I hate mock drafts. We’ve already seen countless mocks and we don’t yet even know who will be leaving school early. Every year we are bombarded with clichés like "upside, playmaker, raw athletic ability, difference maker." Each year we all get hung up on one player far too early and are disappointed when they don’t end up in red and gold. Last year everyone was rubbing one out to Curry. This year we already have people beating it feverishly to Suh and Berry. So join with me in mocking the draft. Today we’re picking five rounds of KC Restaurants. List your picks and scouting reports in the comments.
Waldo Pizza – With over 22 years experience making pies, Waldo has the ability to be an instant contributor to your dietary lineup. While some may argue that there is more pizza value in later rounds of the draft, Waldo Pizza is the kind of special talent difference maker that justifies the premium salary associated with a top draft choice. Waldo’s highly versatile topping options allow the pizza to play numerous positions satisfying a wide variety of appetites.
Pros – Experience, chicken pesto pie, choice cut with alfredo, sausage red pepper with spicy red sauce
Cons – High cost when compared to pizza alternatives, too many damn kids running around like madmen in dining area
Westport Thai Place – The premium location of this four location Kansas City institution is a high to mid second round prospect. The curries have knock out strength but may miss routine tackles. Dishes are affordable and the dining area is attractive.
Pros – Pang dang, Volcano seafood soup, accessible Westport parking
Cons – Goes for the big hit too often, Thai hot may leave diner with a blistered tongue
Westport Flea Market – A bit of a reach in the third round. This talent likely would have been available in the later rounds. Playing in a high profile market and name recognition may have overvalued this KC landmark. Burgers are constantly good and the fried pickles are the best in the region. However, the cash only policy and rude wait staff may scare away some GMs concerned about off the field issues.
Pros – McGonigals meat, karaoke, good beer selection, fried pickles.
Cons – Cash only, too many hipster doofuses, rude wait staff
Blue Bird Bistro – Time to raise the crunch. Not quite to Eden’s Alley crunchiness but crunchy none-the-less. You just woke up with next to some dame, you want to impress her with your vast knowledge of KC breakfast and brunch hot spots, where are you going to take her? First Watch? Yeah, you and every other wannabe Don Juan. Sharps? You can do better. Mama’s? Maybe, if you woke up next to some greasy spoon swamp donkey. No, you want to take that special lady down to 17th and Summit for some chronic locally grown grub. Solid laid back interior, private rooms upstairs, organic food without all the vegan bullshit make the Blue Bird a great fourth round value.
Pros – Local bacon, foxy artsy-fartsy wait staff, killer interior
Cons – Inconvenient location, organic crowd
Jim’s Diner – Steal of the draft. Jim’s diner is to burgers what Jarred Allen is to d-ends. Under priced, hidden gem of a talent that will fucking wreck shop on all who stand in its path. The highly questionable location and regulars may have scared other scouts and allowed Jim’s to fall in the draft. Burgers are the best in town (sorry Max’s, you know I love you but broke my heart when you closed the 63rd street location) and the selection of fried foods is second to none. Want a burger and that "new" Doug E. Fresh bootleg? Jim’s is your pick.
Pros – CHRONIC burgers, fried everything, could probably score some ice with your burger, fat dude slanging bootlegs
Cons – In the ghetto, not the friendliest folks to whities