they are very sensitive and possibly gay. The Steel Curtain (makes sense now that these pansies would compare their team to drapery, and yes I know the true origins of the “Steel Curtain” but like my version better) is now 5-1 and leaves JBo atop the Decade Bet, may God help us all. The Steelers take on the Saints this week, the Saints will be looking to avenge their embarrassing loss and will right the ship and take down the Steelers.
The Chiefs rolled to a 42-20 victory over the Jaguars. The Chiefs started a little slow but quickly picked up the pace both offensively and defensively. Dwayne Bowe scored two touchdowns again last week, the second of which was an amazing toe tapping grab that should be the catch of the week. The Chiefs kept their number one rushing attack going too, running for 236 yards and three touchdowns. The defense also had a pick six from Derrick Johnson, his third in his last seven games, going back to last year. Eric Berry also recorded his first interception in his rookie season. The Chiefs were again screwed over on pass interference calls, both heavily contributing to two Jaguars scores. The only knock I have is on Eric Berry’s interception, Glen Dorsey violated the number one rule of interceptions; he did not shit-rock the quarterback. On any interception, the defense should be looking to nail the quarterback; this is why Peyton does a direct sprint over to his sideline after every pick. By not unloading on the Jaguars’ quarterback, Dorsey allowed him to hold up Berry long enough that he was eventually tackled instead of returning it for a touchdown. The Chiefs improve to 4-2 and remain atop their division, and keep me in third place of the Decade Bet.
I sat down with Tony Romo after the Cowboys game on Monday to discuss the Cowboys woes.
Me: Hey Tony, tough break on the collar bone man. Get it? “Break” like since you broke your clavicle?
Tony: Stares blankly.
Me: It was a pun, never mind. So, Michael Boley said that when he hit you, you let out a “little scream”. Is this true?
Tony: Well, like I don’t remember doing that, but like I can imagine that like it is something that I might do.
Me: Yah, it seems to be pretty consistent with what Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood said of your bedroom behavior.
Tony: Like, in my defense, John Mayer is right about Jessica Simpson, like she is like “sexual napalm”. I mean that like, it burned really bad for like weeks after I was with her. So, yes, like I would sometimes scream when the pain became too much.
Me: I am not sure that is what John was referring to, but none the less that very well could be the case. So, why do you think the Cowboys are struggling so badly this year?
Tony: Like, I am not completely like sure on that. I mean like we are super talented and stuff like that.
Me: Yah, do you think it may have something to do with the fact your team has less discipline than Tiger Woods at a whore house; and the focus of an ADD kid on crack?
Tony: I like like Tiger Woods, he is a good golfer. Did you know, like I am like a scratch golfer?
Me: My point exactly.
Me: Maybe you should give up pretending you’re a quarterback and take up golf.
Me: Is Jerry Jones really the devil?
Me: Okay, well good luck the rest of the season. You are going to need it.
In California, a woman drove around for 10 months with a dead homeless lady in her back seat. The lady put a box of baking soda in her car to absorb the smell. This makes Chico keeping his dirty football uniform in his car in high school seem not nearly as bad.
The Cleveland Browns have broken an unwritten NFL rule. They have a black punter, this is a position that has been reserved for white people and needs to be looked into by the Competition Committee as an unfair advantage. The Browns ran a fake punt and the punter was able to run for 68 yards, this eclipsed the longest run by a white punter which was -5 yards.
Brett Favre admitted that he sent the voicemails to Jen Sterger, but denied ever sending the dick pics. You all should check out the parody of Favre’s Wranglers commercials done by SNL and FunnyOrDie. They are pretty damn funny, Danglers lol.
In Kauai, Hawaii they are having to move high school football games to Saturday afternoons instead of Friday nights because of an indigenous bird population. The Newell’s sheerwater bird was mistaking the lights from the fields the games were being played on as the stars; thus confusing them and causing them to crash into the ground where they were hit by cars, eaten by cats, or trampled on by pigs and goats (I am not making this shit up, all of these animals must just roam the streets of Hawaii like gangs just looking to wreck shit.). These dumb ass birds prove that Darwin was wrong.
A book labeled “Snuggie Sutra” was recently released. This book apparently details different ways to get it on while wearing a Snuggie. It reportedly includes positions for you and your significant other if you are in separate Snuggies, or if you are sharing a Couple’s Snuggie. I am not sure how the hell this is supposed to work, or who would even come up with this as an idea; but I do know what I am getting JD for his wedding gift. JD is now the most excited person in the room.