Fun With Big Sexy Vol. 2: "I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one"

Remember to rec' the sh*t out of this because it's not gonna get main-paged because Joel's scared of sitting next to Jason Whitlock someday worried about awkward interweb water cooler convos (when he sells out to fox sports too) and we want it to at least hang around in the top fanposts...

HERE WE WOULD USUALLY HAVE A HUMOROUS PICTURE OF JASON CAVORTING WITH SOME FLOOSIES  (BUT OPPRESSIVE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY REGIMES HAVE MADE THAT IMPRACTICAL --- GO OPEN SOURCE ---):

Jason left KC cause he was tired of paying "importation" taxes...zing!

Some of you may have read the original "Fun with Big Sexy" article.  We won't tell you untruths, it was genius.  That said, we thought with Big Sexy's departure from the 816 those heady days of making fun of his process were over, not so, NOT SO!  He's back, ..., back again, and somehow managed to amalgamate his short-sighted, pot-stirring controversiality with a new, out-of-touch, half-assed, mainstream, bird's eye type of attention baiting.  So without further digression here's what's going on:

For those familiar with "Fire Joe Morgan" and KSK's weekly Peter King MMQB blow-up, it's a familiar concept: take a writer/figure compelling enough to keep us reading, yet irritating enough to throw us into a rage, and then stream of consciously rip it apart.

Author's editorial note: If Jason you ever do read this, and we HIGHLY doubt that, we want to reiterate that we're genuinely thankful you're in Kansas City and have enjoyed your columns for years.  We mean it when we say, we only hurt the ones we love...

I need to acknowledge that my hometown Kansas City Chiefs are better than I anticipated. However, they still have major problems that can’t be covered by general manager Scott Pioli manipulating the local and national media.

Wow, "hometown" huh?  Guess we should be "honored."  That must be why we had to put up with all those bullshit Ball State references right?  You know what we know as "hometown" Kansas Citians?  No one gives a fuck about us and we're not going to force that on anyone.  That said, know who gives a fuck about mid-minor middle of bofucknowhere Indiana Universities?  NO FUCKING ONE, not even people in bofuck Indiana.  Also, thanks for NEVER writing a Royals article and consistently covering the NBA in the Star despite the minor quibble that oh you know, WE DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN BASKETBALL TEAM FATTY!  Guhhhhhhhhhhhhh, and yes it's all a giant national media conspiracy, Scott Pioli and Dick Cheney must be playing backgammon and planning your extraordinary extradition to a black ops spot as we speak.

Quarterback Matt Cassel is horrible. Rookie safety Eric Berry is off to a terrible start. Second-year defensive lineman Tyson Jackson’s absence has been a blessing to the defense.

Horrible, like Jeff George horrible or Charlie Batch horrible?  Terrible start for a rookie who has been the lynch pin of a remarkable overall defensive turn around, playing with another rookie safety, and consistently blowing up fullbacks to make running stops, and where this criticism is based largely on play against two of the premier TE's in the league not to mention V.D. didn't do shit, THAT KIND OF TERRIBLE?  A blessing in that we beat the Chargers in the defensive trenches, or in that Shaun Smith has been that impressive?  We're sure you won't throw Smith under the bus for ball grabbing later in this article.

If you’re scoring at home: Pioli’s handpicked QB and his two first-round picks are looking like busts.

This is just the stupidest fucking sentence we've read in months.  They're 3-0 and everyone of them has done what they were sold to us as.  What fucking scoring rubric is this?  Does drafting Tom Brady in the sixth count as a half wicket, maybe a two-tenths try, a frenchman's eagle perhaps?  So if Dexter McCluster, Kendrick Lewis, Tony Moeaki, and his handpicked coach do great, how do we score that?  You're the fucking Iowa Basics of stupid evaluations Whitlock.

The young nucleus of players left behind by Herm Edwards -- Brandon Flowers, Tamba Hali, Jamaal Charles, Brandon Albert, Brandon Carr -- are finally paying big dividends. The addition of experienced coordinators Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis has helped head coach Todd Haley mature.

Herm Edwards.  REALLY!?!?  THIS Herm Edwards, The Herminator?  How he's not still coaching we'll never know.  Remember the other key parts of that nucleus?  Larry Johnson, THANKS!  And who gets credit for those picks?  CARL PETERSON YOU SHAMELESS DICKWAD (some would say that's harsh but as a 5-15% factor in the vitriol over firing "King Carl," really, Jason if you can look yourself in the mirror after writing that and not thinking "I am kinda a dickwad" then you're DEFINITELY a dickwad).

To Pioli’s credit, rookies Dexter McCluster and Tony Moeaki and free-agent pickups Ryan Lilja and Shaun “The Genital Giant” Smith have been terrific.

What was that about Shaun Smith we wrote earlier?  Oh yeah.  How about Mike "Five-O" Vrabel?  Oh maybe because Jason "He's white, like the cops, get it?" Whitlock may have a slight (albeit irrational) axe to grind against him.  What about Thomas Jones?  What's that?  You're part of the national media now an analyzing something that complex would take too much of your time?  Yeah, that's what we thought.  How about Derrick Johnson's year so far?  What, see the last sentence.  Dude, you're a fucking sell-out, how about you just start recycling old "King Carl" articles?

The Chiefs might have the easiest schedule in the history of the league. They’re the Boise State of professional football. The Chiefs can’t win important games with Cassel at quarterback.

Ahh, oh Jason, we've missed your truly truly horrible metaphors.  You wrote an article about ease of schedule for Boise and hype.  We dare you to find one other goddamn corollary.  Do they play on a blue field, do they play in the Mountain West, do they have any similar playing styles, WAIT WAIT STOP, this is making our head hurt, just NO Jason, fucking no, they're not.  You're the Queens Park Rangers of journalism, you're the professional lacrosse Maryland Bayhawks of being fat, YOU ARE THE KANSAS CITY BLADES.  Guhhhh, anyway we're pretty sure Drew Brees had his hand's full when he played the 49ers.  Your view on the situation makes you, and this is going to hurts us as much as it hurts you to say, this makes you the black Peter King.

We'd say we still respect Whitlock, but he wasn't cut out for national media journalism.  He was grabbing at straws when he was the big fish in a little pond, now, now he's like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy, off on his own, on the shittiest of the national media outlets, mostly unread, unwanted, just waiting and praying for the next racial controversy.  Good luck Icarus, we hope those are weight-bearing wings.